Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, you don't have to be a chatter box, but you also shouldn't be super silent. You should be in between, that's the optimum level I'm at now. I can talk, but I can't talk with the intensity of an extrovert.

I'm curious though. What gets you talking more? Like, say that if I were to talk about a certain something to you and you open up more than you ever have before, what would that something be? What do you like talking about often?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

The very moment I started seeing signs that everybody wanted to pick on me, I should've taken a closer look. I could've meant my whole life.

Problem is I failed to find my own tribe. I was surrounded by tribes who didn't care the slightest. Did whatever they wanted to me and took off for good. 

I've had very few meaningful close friends in my life. The point is the not talking business just killed it for having a social life or any relationships. 

I'm not in school or even at work, because of the pandemic, and everybody is huddled up inside. But next time I have the opportunity, and in two weeks I'll be fully vaccinated, I will be getting out flexibly and talking to others.

I'm going to close the doors on what happened to me, and start over, and do the right thing for once. Another thing is that I could be talking...but the way I talk is not enough. The other person will still think I'm tired.

If I want a partner, I should seek a person who doesn't mind that I'm not a chatter box. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

But I think you're right. Things do come easily to people who can talk. I do remember everybody complaining that I don't talk. You take these signs lightly in the beginning and then you learn when life continues to get punishing. 

Only when I attended school, jobs and extra curricular activities, even family get togethers, did I hear people begin to criticize. When I'm not actively involved and always at home, working and learning remotely, I stop hearing anything, but nobody is around.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I used to be entitled when I was in my 20's. I believed that I was going to be engaged into a middle class family and move into a house. Do exciting things together with this person. I was dreaming. I forgot how people always look at me And most times nobody noticed I was there. They were just stories that I made up in my head. I honestly didn't even pay attention to others, while I was living in my head. So it's no wonder I'm stunned. 

I remember the 2010's. I either freelanced, watched video channels, read books or spanned around on my bike to parts of the GTA. I rarely ever hung out. I looked at my former peers on Facebook and they're married, some with kids and have a life. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Damn, now that can be frustrating. Things do come easily to people who can talk. When we're quiet, people often think that they're not good enough to get you to talk and give up easy. I mean, if I probably were to meet you and talk to you, based on what you said so far, I'd probably feel that way a bit too. Whenever someone doesn't talk when I do, I tend to think that I'm boring them or I'm not interesting enough. But I'll figure out how to get their attention and try my best to talk. Same goes for a lot of other people, they tend to think that if we're quiet, they couldn't get us to talk and that we're probably, as funny as it is to say it, a bit "high maintenance". But all it takes for me is just genuine interest, and I can open up easy. I was talking to a girl I knew a couple of months back, and from that conversation we had, I got interested in cats, which I wasn't before the encounter. So yeah, if someone talks to me like that and listens to me when I talk like that, that's all it takes for me to like that person.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Briefly speaking, I think everyone found me the quietest person they've ever met. I learned a very tough lesson and should've saw this coming, if I wasn't so complacent. Who spends years dreaming about what they want, when they should just go for it? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I spent a good 29 years living in a town I grew up in. Regards, I want to move on and see new things. I wanted to go on adventures and see other cultures since I was 18.

I can't believe the attitude everybody has on me to think I can't do it. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel so insulted by this. Remember when I mentioned, I go down to the lakefront to get fresh air and exercise, but also hope to meet somebody new by incident. Well, it never worked out. Today, my sister hooked up with a guy that lives in our location, either through work or online, and she's going on a date with me down to that area. it just makes me want to scream. Why does it have to be this way for me? 

I mean things come so easily to people. Like my sister is a very talkative person who obviously sounds smart. So she has no problems dating men. But when it comes to me, my quiet behaviour is a killer on attracting others. First impression I give people is that I kind of "mutter" and they're like "Hugh?" It's so frustrating. Why can't there be somebody out there that can give me a chance? Once you get to know me, I'm not all that bad. It's just the first impression I give people that gives it away. I've never met a guy doesn't give up just like that and persuades me to say more. 

My sister never had a problem with people asking her, "Are you stupid?" She actually has normal verbal skills and she sounds her age. I'm just wondering if I have a big problem, or I am one to not like talking. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I can't do zoom meetups and calls because I'm still living with my parents and they'd snoop around. But I would like it. I'm curious as to why you don't. It can be good at times, I feel.

People still think I'm dumb. but they do realize that I do have my talents. I'm good at continuing conversations, not so good at starting them. But every now and then, I feel they get bored of me and move on to more entertaining people and that hurts. This is not the case with my college best friends, but some friends online have started replying late even though they're online. I'm kinda used to it now, but it still hurts.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I must confess, I wasn't listening to people's advise. They specifically told me to leave my cocoon and get actively involved, so I can meet new people. Instead what I do, is hang around the house and stare at my computer screen for hours, in my girl cave. Just when I wanted to make a difference the pandemic came along. I just can't win. Or maybe if I did attempt to socialize with others, who knows how it might've worked out. 

I remember working as a server and hostess at Lick's Homeburger and Ice Cream restaurant, and it was awful. I had a few nasty bosses and faced a couple asshole co-workers. Plus the customers were rude at times. I was so very quiet. There was this one manager who gave me a hard time about it. He wouldn't let me do hamburger dressings and run the cashier. Instead he made me do the dirtiest jobs in the restaurant to keep me out of sight. 

I went to parties, weddings, tournaments, dance classes—you name it, dealing with people making the same stupid remark I've heard a good thousand times. And spreading the gossip around if they can. It was heartening and annoying at the same time. 

This made think twice before walking into another crowd to express myself openly, as much as possible, and don't just stand there all quietly.