Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, I didn't think before choosing the degree I've chosen. All I cared about after my final year of high school was enjoying my newfound freedom after the exams, which are seriously overhyped. When the question popped, I had no clue what to choose, so I chose Communications Engineering because of some lesson in physics which seemed easy. I totally regret that decision now, in hindsight.

I was able to speak more in college than I ever did in school, so I was able to make a few friends, find my tribe, so to say. Still, I'd love to meet more people from different places and get to know them. I feel that all my life, I've been surrounded by my fellow country folks, that it would be amazing to meet people from other countries as well.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I didn't get whatever I wanted, because I didn't speak up for myself. Nobody can read minds. So I failed myself. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's sad that is my backstory, I mean if I opened my mouth and looked like I wanted to be with them, my life could've looked so much different and better. It's just how everything turned out. Now that I learned what didn't work out, and I know how to prevent it in future. It's just the life lessons that get you in the right place. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I don't know why I chose a career that's too hard for me. I didn't even think twice before I entered the program. It's very hard to get a job. I'm practically looking at certificate programs. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I haven't dated at all in my life. And I definitely didn't know that she was already committed to someone else, although she did give some hints that she was into me. Maybe I took those the wrong way and hoped too much. I've never been that experienced in that department enough to tell for sure that someone is interested.

I don't MD much anymore. I spend my time gaming and talking to people, via text or in FB groups and to you in here. So that has replaced MD for me to a certain extent.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I haven't dated in a while, at least not since my 20's. I've lived a pretty solitary life, which I now regret. Whenever I have seen someone, it's not like they were cheating on me or already involved. I guess India is like that? I don't MD even close to how I used to. Those days are gone. So over. I think it greatly impacted my life, just entirely. What was I thinking? Where did I think it would get me? Nowhere. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, that fear will always be there for me as well. I always have a fear that people won't like me and I keep thinking about it.

I've closed the doors to a major part of my past. But recent events, specifically the one time I was close to getting a date with someone only to find they're already committed, I couldn't shut that off at all. So I'm actively distracting myself to stop MDing about it.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I don't get nervous talking to other people and approaching them, but I'm deeply afraid of how I look and sound to them, and how they will react to it. They tend to suddenly dislike me or they get skeptical. 

I can be quite sentimental. I feel strong feelings for what happened before. My past is poignant, all due to me being quiet and incapable of not interacting properly. Many people abruptly jump to conclusions I didn't have any friends, and it kind of burned. This is nearly 30 years living in a town, for Pete sakes. 

[Kiruba Victor]

As for me, I can talk about music and movies quite a bit. As for sports, since I recently started watching F1, I can talk about that quite a bit. But if it's video games, I can become a chatter box XD.

I do like philosophical conversations at times, stuff that challenges my view on things. Not strong at politics and economy and all that. I also like to talk about mythology (stories about gods, not religion exactly)

Even I'm easy to talk to, but I do get nervous at times talking to other people.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Well, it does depends on the subject matter. I'm not all too bright at politics. I'm an artist, so I do like to talk about the arts. I do like to discuss worlds events or things in general, perhaps something that just happened to me. My conversations tend to be selfie, but I do enjoy talking about other people. Like right now, I'd be discussing the Olympics in Tokyo and my favourite sports. 

I am not good at very profound left brained conversations. I'm not strong at politics, languages, religions and economics. I am good at memorizing dates and years of movies, songs, people's births, some historical occurrences.

I am quite an easy talking gal. Rest of my family can talk like scholars. Thing is, I'm still super quiet at times, and I need to quit it.