Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, my problem is that I can't quite ask a person out due to fear that things will be awkward and that the girl might get creeped out. And this stems from two major incidents in my life.

1. This happened around 2012, when I was in school, in Muscat, me and this other guy who I thought was a friend, were just talking about who was the most attractive girl in our class (not objectifying, just talking about it, so please don't take it wrongly). And when we talked about this one girl who was quite attractive, my friend snitches over to her and tells her that I objectified her, which was not what happened. And she just slapped me without even attempting to know what happened. This created a fear of creeping a girl out, and a sense of failure if it would ever happen again.

2. This was 2 years later, as I was in my last year of schooling over in Muscat, before I made the decision to move to India (this incident was one of the reasons I took said decision). Our class boys had this infuriating habit of linking fellow classmates who weren't popular alongside girls, which would creep them out. And everytime they brought it up, I just dismissed it and cleared it, but it was too much that she was scared to even ask me a pen to borrow. One fine day, I get a text message from this girl's number, and we started talking, and suddenly she "confessed" her love to me, and me being the naive idiot who so desperately wanted to enter a relationship, believed it and just said it back, only to be hit with the reality that it was her sister using the girl's phone saying that it was a prank, and these were her exact words "Nobody loves you, moron". And that really made me feel like a low person. Eventually, I put it to the back of my head, but it left me with a fear of asking anyone out.

I was still unable to read signs. I just saw this meme on Instagram saying "Not everyone says those three words, them being always there for you is their way of confessing it" and it's now giving me hopes, which are painful. I feel like Hawkeye in Avengers Endgame, where he says "Don't do that, don't give me hope". But my heart still longs for it even though my brain understands that love alone isn't enough in a relationship. And these fears have been with me till now.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

We both have something in common. We're both socially indifferent and never romantically involved. I have trouble visiting all sorts of meetups. I look at the list of attendees, and they don't appear to be my tribe. And there's no knowing if they'd like me or not. Plus I'm a very quiet individual, and they'll say so. I tried finding events in my local area, but many things are virtual, so it's very frustrating. I have a girlfriend in town who isn't available, because she's busy with retail autumn sales for Christmas. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

According to what I used to do, this MD stuff, it has to stop. It was a mistake to begin with. I've been wondering why I lived in a rut. Everything has been topsy turvy. I didn't mature when I should've. Don't perceive much in the world past the door. My mom disapproves of everything I do and thinks I need medication. I'm just crossing my fingers that hope will arrive. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It took me emotional hardships to get there, but I finally came to loving myself. Now I feel like a positive and optimistic person. I do care about myself and what I want the most. I got over the heartbreak of being rejected and failing at things. That's how you actually grow up. If you're in need, unhappy, jealous and clinging to XD, it gives off a certain energy that drives people away and doesn't make them attracted to you. So you're drawing in people you don't want to meet instead. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Really? How did you come to that? I'm still desperate for it. I kind of envy that now XD

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's interesting, but I'm not in need of romance, like I used to be. I've finally come to accept myself as a single. I'm not like, "poor me, I'm not attractive. I can't find a bf." I actually come to like myself as myself. It's nice. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think that I just grew up and realized MD is not going to solve my problems, it's just going to get me in more trouble and make others not like me, nor trust me, even more. It might make you happy at first, but in the end, it ruins everything. And I learned to keep a clear head when others need me to be with them, otherwise, they're just going to get very angry. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Something's up. We MD hoping things will get better and better. Things just get worse and we get more hapless. It makes no sense that I started MD in the first place. I mean, it's true things don't come easily to some people, but you just don't go and daydream about it.

When I was in my early twenties, MD rocked my world, but now I'm getting older and my age is competing with it and my ambitions never came true. Plus people witness what the hell I'm doing.

Some people say, don't stop believing. I guess that's true in some way or the other. You never know what you'll get. Still, what I did wasn't good. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Damn, that's rough. I'm afraid myself of what I will do on interviews, but I hope I do good.

As far as relationships go, my heart is still bouncing up and about, seeking romance in places where it will be impossible. That's the main content of my MD now.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I am SO embarrassed today. I had an interview this morning and I screwed it up. I answered all their questions fine, but when the interview ended, I went deep into thought and me eyes shut, while the employer was speaking to me. The employer saw me and paused, and asked "Are you OK?" This happened before, and quite a few people freaked out.