Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I got everything all wrong, and I wasn't listening to anyone. They gave me verbal reminders and warnings that fell on my youthful ignorance. Since I'm adult that has experience under my belt, I now see what they mean. Sometimes you learn these lessons too late. I didn't fit in as a teenager, nor a college student, but I figured that I was still going to have a nice life. Date a guy, travel places, go into nursing school, attend parties etc. In reality I ran back into my typical old self and lived in seclusion and isolation in my parent's house. It's like I didn't have a trace of perception of the outside world and everything just discouraged me. I always wanted to grow strong and try new challenging experiences, but my daydreaming ways were already exposed, and my mom knew all about it, talking me out of working places, even going to another university. Even my sister told me what non-family will think when they see me acting the way I sometimes do. I realize I could've had a better life if I wasn't a daydreamer at all. It's so ironic. Daydreams seem to give you hope, when really they are like drugs. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah, I used to have this scenario where I sat in the background of my ex-boyfriend's wedding. I never had an ex-boyfriend or a boyfriend at all. People who have no Ex are as good as gold. You don't regret anything. 

I have this vision that never stops reoccurring and must have meaning to it. I go to a jewelry store and I look at engagement rings and I actually put one on me, and I'm not getting married, and I'm by myself doing this. It's like desperation. I've also saw reoccurring visions of visiting a bridal gown store and putting on a dress, knowing that I'm single. Everybody else is like, "What? Are you getting married?" It hurts in a way that I want this to happen, but nobody gives a damn nor even knows how I feel. Or maybe I just never met someone who truly cares. I've had trouble connecting with men all my life. Many of them think I'm some freak who doesn't talk. I never realized how inhuman not talking nor interacting can make you look. It's like they immediately think I'm a loser. Who takes somebody who clearly nobody else would want? You're a creep.

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, I wouldn't know the first thing about asking someone out due to the fear of things being awkward after. So I haven't asked anyone out till date. I also have envy problems and I'm afraid that the people I'm surrounded by would just go for better people than me. Just recently, I had this scenario that someone I talked to ghosted and blocked me and went back to their ex, leaving me alone, and that hurts, in real life too.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel there's more to what meets the eye in a person. Just because a person doesn't talk much, doesn't mean he or she isn't smart. People jump the gun that a person who have trouble explaining themselves has no brain in their head. I never realized myself how soundless I was on the outside. Growing up with my own mindset and beliefs was a comfort when I was kid. I never reckoned that just about everyone (that means everybody) would just avoid me and dislike me at all costs, because I just didn't do anything for them. They wanted to find out who I was, and I failed to do that for them, in a verbal sense. Now all of them are gone, and I'm looking forward to a future of making new friends who relate to me even better. I've always found I mingled with the wrong tribes. They simply didn't like me very much—they found me a strange girl. I made them upset or angry. They even screamed and laughed. I mean, good riddance to them. Now that I closed the doors on an emotional past that went wrong, I'm opening doors to a more positive future ahead. Hopefully, I will find my niche and a career that is more suitable for me. Only way to grow up and become a true leader is to learn the negative side effects of all that happened. In a way, you'll feel better and you'll be smarter. You now have life experience. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel so mad at myself. My sister finds a boyfriend during covid and they're growing steady. I reflect on all these years I daydreamed about what I wanted, but never actually did anything about it in real life. Even when I tried, not very many people liked my verbal demeanour. Plus I sat in my girl-cave staring at the internet all day, but didn't get involved much with programs and extra-curricular activities. I should change my stupid habits. My dad told me about this 20 years ago!

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It is so embarrassing. I believed that I will have a future, only trouble is I had to work hard for that future—not dream about it. Same goes with romance. I mean, what was I thinking? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

At least you have a choice of continuing college at 22. I didn't keep going after 24 and I regret it. I just worked ever since. I'm not an academic like my sister. 

I can't stand living with my mom anymore. Every morning I eat slowly and my coffee gets cool, so I have to reheat it. Sometimes, I suffer from sleep inertia or I'm not awake yet. Mom complains when every time I heat my coffee, because she thinks I'm in a fugal state at the table. She's been bickering that I'm in daydream land for a full decade now. It's just going to keep going that way. I dunno. I need a job. 

I hope to move into my own place, where I can do whatever I want, and nobody will be around to witness and comment on it. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm thinking of pursuing computer aided design (CAD) drafting this winter for architecture and space planning at a vocational school in Toronto. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, thanks for understanding that. My mum is still angry about the whole thing, and now we need money to fix the scooter and she's like "I'm not gonna pay for it, ask your friends, since they're your world, right?" I told her that I can't help her if she's gonna do stuff like that and just came back.

I actually need to do something about a job. Or higher studies. I do have a knack for psychology but I don't know if I can pursue it after having done engineering.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I've had no luck finding a full-time job in the past 16-18 months. I have the feeling I still won't get a position by Christmas time. And I'll be heading back to the books in January. It's just so hard to get a job. I get these freelance tasks from others, that's all.