Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You expect life to be just right and go your way. You have all these expectations. And then life throws unpleasant surprises at you. And you feel like crap. I think it's about time I grew up and faced the music. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You know, the problem with me is that I'm not approachable. I'm pretty, but I'm not interactive. I'm quiet and boring. I just drive people away in a huff of frustration. Or else, they don't notice me and pass on to people who get their attention. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I was always this stranger that didn't fit into crowds and didn't make any friends. It breaks me this is the truth. I honestly don't know where I fit in. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

 

It's as though all I ever did was daydream...

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm just thinking, if I took up fine art, and not design, I probably would've been working in a factory or been a cleaner. My people skills suck. I used to work at stores and restaurants, but they all chucked me. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I realized that I made everything worse by daydreaming, instead of making anything better. Like I just blew it. There's almost no going back to undoing what I did. My past 20 years could've been so much better. It was a dumb thing to do from the start. The conclusion is just really sad. "You Lose."

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I had such a hard time finding a job, because employers were on vacation and students were returning to college, so the job boards were very slow. Now they're picking up again. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I think I may have gotten an internship, but the response is quite late. So yeah, I may have taken the first step towards something. Although I have my doubts.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I had the most vivid dream last night. I was sleeping, of course. I took a big trip to another country, and my hotel was on a boat going through a water channel in a city. I went on amusement stops. It was kind of like Tokyo. There was lots to do, it was crazy...Then I heard this strange 'swivelling' sound and I woke up slowly. I found myself lying on my bed, and my dad was in a conference, he works at home. The reception wasn't doing well, and it sounded like a broke down violin, while he was talking to his team mates. It was so surreal. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is truly embarrassing and unforgettable, but Whenever I showed my face in public, whether it was school or work, everybody started to repeat my name in a mantra and bicker about how unbelievably quiet I am, and jump to the conclusion that I have no friends. I used to take it for granted and ignore them, thinking they were overly critical. Now that I see it, they were probably right, and I do have a big problem. But it's just the attention was so overbearing and it still penetrates into my subconscious state to this day. Like I can still remember everybody screaming, laughing and screwing faces at me, like they thought I was some idiot who couldn't speak English.