Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My sister found a boyfriend online who happens to live in Oakville. He's a city planner and she's a horticulturalist. My point is, she had no trouble getting something that I prey for everyday. I think it's the fact she opens up her mouth. She's smart and has a personality, very perceptive of the world, and can easily make friends. Well, she is rather awkward, just like me, but she has no problem connecting with people. She always gets out, well she works outside and attends Guelph University. 

Meanwhile, I'm cooped up inside the house, submitting resumes to companies everyday, and doing my own creative projects. But I almost never get out of the house and socialize with others for fun. I do take walks down to the lakefront and around towns parks. Frankly, I never learned how to hook up with people and find them. I've always been waffling and drifting around in circles, believing in my own bullcrap. At one time or the other, I expected to run into a special someone on one of my daily walkabouts. But I didn't get realistic and think that people go to work and have lives, and they definitely don't live in their heads. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah, I hope you get it. I actually wish that I got a job soon. I haven't chosen a college yet, and all the things I have to do in being prepared. It overwhelms me, I seriously haven't been a college student since the 2000's. 
I honestly don't mind being hired and training while I'm working.

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, the one today went decent. I hope to get the call letter from them, so that I can start working.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You're in better shape than me. I had some interviews, but didn't land a job yet. I have the feeling I'm returning to college next year. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I got another interview today for a business related role. So I'm prepping for it and I hope it goes well.

I hope I land this job and start my career somewhere.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I had habits from the decade prior that needed to change, while I was still MD'ing. I feel so stupid. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel anxious. I haven't been to college in years. I'm looking into a couple vocational schools and have a month to make a decision for winter. I'm still looking for a full-time job, but it feels hopeless.

[Kiruba Victor]

Hey, I finally managed to land an interview today half past noon. So I hope I get a job. First step in my career.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I wonder if I got into so many problems up the road...because to most, it's like I'm from another planet. For example, my dad tried everything to tell me, "get out of your room and socialize. So can make friends and develop relationships." I didn't follow his advice, and it was the most regrettable mistake I've ever made, aside from not taking my education seriously. My parents, even others, were throwing certain stares and shouted at me so loudly, like I was being too weird and not behaving and thinking as I really should. Above all, they have easily discovered my MD problem, and we're quite mad at me. They all told me to grow up. "Stop being a baby. Express yourself. Getting an answer out of you is like digging for treasure. Why do you close your eyes? Why do you laugh? Say please, thank you, may I, excuse me..."

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I always wondered why others judged me so hard and turned away. I just didn't look at the other side of the coin. On an emotional scale. I think some of them found me an idiot or a 'good for nothing' asshole. Not that I think this of myself. I do love myself and everything. I am a good person at heart. That doesn't mean everybody is going to like me. My point is maybe that's why I had trouble dating men and making friends. 

Another thing is, maybe a number of people felt I didn't like them, in the way I carried on. Like I didn't smile, talk or embrace them in a friendly manner. I just kept to myself and didn't want to interact. So they shrugged and went on to other people, befriended and had relationships with them. I honestly don't think I came across as socially normal. Which happens in a small town when you're the only oddball.