Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I realize that I had trouble 'really' growing up into my adulthood, because I didn't grow up being responsible in my childhood and teens. Like my parents did so much for me. I was never a camp leader or an event coordinator. I didn't work through high school. I didn't volunteer that much. I never flew on a plane alone. Only destination I traveled independently and beyond my region was once to New York. Otherwise, I've always been with my parents. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I've always been discouraged to ask anybody out. In fact, I honestly don't get out and talk to others. That's probably why I'm so lonely. I grew up introverted and doing my own things, but never learned how to mingle with others and get socially active. I was very weak in that sector. I didn't have much of a personality, nor did I talk so much, so I was always getting teased and bullied about it. A lot of people found me very stupid. 

So I often lived in alternative lives where I was someone else I'm totally not in reality. I'd wake up in real life situations, realizing what in immature dunce I am. It always made me feel bad. It often reflected in peoples emotional expressions towards me. I can tell that they don't like me, nor find me smart. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, that part is true. Real life isn't always glamour, but for MDers, it hits so hard that it almost knocks us out unconscious. If I get my first job, I can go up from there. But I wonder when it will happen.

I'm still scared to ask anybody out. So it's gonna be a while before I get a girl.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I should've set my own priorities and FOCUS on myself. I never should've relied on the prospect of needing someone to take care of me and make me feel happy. That's not the way this world works. We'd be happy go lucky if that really happened. Apparently, these days, we all have to be educated and self-supportive. I should've known that all along. I forget that we're modern, and don't think of things traditionally anymore. Hopefully I have learned my lesson, and I will get back on me feet and accomplish myself, as I should've in the first place. OR maybe I'm sort of right, and I do deserve to have a good partner, and he simply hasn't come around yet. I understand that not everybody likes me around here...because I come across as boring and uninteresting. I have been laughed at and harassed a great deal growing up for this reason. Above all, real life definitely does not look like your fantasies, and it's about time I sucked that up. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Last night, I was lying down, and I wondered why I was always 'crap out of luck' with relationships. Then I remembered how everybody just reacted to how quiet and boring I was, but also my odd behaviour. They honestly didn't like me and wanted to keep away. I lived in my head and was always thinking, wondering into other worlds, so I didn't take a closer look at how I was impacting everybody. I always had trouble reading emotions and body language. I think that I was highly misunderstood. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I wish I could go out more as well. Like, I wish I could get a relationship as well, but I think sometimes people find me either boring or annoying.

I'm taking my first steps towards a career. I hope all's well.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Everything I am in my MD life is vice versa in real life. I have no problem with relationships and talking, and I act like an adult in my fantasies. Regardless, in real life I'm the contrary. I'm wondering if that's why I got let down. I even started bad habits, because nothing was ever coming along, because I was only dreaming them. My parents were worried about my bad, unhealthy habits and told me to stop it. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

 I'm just thinking, if I hadn't done MD, my life would've looked so much better. I wouldn't be living in a rut. Like it did me more harm than good. Your MD tells you life will be sweet. It can be if you concentrated on life. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I wish I had my own apartment. My mom bosses me around in the house. My sister sometimes tells me off. My dad just wants me to be independent someday. 

I wanted to get married and have kids. This never ever happened. It was all up to me the whole time. If I told my 20-year old self this news, I probably would've been very disappointed and deeply discouraged. This is probably why everybody takes school so seriously. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

They drive cars, have places to go and people to see...they'd probably laugh if they saw how I lived.