Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's no wonder everyone was so infuriated around me, they felt like they were talking to a wall. So they thought, "Forget it, the hell with her." I basically killed my own chances. I didn't understand how they all felt when I just stood there saying nothing all day. It's no wonder they found me so stupid. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I wonder if I should quit design and stick to art. I'm not cut out for public communication. Design is hard. I'll never get a digital job in these times. It's just so competitive out there. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It was so confident to think I was going to marry. I never met a boy who actually liked me. I should've thought, "Gosh, I need an education." But no, stupid me believed someone will come. Like all stupid women in the world. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's actually disturbing to think, all those criticisms I received over the same problem..that I could've fixed so much sooner, if it weren't for my ignorance. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

...I can dream on. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I just don't think people like the way I talk and sound. I think they find me boring and tedious. They can't see right through me and tell what I want. They just see a very emotionally deadpan and unexpressive person. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I mean...they all noticed that I daydreamed as well. Despite I enjoyed my maladaptive daydreams, and they made me feel happy, on the outside, I appeared kind of nuts. I think I made them very uncomfortable. 

As for my future. It's as if I didn't make anything I wanted happen! I was too busy dwelling in my daydream life to pay attention. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Same thing happened to me as a kid. It was so terrible. I wasn't liked by many people in my hometown. The kids were constantly making fun of me. Even the adults were very critical on me. They kept on making remarks on my silent mouth and my timid nature. I got bullied, manipulated, withdrawn and nobody wanted to date me, nor want to be my friend. I still live in this town! It would be great if I moved out. Everybody I grew up with are all gone to other parts. It makes me feel left behind and staring at shadows. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I kind of was in in a similar stage. I was bullied due to my social awkwardness as well, but later I realized, I was not entirely at fault. They were bullies after all. So, when I moved to India, I liked the people here and was able to mingle more here.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I notice that I've never been interactive and chatty around others, and it makes me wonder if that's why I've constantly been all by myself. I used maladaptive daydreaming as a coping mechanism to suppress the pain I suffered of never fitting in and chumming with people, and being socially rejected. I was always the weird kid that everybody laughed at and bullied. Even in my adulthood, everybody thought I was chaste as wind driven snow, because I bothered them with my socially awkward behaviour. I am so afraid that this is officially me for the rest of my life. I just find that horrible.