Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Sometimes the truth is very hard to swallow. I think that I ignored the truth, by living in my head so long. I wanted to believe what I wanted to see, in spite it wasn't realistic. Everybody basically teased and harassed me about the very same thing. I came across as a socially awkward person who couldn't engage in conversation and interact with them, so they kept on laughing, being mean, stared me, manipulate me or just ignored me. I started to MD to get away from that kind of pain, but it went too far, and got me in more trouble than it's worth. And then I lived unhappily in a big, long rutty lifestyle that I never wanted in the first place, possibly because of my mom's concerns about my mental health. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I hate to break this, but I wasn't liked by anybody in my hometown. They found me a total weirdo. And they thought I was stupid. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm a person who looks at the whole big picture. Sometimes things are not what they seem. So I lost the chance to test the waters and date people. It doesn't mean there's nobody out there for me at all. People will react and jump to assumptions on a person's overall appearance at first glance. They'll assume you'll never have anybody if you can't amused and satisfy them. Truth is not everybody is them. There will always be a great person in those hundreds of people that turned away from you, because of a lack of quality that they detest. There is a great person who can look past your appearance and see the beautiful person you are from within. You just need to be patient and keep on looking for that special individual. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I haven't applied to any new jobs today. Companies are not hiring and old job postings just sit there. The resumes that I send over are in vain. Look like it's back to school for me!

[Jessica Ballantyne]

To be honest, I am put to shame and feel idiotic about where I am today. I should've been prepared for my future and did what I needed to do, so I can get ahead. However something stupid got in the way and maybe I was too immature to understand that's just life. I was excited to come of age and become an adult, but I treated life itself like the movies I watched. Where everybody has an amazing blast of a time and live happily ever after. Music sort of induced my beliefs to an extreme, where I was self-assured good things were coming. I should've known that's all a bag of bull. You have to go through school, work hard, sacrifice, struggle and impress your parents, like everybody else. Finding the love of your life is really chancy, and you have to go through dating people, unless your socially awkward like we are. I think that I missed the point along the way. That's why I fell so hard on my face in the end. I just didn't get it. I hate to admit I deserved that sharp wake up call. That will teach me to fill my head with ludicrous. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My pace is pretty darn slow. I'm embarrassed to tell people where I am right now. One time, a blogger told me "your a grown up" and tried to lend me money. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, we all have our own pace. I myself am slower compared to the rest of my peers. But once we both get a job, we can take off from there, I feel.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I mean, my mom still has me under her foot. I still can't afford my own place. I have no job. It's ridiculous for a 35 year old to still be monitored by her parents. I often ask myself what happened there. I don't believe I made very practical decisions in my life. I've been a job hopper for years now. It doesn't make my resume look very good. It's like I'm not trying hard enough. I've basically chose the wrong career and drifted out of touch. It put me into this sink hole. Meanwhile, nobody new is walking into my life. Like it's my fault I won't change to make my life a better place. I'm so afraid that my future is not going to have a great conclusion for me. My past was like a red flag warning of what's to come if I don't watch out. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I understand totally. Being stuck is the worst feeling. I wish I could move out soon, so that I can have some freedom.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I've been cooped up in a house for 17 months. My sleep cycle will break and I will go back to sleep. Then I wake up with big-time sleep inertia and it's hell to feel alive, even for hours. I'm actually a zombie. My breathing is heavy, my body is stiff and its hard to eat. I drink two cups of coffee so I can read and concentrate. You can't imagine what my head feels like when I have inertia. It's not a pleasant experience.