Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm wondering if my expectations were too high, and I didn't do anything correctly. It still baffles me as to why nobody was ever there. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You know, when things come easily to people, it doesn't always mean they appreciate them. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm so jealous of people who are just happy go lucky. When something important to you is missing in your life, and you might not ever touch it—it just breaks the heart. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

The issues in my life seem like an endless rope. Things never get better and I run into the same circumstances. It makes me think this is initially the rest of my life, as I speak. But if there's a will, there's a way. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I never married, I'm wondering if I'm too frustrating to live with. People just ditch me on the spot, because they can't get many words out of my mouth. It seems to be, for most tribes, I'm not a normal person. 

I'm not saying for myself, I'm not normal. I do love and respect myself and all. I just keep on meeting people who go WTF when they see me. And I sat in my cocoon all the time. I should've beeb actively looking beyond my comfort zone. It's no wonder I'm so disappointed. 

But you're right, I guess at some point, I will find the right friends. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

What frustrates me is that people continue to judgemental and stare and make the same comments. I've known people that repeated the same comment or found ways to get a verbal reaction out of me. I'm wondering if I come off as a brick wall to them. Let's be blunt, I always struggled to be more interactive my whole life. Those crowds I was with found me too weird and wondered if I was quite OK, and baffled as to why I simply can't behave like them. I'm wondering if I should keep looking for a crowd who likes me just the way I am. Doesn't continue to dwell and press on my weaknesses. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, focus on being the good friend for people. That will really help. Eventually, friendship will get reciprocated and you'd find yourself with friends.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm not a nomad, but I feel like one. I was always going from place to place by myself, especially on the weekends. It really sucks, and isn't good for your health. You never see me with a group, ever. It's even uncommon to see me with one or two people. Wherever I go, you see me solo. People used to tease me for not hanging out with friends, especially before covid broke out. 

I'm thinking in 2022, I'm going to change my old habits and become a new person. Try to get socially involved, and if people don't like me, because they find me quiet, oh well, what can I do? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, you will find a tribe of people. I used to feel like a nomad often, and I think I might, again soon.

By the way, I have an interview tomorrow for an opening of a customer support role in an IT company. So, I hope I do that well, and get in.

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, it's not too late to turn a new leaf. Soon, you will find your tribe as you say. Or maybe, make friends from different tribes, and mesh them all into your own tribe. 

By the way, I have an interview tomorrow