Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I thought I was going to get somewhere at 35. It's a disgrace when life doesn't work out as you planned. I can't even find a job at my level in this pandemic crisis. I'm just wondering if the companies I applied to noticed the dates in my employment history and thought I'm this job hopper whose not very professional in her career. I applied to every company and agency I can think of. I'm just not winning. I don't think anybody is going to want to hire me. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah, I think people are not attracted to be, first off, they can't get a word out of my mouth  and I look a bit scared of them. It's a turn off, and they're just not interested. They think I'm unfriendly, serious, and probably don't like them, so they go onto super outgoing people. 

I am who I am. I can't change so drastically for somebody else. I can improve things about myself, but I can't entirely transform the fact I have difficulty with social interaction. Meanwhile, they just keep on laughing at me. 
I don't believe any of them had Asperger syndrome, so they must've found me all strange and different. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I regret not keeping myself in shape since I left Parts Avatar. It's actually harder to motivate yourself, when there's no project laid plan with deadlines. You start to do whatever you want. I envy people who have the natural ability to push themselves and be their own leaders. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I'm a hopeless desperate romantic. I expect love in places where I know I can't get it. I wish I could find someone whom I could share intimacy with. Both physical as well as emotional. But it looks like it will be far off.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Call me a hopeless romantic, and a bit of a dramatic. Of course, a number of people found me someplace else, the way I carried on. And mom thinks I often don't live on Earth. 

When I was in my youth, I was ga ga over music and it moved me in a very spiritual way. It filled my soul with magic and wonder. It made me optimistic and gave me hope on finding love. It gave me the illusion that I'll meet someone special who will dance with me to these sweet and radical melodies. Who will share that passion with me to celebrate our new found love and start a life together. However, this didn't fly by anybody...and all they noticed was that I was quiet, timid and in another world. In fact, some of them caught me dancing, swerving, smiling and making faces to the music that moved me—and they just wanted to know if I was Ok. They couldn't seem to understand what I was doing and found me rather deaf. Years later, I realized that if I opened up about what I was thinking, they probably would've found me nuts. So I wonder if I found a guy who was right for me, would he understand all this. ...Or maybe I should quit hard and think twice about what I'm doing. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I have an art studio in the basement, but I get daymares or buzzing thoughts sitting in there. I wonder if there's energy or activity under the ground. I have to go back upstairs to clear my head. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I hate this stupid pandemic. I wish it would just go away and it will probably be here for another 1-2 years. I also have to get my delta booster. This has got to be one of the most boring, but deadly, times in human history. 

I'm so sick of getting nowhere. I'm getting fed up with my life in Oakville. I just want a new opportunity to grow into something beneficial. Ever since I stopped working and just sat around the house for many months, my health has gotten worse. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm getting quite discouraged. I have to look at another option for a secondary occupation and do further research, and pick a college by November. It seems at this point, it's going to be very challenging to be hired this fall. It seems my application does need a lot of improvement if I want to get someone's attention. I don't always tailor my resumes. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I had a couple interviews that got canceled in the summer. It was so annoying and I sort of got prepared for them. Usually when they cancel a zoom, it means somebody else got the job or the position is on hold. 

[Kiruba Victor]

My interviews got postponed, they're tomorrow and the day after. So I gotta prep for that definitely.