Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
Your message is very strong. I see your point. The aftermath is very real. I'm thankful I stopped dreaming the way I used to. It does not make up for the future I'm doing to be facing. I do hope there will be relief and forgiveness along the way. It's not like FUTURE people will discover that I am, or was an MD'er, and I probably will not say a word.
You're absolutely right. That's exactly what happened to me at first. I can see in your writing, you've had this experience yourself. Getting in and out of MD - in turn got me into a Big Crunch. I am sorry I did this - but sorry doesn't cut it. Just learn not to let it happen again. Hopefully, some good will come out of this. It upsets me to think, if I hadn't touched MDD at 12 - I would've been Ok today. Unless some other traumatic thing came along. God knows. Shit happens, and we all have to deal with it.
Hi Camoran! Thanks for sharing your perpesctive. What you've mentioned is quite interesting and I have a few questions for you. I would be really grateful if you could take some time out to get back to me on these :)
So if I understand correctly, you came to a point where even daydreaming didn't help with pushing down your repressed emotions and they naturally started resurfacing? Or were you making an attempt to stop daydraming when these emotions started to resurface?
Secondly, when things start to resurface, does it actually get that bad? Were you able to do any day to day activities during this phase - Like work or school or college?
I've stopped daydreaming myself and my entire body is numb with no sensations. When I'm able to hold off daydreaming for a couple of seconds, I start feeling certain sensations in my chest and my legs get restless and my mind starts thinking a lot of random things before it starts slipping into daydreaming again lol.
Althoguh I haven't had much success so far, I'm still determined to being able to start feeling my emotions. Most of the times, I'm able to notice how my mind is trying to avoid and run away from feeling sensations on my body. And I'm quite certain that it's possible to quiet my mind when this happens and focus on the numbness and the emotions that resurface if I want to.
First off, keep in mind that MD and its consequences aren't necessarily a cataclysmic all-or-nothing matter. Its severity varies based on the circumstances. My case was an extreme one as far as I can tell, although even the lightest degree of MD, by its very nature, is already a cause for concern.
With that said, to answer your first question, it was so much worse than that.
Your compulsively daydreamed world is ultimately a reversed artist's rendition of the thoughts hidden in the depths of your mind. I'm talking about things like the repressed feelings you mentioned, unmet needs, more or less anything of an emotional nature that needs to be addressed. Your imagination comes up with intricate fantasies of situations where those issues don't exist, in an attempt to extinguish the effect they have on you.
The problem with this is that you're always aware that it's all fake. No matter how much effort you put into perfecting the fantasy, it never truly satisfies. It's that nagging sensation in the background which reminds you that the illusion doesn't solve anything, and it does not go away. The more you attempt to suppress it, the stronger it becomes, in an unsustainable feedback loop that reinforces the contrast until it all collapses in on itself.
Because of this mechanism (for your second question), I believe that "things" cannot begin to truly resurface until after it's all fallen apart. If you want more details you can find my observations here, but the short version is that there can be no true progress until you can fully access the unrestricted depths of your mind, no matter how painful or distressing, which requires a specific sort of awareness that you lack for as long as you're lost in the daydreaming.
I've since learned that this awareness can also be lost. The temptation to sweep it all under the rug all over again is strong and insidious, and it's the danger you face now. Never forget the price you paid for not listening to your own mind, or it will consume you again.
Be honest with yourself about everything. Let the flood run free, let it burn you clean of the delusions, force yourself to do it if you must. It doesn't matter that it's unpleasant, or painful, or cold, only that it's true. It'll make a whole new kind of sense when you're done processing it all.
My entire life fell apart about 5 years ago. When I suddenly realized that I'll never be the person that I am in my day dreams. When I finally got what I always day dreamed about, I felt as empty as I always have. I've always ignored that feeling until upto that point.
When this realization hit for the fist time, my entire life came to a hault for a couple of months. Until one day I after trying certain medication for the first time, I finally felt like I had a self and was at peace but at the same time, I could also feel that I'm pushing this intense fear in my chest.
This sense of self lasted for a day before numbness took over again. And then for the past few years, I took this trans like experience too seriously whenver I was not day dreaming, I spent all my energy thinking of this experience and how to achieve it again.
Currently, I'm don't feel as broken like I used to. But I don't think that's a bad thing. My daydreams don't provide a sense of relief anymore. I realize that most of my thinking is just static that's happening in the background all the time. And I am constantly aware of the numb dead person I am overhere in reality.
I am somewere on the spectrum on stage 5. But there's no impending sense of doom (yet). It's just acceptance and numbness. I'm starting to notice how I've been away from my body all my life and how I've spent 25 years in my head.
There are moments when I'm not daydreaming and I can notice my body geting stiff, my muscles twitching, and my mind racing. I think repressed things are starting to resurface. At least I hope that's the case.
Thank you, Camoran.
Yes, I noticed the I'll never be the person that I am in my fantasies. Part that makes me sad is that I indulged in years of daydreams and believed in everything that took place in my head. When really, I should've faced the truth long ago...and not daydream. It engulfed my life and effected it to an extent, I didn't experience a very good life as a result.
I used to dream up being good at a great many things, such as relationships and professions, but never took the time to get real experience, so I could debunk what I was believing. It blows my mind how far from wrong I was. I didn't understand how so many people disagreed with me and were oppositional in a critical way. It steered way out of control. I'm not sure if they sense stupidity. I do have a form of Autism and don't speak efficiently, plus I'm clumsy, have a learning disorder and have a hard time listening. This made relationships extremely difficult, and the same for everything else.
Hard to imagine, right? A whole new state of being, a higher level of understanding and all the advantages it brings... but I've found that it's impossible to even comprehend while you're drowning in this other, degraded "form". It defies description unless you have it.
It's this weird nebulous concept you can't quite grasp despite knowing that you should be able to. And then suddenly a switch flips in the mind when you least expect it (although there can be signs, as I mentioned in that old post) and this previously unfathomable advancement is just... normal. It's just the natural way things are, now that you're in it. It's so simple now that you finally get it, how did it take so long? It's almost insultingly obvious in hindsight.
You suddenly not only know, but also understand at an instinctive level. It's a very specific feeling, even now I can't properly put it in words, and ironically enough I used to be able to.
It's like all the cogs spinning wildly out of control in your brain have suddenly snapped into order. It all just makes sense. It might take some effort to actually formulate all the thoughts shooting around, but the picture is finally crystal clear.
Until it fucking isn't, and by the time you notice it's already too late. Back to square one, except this time you know what you're missing.
Sound familiar to you, Cain? I have an inkling it might.
I'm literally shocked this morning. I looked up to life for years in a positive, glowing light, but for what? Was this feeling fake? Was I not making any sense in my mind? Most call it illusions, but I called it hope. Now that hope is false. Sometimes, the truth does hurt. Real Life will not look like our dreams. We do have to work hard to get there. Regardless, when I was younger, I was so thick. My life was soft in the 90's and I had too good a time, as a kid. But I wasn't a successful person and I didn't get far in my adulthood. And my communication skills always need improvement. I wonder if it's how I played my cards. I remember being very discouraged when I just graduated from college. Like I was too afraid to take a the next big step. Then I expected things to just "happen to me." When really, it was all up to me to change things. I was my own problem.
Attached file is an Article by Osho.
You don’t accept yourself, you go on rejecting yourself. You are constantly in search of ways of improving your image. You want to become more beautiful, healthier, stronger, famous, creative, this and that. You are not contented the way you are.
It seems so impossible to be contented the way we are, because the mind can always imagine better things. You can have a little longer nose, or a little shorter. You can have a little more intelligence, a little more physical beauty, a little more charisma, a little more psychological integrity, a little more powerful personality. You can always imagine, and your imagination makes you discontented with yourself as you are.
I was a young kid when MD started. When I was a teen—I believed I'd be forever young and experience the joys and thrills of life to come. However I was Too young to realize what an impact it will have on my adulthood, my health and reputation. We do change with growth. All of us. MD greatly effected my course of life and decision making. It gave everyone an impression that left them intently staring at me for a long time. Also it made me deaf. Regards, I didn't get to the actualization of how people will TAKE what I'm doing in my head. All I thought about was Me. I didn't even stop to think of the real world—because most times I lived in my own. Surprisingly, MD was fun and induced happiness in me like a drug. That's why I wish that I Brought this up in the first place, which I didn't.
Now that I come to think of it. "That's just Life."
I grew up glorifying the beautiful sunny mornings and serene sunsets, while absorbing myself my own positive visions, lulled into complacency. How bad can life be? I'm going to have it good. But along the way, I was missing the point. Things don't stay the same forever, and you'll fall into problems if you don't Think, Pay Attention, and take careful measures towards the journey you're going. That means don't get lost in a head of daydreams. No matter how splendid life can be at the present moment, it can't guarantee your future will be sweet.
So I feel like I got everything the wrong way around. I didn't go with everybody's else's flow or what society says I should be doing, so I'm not in any danger. I was just too self-satisfied for my own good.