Hiding my MD

[HowToKillADragon]

I try to hide my MD as much as possible. I feel very embarrassed of people seeing me when I'm daydreaming because I will make facial expressions and talk to myself. Sometimes people catch me doing it and give me really weird looks, like "what's your problem?". I get very self conscious about it. It really frustrates me that it's so much out of my control. I feel embarrassed, lonely and powerless because of it.

When I daydream I will almost see double - the real world in front of my and my daydream creeping into my vision. I can see both at once and it's very disconcerting for me. Someone could be talking to me and I do everything I can to focus on what they are saying and still there's a daydream competing for my attention.

It's so hard to carry this silently without anyone around me knowing what's going on in my head. I always wonder what they would really think of me if I were to tell them. I always assume that they would judge me and distance themselves from me. 

I told a good friend of mine and she was shocked with what I shared. Something that happens to me often is that the daydreams take over my sight and I almost "blackout". I can't see or hear anything except what's in the daydream. I guess it's like dissociation, but I don't really know. I told my friend about a time that I was waiting to cross the street and I didn't notice when the light changed because I was in a daydream. She was shocked and a little worried because she thought it was dangerous that I couldn't see around me. My therapist had a similar reaction when I told her. The funny thing is, I didn't even think it was odd because it's been happening for most of my life.

If my therapist is put off by it, how are other people supposed to understand? I feel very alone carrying this. It helps that some people in my life know, but I wish I could just turn to the person next to me and say "sorry I missed that, I was daydreaming" without it being a big deal. 

I'm so relieved I found this forum because it's so nice to know that I'm not the only one who is dealing with this. I didn't even know what MD was until recently. I spent most of my life thinking I was the only person in the world who was like this and that I was just weird and broken somehow. 

I want to quit so I don't have to hide it anymore.