Lost Hopes

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Crazy as it sounds. I slept, worked and dwelled in a bedroom for 31 years since I was 6. Never moved out, was never professionally successful. Crazier, I never experienced having a real relationship with anybody. When I first lived in the area, I saw it as a portal of hope and fulfillment. I was hoping to make a close circle of friends and experience life in a good way, travel places, make something of myself. This did not come to fruition. I had a big problem with living a daydream life on an everyday basis. It got stronger on me, and took over my life. I never felt a deep connection with any person I've ever met in town—felt weird and unrelated to them. I was so different and exceptional and everybody else was ordinary as wood. So I didn't make any friends. People there even  encountered my daydream life, and found me some kind of outlandish weird-y. To be honest, I've only been a date twice in my life. I was an extremely quiet and timid person who most times was a million miles away. I was such a dreamer, that it distracted me from excelling in all aspects in life. It somehow effected my ability to properly adapt into the world. When I came of age, I wanted to get out in the world and start a career, and that didn't run smoothly either. I was disabled with this daydreaming problem and didn't speak very much, making look so stupid and unable to work. So I was very hard to earn my independence and live my own life. Before I knew it, I have lived in a town for 31 years, not moving on and getting out there, not being professionally successful and never found a mutual bonding with someone. Like a lost cause. 
I realize what I did all my life was "maladaptive," which must've slowed my growth and development, causing me to look like a big baby, in spite I'm highly intelligent, artistic and talented. I just can't seem to perform right in all these work environments. I'm getting ridiculously too old for this shit. 

I must admit I was entitled in my 20's. I'm a millennial. I took up college courses that didn't really help my future and guarantee I'd make money. Expected everything to land on my lap like magic. Hoped to meet my true love someday and get a house. Nope. None of this happened. As if nobody cared, all except me, like wasn't ever heard or seen. I really should've spoken up, but I didn't. Even if I tried to exert a point, I might've went through a load of people who didn't like me as a person. It taught me that I'm not special anymore than the next person. My dad gave me valuable advice since a teen, get experience, go out there and look, get involved, make friends, test waters etc. I was stubborn, just wanted to dream all day. Sat in my room reading, surfing, studying, journaling—but didn't ever pay attention to people. Let's face it I'm unmistakably an introvert. Everybody else I know had zero problems making their dreams come true, make so many friends, got married, had kids, found homes, found their dream career, traveled, lived their lives accordingly. I look at myself and wonder, what's going on with me? Then I realize that all that time I was engulfed in maladaptive daydreaming—they were probably doing the right things for themselves, growing up and sorting out their lives...and not daydreaming. Why am I surprised? Doy! It's just sad what we don't realize, when we're buried in our head of fantasies. 

[Valeria Franco]

Dear Jessica,

being an introvert is fine, it's not a problem, it's just a way to be. It's the society that has a problem with introverts and makes them feel excluded, so they become anxious and lonely. 

You're not stubborn. You have a mental health problem which has impacted all your life. Nobody would define stubborn someone who stays mainly at home because of a physical issue. 

So, you should have been helped but you weren't. And your father's precious advice was useless to you, the same way "come on, just eat something" would be useless advice to an anorexic person. It's not your father's fault, of course, he was trying his best.

But you need to understand that mental illness has nothing to do with willpower.

The good news is that you can start your life now, it's not too late. You just need to know how to address your problems: in fact, you need to address them as problems and not as a lack of willpower or strength.

Today it's the first day you face your new life. 

You are aware that you have a problem, so now you will look for help. You can talk about it here or in other places online. You can stop feeling guilty and can start practicing self-compassion. You can find a psychologist in real life or online. 

Friends, career, and love will come after you start this inner change. 

Don't be ashamed, it's your life, you've been unlucky as you had problems, so what? Many people do. 

Leave the weight of the shame and guilt behind and be free to become the person you are.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I don't feel guilty and I do feel self-compassion for once in my life. I forgive the fact I got silly and goofy when I was a kid, and didn't realize how harmful MD can be. I started MD because I didn't feel connected with people on any level, and I felt cut out and lonely, with no friends. I remember sitting for hours just thinking about the things I want. Problem is that I didn't say anything, and it was over people's heads. Also, I wasn't the approachable, outgoing, and talkative type. Bluntly speaking, nobody liked this, and I just received criticisms that I need to change my ways. 

My dad is just concerned that I'm still incapable of supporting myself, since he's soon to retire, and he wants me to get a job. But, sometimes I don't think he sees what I am going through, health wise, and it's not easy for me. I just went a year without full-time work. I'm going to a career advising workshop today. Thing that scares me is that I have to change my career. The current one I'm in isn't working out. I was even warned in advance that it wouldn't, in college. I seriously wished that I listened, I would've been thankful today if I had. Design is a very hard field to get in.

I would like friends, career, and love to come my way now, if it ever does. I feel that I do deserve it, by why it's never there beats me. My sister has no trouble with dating people, but she has excellent verbal skills and a personality. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Everything is kind of dire, right now. I guess it's doom and gloom on TV/internet. People are jerks and my dad is demanding. Jobs are hard to find. I just hope everything will be OK. Sometimes I think my life got tense because I dreamed...even though it made me feel wonderful and fuzzy in the beginning.