March 2012

[Lightman]

So February was different... Not like I planned, lots of crying at my therapist, new insights and plans... I have never in my life been this honest with anyone, and it freaks me out! I have this recurring nightmare that I've had since childhood, in the dream I'm falling from a great height into icy dark water. I always jerk awake seconds before I hit the water. There is no logical explanation for why i have this dream. But the fact that I do, makes me really afraid of the combo. So the last time Elizabeth and I went to the pool we made a stop at their highest diving platform (7m up) in order for me to conquer this fear. I did jump, twice but in no way did I conquer the fear. Actually I think it made it worse. 
 Every time I give up one of my heavily guarded secrets it feels like I'm back on that wretched platform. Heart pounding, knees shaking, shutting of my brain, forcing myself to take a tiny step into nothingness and waiting for the impact. 
Each session is one hour, it leaves me empty and raw... It is the  reason for my absence and lack of posting here. I miss it, and I miss you! I just can't post anything about the mess in my head right now... 
Rox great job and happy birthdays :) Sasi, 30day shred, going strong- wow! I'm really proud of you ladies :) Jules welcome aboard! Elizabeth how are you? As for me, march started with a makeover, new hairstyle and new makeup, summer plans are set! Booked two glorious weeks in NYC visiting friends. Finally a small yet crucial puzzle piece in merging dd with my real self. I'm my DDs my character owns a gorgeous sexy red silk kimono. In real life I have a pink fleece robe, very comfy but also very hard to to look sensual or dangerous  in... So when my parents went to Shanghai this past week on some business and asked if I wanted anything I jumped at the opportunity. I gave them general guidelines and boy did they deliver :) they went to "silk king" a tailor and silk store (popular with head of states) and got a bright red, patterned with peacocks and cherry blossom, stunning, way way to expensive, silk kimono that surpasses anything I had in my DDs! I love it, because they picked it out for me, it's origin intrigues and inspires me. But most of all because I see myself in it. Wearing it while kissing my future husband goodbye in the morning, wearing it while rocking our baby to sleep, sitting in it and going over my dissertation in bed ... It holds such promise of a future where I'm living my dreams, the leading lady of my life! 

[Jules]

Thanks for the welcome Lightman! (: And GO the kimono! Sounds fabulous. Thanks for sharing and starting off March with such courage. You're inspiring. Keep it up! Not sure what to say about me. I do have a lot going on, as I think you may understand. So I guess everyday things are sometimes a life saver, believe it or not. I bury my head in the sand a lot because it's hard to face some things. And I suppose DDing helps me to do that too.

I like how you said, "I'm living my dreams, the leading lady of my life!" That is what I am working on doing also. Trying at least. Not sure about you but I often want to just disappear. I don't know what it will take to make me see that I am an important member of the human race and have something to give it. But for now, I'll just do a kind thing for someone, even just giving someone a smile, each day. And hope that will grow into something substantial. Glad you guys are here to talk with. xo

[roxanne]

Wow, Light, you have had a heavy month.  Your dream is fascinating.  How is it interpreted?  I think dreams have to tell us something relevant as we think them up.  (Just as our DD's do.)  Is the water the unknown?  I forget now, but I'm sure water is very symbolic of something.  Death, birth, rebirth?  I think it is so interesting that you say you are "back on the platform" every time you give up a "heavily guarded secret."  Is this all going on wth therapist?  Sounds very good.

I love make-overs.  Please share what your new hair style & make-up are.  The red silk kimono  sounds like the essense of glamour.  Mind if I jet off to Shanghai to get one like it?  Heavy date this week-end with a new (old) flame.

Jules,  the little I know you, you sound very brave.  Aren't you in process of starting over?  That is so hard.  You always have kind things to say to others and I think there is no greater asset than kindness.  Starting there is starting from your heart. 

Sasi & Elizabeth - how are both of you doing? 

[sasi]

Lightman- you sound as though you are making some huge steps in therapy. I think it can be really disorientating to open up deep issues but it's the only way to make change. The dream sounds intense but our minds have ways of working through things. 
Jules- I spent decades feeling that I was irrelevant and an outsider to life going on elsewhere. Several events and a lot of time has made me realise this is not the case. I slip back every so often as they are deeply ingrained beliefs but most of the time it's ok. Anything I/ we can do to help you I will. Everyone has something special to contribute. It's so easy to mistake how valuable certain things are especially with some of the warped values of modern society. Those smiles and kind thoughts you have may be more valuable to someone than you could ever imagine. Don't underrate yourself. 
Rox- glad to hear you are still adding on those years. Keep up the good work. 
I'm having a few weeks of mind all over the place. This always makes me a bit dissociated which is never good. I am trying to stay really busy in the short term so I can limit dd. exercise continues. Not missed a day of my shred so far and starting to feel physically strong which leads me to be mentally strong. I am also weeding out some "toxic" friendships as I realise that I need to do if I am going to increase my self respect.  


roxanne said:

Wow, Light, you have had a heavy month.  Your dream is fascinating.  How is it interpreted?  I think dreams have to tell us something relevant as we think them up.  (Just as our DD's do.)  Is the water the unknown?  I forget now, but I'm sure water is very symbolic of something.  Death, birth, rebirth?  I think it is so interesting that you say you are "back on the platform" every time you give up a "heavily guarded secret."  Is this all going on wth therapist?  Sounds very good.

I love make-overs.  Please share what your new hair style & make-up are.  The red silk kimono  sounds like the essense of glamour.  Mind if I jet off to Shanghai to get one like it?  Heavy date this week-end with a new (old) flame.

Jules,  the little I know you, you sound very brave.  Aren't you in process of starting over?  That is so hard.  You always have kind things to say to others and I think there is no greater asset than kindness.  Starting there is starting from your heart. 

Sasi & Elizabeth - how are both of you doing? 

[Lightman]

Rock bottom! As part of my therapy I had to do a self evaluation of my behavior, that was compared to the results of six people (boss, friends, assistant...) evaluations of me. I got the results this week. Let's just say, that the results was less than flattering. So this week has had lots of therapy and crying. Right now it just hurts, really hurts! My therapist told me that I need to own and process this and not try to run from it. So that is currently what I'm doing now! Even though it super sucks. By spending so much time in my own dd combined with my real world type A/ambitious drive... Apparently makes me somewhat of a self absorbed, uncooperative, selfish prat... This was very sobering, Don't get me wrong, I got some great feedback about my good sides too. Given that I have amazing friends who are always there for me and a great boss (who I have a great relationship to)... I obviously have something to offer! But the fact that I'm hurting and letting down people I love, is not acceptable! 30% takes this info to heart and change for life, but the majority don't... I don't have a choice. 
Jules- I'm fighting the urge to stick my head in the sand... I know exactly what you mean! One of my friends told me that "your only job in this world is to be yourself, you are unique and special, and there is only one you in the entire world! You make my life better just being you, don't forget that you are amazing!" 
Rox- I have no idea what the dream means. My best guess is a fear of losing control. My hairstyle is a layered, shoulder length cut and I've switched to idi bare minerals make up. I really can recommend it :) 
Sasi- how is the shred going? My new mission is yoga, I've bought pocket yoga app and am eager to try it out. It is always good to sort out relationships, but before you cut friendship ties consider giving the person feedback and a chance to change. A lot of times people who behave badly have no idea that they do... 
Otherwise march is a travel month for me,  both business and personal. I think the constant change of scenery is good for me right now. 

[Lightman]

Sasi- your shred is going great, very impressed that you are keeping it up! What level are you doing?

Lightman said:

Rock bottom! As part of my therapy I had to do a self evaluation of my behavior, that was compared to the results of six people (boss, friends, assistant...) evaluations of me. I got the results this week. Let's just say, that the results was less than flattering. So this week has had lots of therapy and crying. Right now it just hurts, really hurts! My therapist told me that I need to own and process this and not try to run from it. So that is currently what I'm doing now! Even though it super sucks. By spending so much time in my own dd combined with my real world type A/ambitious drive... Apparently makes me somewhat of a self absorbed, uncooperative, selfish prat... This was very sobering, Don't get me wrong, I got some great feedback about my good sides too. Given that I have amazing friends who are always there for me and a great boss (who I have a great relationship to)... I obviously have something to offer! But the fact that I'm hurting and letting down people I love, is not acceptable! 30% takes this info to heart and change for life, but the majority don't... I don't have a choice.  Jules- I'm fighting the urge to stick my head in the sand... I know exactly what you mean! One of my friends told me that "your only job in this world is to be yourself, you are unique and special, and there is only one you in the entire world! You make my life better just being you, don't forget that you are amazing!"  Rox- I have no idea what the dream means. My best guess is a fear of losing control. My hairstyle is a layered, shoulder length cut and I've switched to idi bare minerals make up. I really can recommend it :) 
Sasi- how is the shred going? My new mission is yoga, I've bought pocket yoga app and am eager to try it out. It is always good to sort out relationships, but before you cut friendship ties consider giving the person feedback and a chance to change. A lot of times people who behave badly have no idea that they do... 
Otherwise march is a travel month for me,  both business and personal. I think the constant change of scenery is good for me right now. 

[sasi]

L- oh my goodness I'm not surprised you are at rock bottom. I would be in pieces if I had to get that sort of feedback from some others. I agree we have to "own" our stuff but that just sounds brutal. While I'm not trying to belittle your boss etc just remember that everyone brings their own issues with them when they comment on others. Did the people know why they were doing your survey? Also is your type a personality amplifying the negative things said? I have to admit that as part of my professional development we have to do feedback forms from colleagues/ staff. I'm too scared to do this so far as I'm the boss so I'm sure my staff hate me as I have to take some unpopular and firm stances on things. I'm intrigued as to why your therapist wanted you to do the exercise. Maybe it was in case you are too harsh on yourself and others glowing reviews would prove otherwise but unfortunately the exercise has backfired. You are doing such a brave, open thing on your 2012 journey. I hope this doesnt derail you. Might be worth a chat with your therapist to slow down the process a bit so you can tackle things a bit( or a lot) more gently??
Complete change of subject. I'm on level 2 of shred. I' was meant to go to level 3 yesterday but it looks way too hard yet and just about surviving level 2 so plan is another week of level 2 then level 3 next weekend. 

Lightman said:

Sasi- your shred is going great, very impressed that you are keeping it up! What level are you doing?

Lightman said:

Rock bottom! As part of my therapy I had to do a self evaluation of my behavior, that was compared to the results of six people (boss, friends, assistant...) evaluations of me. I got the results this week. Let's just say, that the results was less than flattering. So this week has had lots of therapy and crying. Right now it just hurts, really hurts! My therapist told me that I need to own and process this and not try to run from it. So that is currently what I'm doing now! Even though it super sucks. By spending so much time in my own dd combined with my real world type A/ambitious drive... Apparently makes me somewhat of a self absorbed, uncooperative, selfish prat... This was very sobering, Don't get me wrong, I got some great feedback about my good sides too. Given that I have amazing friends who are always there for me and a great boss (who I have a great relationship to)... I obviously have something to offer! But the fact that I'm hurting and letting down people I love, is not acceptable! 30% takes this info to heart and change for life, but the majority don't... I don't have a choice.  Jules- I'm fighting the urge to stick my head in the sand... I know exactly what you mean! One of my friends told me that "your only job in this world is to be yourself, you are unique and special, and there is only one you in the entire world! You make my life better just being you, don't forget that you are amazing!"  Rox- I have no idea what the dream means. My best guess is a fear of losing control. My hairstyle is a layered, shoulder length cut and I've switched to idi bare minerals make up. I really can recommend it :)  Sasi- how is the shred going? My new mission is yoga, I've bought pocket yoga app and am eager to try it out. It is always good to sort out relationships, but before you cut friendship ties consider giving the person feedback and a chance to change. A lot of times people who behave badly have no idea that they do... 
Otherwise march is a travel month for me,  both business and personal. I think the constant change of scenery is good for me right now. 

[Lightman]

I wanted to do the test. It was my idea... It's a Swedish, very well researched instrument to determine what personality type you are, how others perceive you and how well you cooperate with others. What is great about the test is that all types have strengths and weaknesses. So no personality type is better than the others. It is completely anonymous, I can't see the individual marks and the best thing is the format. It consist of word pairs to choose between, the word pairs aren't always opposites. They had to decided if I'm more "quiet or ambitious" "easy going or humble" and so on... It's the ultimate feedback loop, they then compare you to the thousands of other swedes who have taken the test and se were you rank.  The great thing is that it actually gives you very handy advice on what to work on and it stresses that it's not about changing who you are. That you should accept your shortcomings and instead work in managing them. For me I feel like its going to be life changing... If I do the work! Revolutionary, in the sense that if I were an iPhone I would go from being an iPhone 3GS to an iPhone 5! The pain and distress I have right now... It's a price I'm willing to pay. "A little courage, a little self control and some grim determination..."

sasi said:

L- oh my goodness I'm not surprised you are at rock bottom. I would be in pieces if I had to get that sort of feedback from some others. I agree we have to "own" our stuff but that just sounds brutal. While I'm not trying to belittle your boss etc just remember that everyone brings their own issues with them when they comment on others. Did the people know why they were doing your survey? Also is your type a personality amplifying the negative things said? I have to admit that as part of my professional development we have to do feedback forms from colleagues/ staff. I'm too scared to do this so far as I'm the boss so I'm sure my staff hate me as I have to take some unpopular and firm stances on things. I'm intrigued as to why your therapist wanted you to do the exercise. Maybe it was in case you are too harsh on yourself and others glowing reviews would prove otherwise but unfortunately the exercise has backfired. You are doing such a brave, open thing on your 2012 journey. I hope this doesnt derail you. Might be worth a chat with your therapist to slow down the process a bit so you can tackle things a bit( or a lot) more gently?? Complete change of subject. I'm on level 2 of shred. I' was meant to go to level 3 yesterday but it looks way too hard yet and just about surviving level 2 so plan is another week of level 2 then level 3 next weekend. 

Lightman said:

Sasi- your shred is going great, very impressed that you are keeping it up! What level are you doing?

Lightman said:

Rock bottom! As part of my therapy I had to do a self evaluation of my behavior, that was compared to the results of six people (boss, friends, assistant...) evaluations of me. I got the results this week. Let's just say, that the results was less than flattering. So this week has had lots of therapy and crying. Right now it just hurts, really hurts! My therapist told me that I need to own and process this and not try to run from it. So that is currently what I'm doing now! Even though it super sucks. By spending so much time in my own dd combined with my real world type A/ambitious drive... Apparently makes me somewhat of a self absorbed, uncooperative, selfish prat... This was very sobering, Don't get me wrong, I got some great feedback about my good sides too. Given that I have amazing friends who are always there for me and a great boss (who I have a great relationship to)... I obviously have something to offer! But the fact that I'm hurting and letting down people I love, is not acceptable! 30% takes this info to heart and change for life, but the majority don't... I don't have a choice.  Jules- I'm fighting the urge to stick my head in the sand... I know exactly what you mean! One of my friends told me that "your only job in this world is to be yourself, you are unique and special, and there is only one you in the entire world! You make my life better just being you, don't forget that you are amazing!"  Rox- I have no idea what the dream means. My best guess is a fear of losing control. My hairstyle is a layered, shoulder length cut and I've switched to idi bare minerals make up. I really can recommend it :)  Sasi- how is the shred going? My new mission is yoga, I've bought pocket yoga app and am eager to try it out. It is always good to sort out relationships, but before you cut friendship ties consider giving the person feedback and a chance to change. A lot of times people who behave badly have no idea that they do...  Otherwise march is a travel month for me,  both business and personal. I think the constant change of scenery is good for me right now. 

[sasi]

L-ok I understand better now.I was really worried about you and wanted to show my support.I think that it is a great thing to be able to look at yourself so honestly.I agree the only way to make change is to do that,although it can be painful.I would still say to take it slow though.Often deep psychological shifts can feel monumental and you need to be able to have them not undermine you completely.It sounds like you are managing well after the initial impact though.Truly inspirational!

[Lightman]

Sasi- thank you for your support and concern! One of the  key points in the feedback was that I need to slow down. I have a tendency to take to much on and rush things. A lot of the times it backfires and becomes counter productive.. And I don't feel like I'm doing well enough, that pushes me to DD. baby steps! I'm very grateful to share this 2012 journey with you all! It has it's ups and downs but at least we are trying. New theme song for march is stronger by Kelly Clarkson :) 

sasi said:

L-ok I understand better now.I was really worried about you and wanted to show my support.I think that it is a great thing to be able to look at yourself so honestly.I agree the only way to make change is to do that,although it can be painful.I would still say to take it slow though.Often deep psychological shifts can feel monumental and you need to be able to have them not undermine you completely.It sounds like you are managing well after the initial impact though.Truly inspirational!

[roxanne]

Light - I think you are amazing for taking that particular journey.  I really thought about whether I would want to know & decided I definitely would not.  Is their research data to suggest that this is more helpful than not?  I think maybe all that cold weather has made Swedes thicker-skinned than us north-eastern Americans.  How many people did you give this questionnaire to?  However, the idea that you are perfectionistic, take on too much and feel overly responsible does seem to square with what you present here.  (Not to add to the general piling on.)  But that is probably generally true of amazing people - always pushing themselves to do more & better.  There is often an upside to qualities we think of as disordered.

I have been having lots of medical symptoms - they were looking for kidney stones, but have now ruled that pretty much out - and don't know what it is.  I continue to have tests and feel pretty miserable.  Once again I have been so thankful for DD'ing.  Without it, I know I would be a wreck, but have just incorporated it into my DD's and managed to cope.  I have given up going totally gluten-free as I feel it cut down on my ability to zone into DD Land.  It did help pain, but I switched to pain killer - that gave me stomach ulcer - and now am on Tylenol for it.  Next test on Wed. - sounds really awful - wish me luck.

[Lightman]

hope you are feeling better Rox! You have me really worried :( as for the ulcers stay clear of the ASA and NSAID type painkillers. Did your symptoms start with your diet change? I'm really glad that DD is helping you cope with it all- one of the most important and hardest things to do when you are not feeling well is to keep your mind positive! It sounds like md is giving you an edge :) 
I gave the survey to six people (one of which, my former assistant that quit, in a very verbal loud way... Not kidding). The others; my boss, 2 colleagues, a friend (not one of my closest), and a very good friend's mom.  I purposefully didn't give the survey to my family or best friends. The survey doesn't measure how I think or feel. It just measures how others perceive my behavior. They've done a lot of research on it, a lot of big organizations use it. It is a good tool for modifying and tweaking how you interact with others. I really have faith in it! 
Otherwise the weekend has been good! I cooked with my mom, went for a walk in the woods with my dad and had a Revenge DVD marathon. That one was actually very helpful! No I'm not hunting down my ex assistant and torching her car! It was however very inspiring and helpful in other ways... I have felt sorry for myself and in ways  behaved like a victim ever since I got the results. My journey 2012 has lost momentum and motivation in march. Watching Emily Thorne in action...  I got some spark back! I control what choices I make and that determines the outcome I get. 1+1=2. 

roxanne said:

Light - I think you are amazing for taking that particular journey.  I really thought about whether I would want to know & decided I definitely would not.  Is their research data to suggest that this is more helpful than not?  I think maybe all that cold weather has made Swedes thicker-skinned than us north-eastern Americans.  How many people did you give this questionnaire to?  However, the idea that you are perfectionistic, take on too much and feel overly responsible does seem to square with what you present here.  (Not to add to the general piling on.)  But that is probably generally true of amazing people - always pushing themselves to do more & better.  There is often an upside to qualities we think of as disordered.

I have been having lots of medical symptoms - they were looking for kidney stones, but have now ruled that pretty much out - and don't know what it is.  I continue to have tests and feel pretty miserable.  Once again I have been so thankful for DD'ing.  Without it, I know I would be a wreck, but have just incorporated it into my DD's and managed to cope.  I have given up going totally gluten-free as I feel it cut down on my ability to zone into DD Land.  It did help pain, but I switched to pain killer - that gave me stomach ulcer - and now am on Tylenol for it.  Next test on Wed. - sounds really awful - wish me luck.

[roxanne]

Can you figure out who said what?  I can't imagine that there is not a little bit of envy going on here, as Sasi suggested.  But maybe, if this is a well-known tool, people take it really seriously.  Were there conflicting results?  

I feel like I am totally floundering now while waiting for more tests/ results/ etc.  Wed. is my last scheduled test & hopefully I can get back to some semblance of sanity at that time.