Being ME

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I do have asperger syndrome, and I still dream time to time. I feel this ripped up my relationship and social life. People feel I'm not in this world with them. Like they wonder what planet I'm from. So they can't relate with me almost at all. PLUS. I don't give them an impression that I'm a friendly, intelligent, and social person. So they think, "Weird, no friend to me," and walk off, or even criticize me. And then, they see signs of my MD behavior (grinning, talking to air, pacing, staring around the room, face-making), and avoid me at all costs. My MD realm seems to be so ideal, whereas in my real life, all areas of my life are problematic. People wonder why I act the way I do, WHY I can't get anything straight, and wonder where my head is.

I had very, very few true friends. I often think this is what prompted my MD, because nobody was around to relate with me on any level, care what I go through, and want me to be happier. I always went through life feeling like a total stranger. My family didn't know how to assist me, because I was extremely quiet. I just didn't express myself. I'm so afraid that I'll spend the rest of my time lost—having little contact with others, and speaking with imaginary people, instead of real ones—all because nobody can figure me out. 

[Martino]

Hello Jessica, I don't know if this can help but you should, as a starting point to deal with a some degree of harmony with MD, to concentrate to these few real friends that you have and cultivate their friendship by keeping in touch with them as much as possible. I got few friends too but those are very important to me and with them I talk, face to face or chatting, of various stuff, like what's happened during the day, everyday things or even silly stuff.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I live in a house with a family who talks about politics and economics every single day. There is no silly stuff. If I were with friends, we'd be talking about life in general. But my mom feels that my thoughts go towards me, and not the outside world. Like she puts these guilt trips on me that I shouldn't just think of myself. I agree, she's got a point. I've even me 20 years old who pointed this out. 

That's not totally true of me though, I do think of other people and ask how they are. Everyone has their own tastes and preferences, I guess. However, I feel that people criticize on things that I don't have, but should. 

[Martino]

They're talking about taxes, wars in Europe and Middle East or make Groenland great again? :D
Jokes aside, talking about politics and similar things can help, I suggest to explain what do you think about it, I do this with my father, sometimes we agree and sometimes not: it's always a way to exit for a moment from DD and discuss about real world, which always helps, and also a way to partecipate to everyday life in some degree.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I admit that I spent too much time on Planet Zuton, and for years, instead of being awake in life. I really regret it now, if I had paid attention and made good, ethical, grown-up decisions, I wouldn't have been in my rut situation these past 15 years. It's like a wake-up call for me. I am just starting a new job at a crown agency, and the training is so meticulous, acute, and informative I am nearly stunned. I used to study the arts at a city college, and I was sort of free-spirited in my 20's. 

When I did MD, it was an escapism that took me away to some utopian land, where your wishes come true, and everything is just miraculous. It filled me with warm and misty sensations concocted by my own mindset making me think things will be amazing down the road. When really, I was so very young, and had no real world experience to realize what I was thinking about. Then it all hit me like a brick wall in my 30's. I am still overcoming how difficult it is to be an adult. 

My mom does know about my daydreaming, and think she raised me soft and did too much for me. She's probably right. I wasn't a very responsible kid, and had it cushy. I think the real reason why I started to daydream is that I have a certain condition asperger syndrome that makes social situations and relationships extremely difficult. I simply did not fit in. 

[Martino]

First of all: is not your fault! Anyone has their own issues, me and you had the same issue that influenced our lives in a certain negative ways, it's about finding the right places from which start to overcome them, knowing that we have to deal with them for the rest of our lives.
My DD affect me in a very bad way in my relationships with other peoples; many have a very weird perception, if not bad, of my persona; but I no more never allow my past mistakes hook to them and to the moment I've don them!

Second of all: you should talk with your mother about it. I don't guarantee you that it works, but at least it will allow you to toss a weight.

Third a all: you have a job. I got my regular job at 31 y.o., now I'm starting to make my personal activity work (I'm a tour guide); it's never too late to go to the right binaries thanks to a job, may it be seasonal or everyday of the year.