I could've been someone

[Mils]

hiiii it's been a while

so lately I've been struggling with a lot of things, and then something hit me. If I didn't have MD for the majority of my life, I might've been able to achieve what I have dreamt of. Maybe if I didn't lose all those hours to it, I could've developed the social skills and intelligence to get what I wanted by now. I always dreamy of revenge of people who've hurt me, but I can't execute those plans now, I don't know I'm just writing stuff. It just hurts me to think I could've done so much more by now, I could've had friends who respect me, maybe learnt to move past my trauma to get healthier relationships, I could've been prettier and healthier -  had the time to put effort into myself and my appearance, I could've been normal. And that's what hits the hardest, because I've spent so much time dreaming, so much time trying and failing to get rid of it. It's not okay that I have this. I don't want this. I hate who I am now, I hate the thought that I could've been something more. I could've been something better than this. Due to my trauma I lost a lot of my childhood, then I lost more from MD, and now I finally have a break from it and I'm struggling to piece it all together. I cry every day, multiple times usually. I hate what my life has become. I feel broken, like I can't fix this. I can't, I'm sorry, I don't know how to fix all of this. And just when I thought I had the chance to get rid of my MD, I realized it's more than just spinning. It's music. Any music. Even driving in the car. Everything. I don't know how to get rid of it and I'm losing hope that I ever will. Is all my effort in vain, is nothing worth it anymore? Should I just give up and go back to MDing every day? If there's no hope, what am I even doing here. I could either cry every day and hate it all, or get lost in my daydreams, back to the way it used to be, back when I would do it morning, afternoon, and night. At least it will give me some comfort, some faint feeling of comfort, of a life I want where I don't spend all this time sitting in my shower or on my floor crying until my head hurts and I can barely breathe. I feel like I've lost it all and the only place I can talk about it is here, because I'm too ashamed to tell anyone about this. I'm a freak as it is, I don't need to make it worse. I'll never be normal, but dear god do I want to be. I'm sick of feeling like an outsider, like I'll never fit in, like people judge me. I want to go back to MD every day. I want that life back, where I'm accepted and loved and hated but that's okay because there I'm smart and pretty enough to get my revenge on them. To make them fear me. Because that's better than what I have now. 

I'm sorry for the long post. I don't know what to do, how to fix this, and right now I can't stop crying. Please I don't know what do anymore, does anyone have any idea how to help?? Please I feel like I'm losing my mind here, I feel like even if I do go on, I'll always be behind everyone else. So why not accept it and lose myself in it?

[lo]

The most important thing is to be aware, once we reach this stage we can progress. I would say not to put so much pressure on yourself, since regrets should teach us, not eat us away. Writing, breathing exercises, making a list of things you want to learn or be, and most importantly: being honest and patient with yourself - are some suggestions that may help.
Remember: nothing great is easy. You can do it! We are all trying here 🫂

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel like I daydreamed my 20's and 30's away. It took my attention away from things—friends, experiences, travel, learning, career, family etc. I thought it was a spiritual guide to a bright and happy future. Instead it lead to a lot of embarrassment, regret, and suffering. It made me learn not to continue doing this into my 40's and beyond. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I understand the feeling. I feel like I lost 25 years to daydreaming. If I had problems that I needed to work out, I could've followed people's valuable advice, and worked hard to become a better ME. Instead of daydreaming my head off and going absolutely. Lately, I feel a bit sad, because I lost out on life's opportunties although my youth. Such as socializing, and developing good friendships and relationships with people, getting experience, traveling, and trying out new challenges, and embracing life. 

I daydreamed because I felt socially cut out. I have Asperger syndrome, and it makes relationships extremely difficult, and it's deplorable on my career life as well. I won't communicate and interact properly. I got bullied for being so quiet...and not fitting in. 

I thought MD was a compass leading me over to things I wanted, when really, I might as well been drunk. Eventually my family and other people caught notice that I dream, which only made them just pissed. 
This in turn jilted my plans and goals to enjoy life. 

I feel like I fucked up without without even realizing it, or maybe the world flipped out when my mental health got exposed too much, which landed me further into problems. So now I wish that I didn't daydream at all—rather learn to solve my problems to the best of my ability. 

I want to start a fresh and do things right, whenever I get that chance again. 

[Mils]

thank you, that does help. I never really thought about that.

[John Alves]

This is the hardest part, you wake up from dreaming one day, and realize that you wasted time, and the more you dig, the more you realize how much time you wasted, but if it helps in any way, it would be much worse not to have the chance. to be awake.