I constantly freeze

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I stopped being active with maladaptive daydreaming years back. I have crucial responsibilities, try to stay away and concentrate, but notice that I suddenly wonder off and my eyes go dazed for a minute or so. This happens when I'm chill and during an stress-free time. Family and friends have made remarks that I look like my mind is somewhere else. I'm not sure though, it's more like I zone out. I'm trying to seek employment, but so afraid that when I start a new gig, someone will notice my eyes! Maybe even my frozen state. Unless the job is remote. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Or maybe they felt like I didn't like them...

[Jessica Ballantyne]

All my life, I had trouble reading emotions. I remember everybody's reactions towards me, and how they felt about my personal behavior around them. They even insinuated things and gave certain looks. I just didn't see this. I never realized my behavioural ways, even the most silent ones, were bothering them or pissing them off. Going forward 25 years, I now understand how I must've made them feel and think. Now that I stopped living in my head. I see that they found me socially abhorred, very weird, no manners, and unable to speak—not a normal social trait. They also found it hard to make out what I was saying. It was hard for me to explain myself, articulate things, and I kind of stuttered and rambled too fast, or mumbled things. All of this made relationships extremely difficult for me. I gave no social presence. I just looked like a very dumb and unfriendly looking person, who people quickly assumed had no friends. I even had trouble making eye contact, and my eyes would shoot in other paths. How I wanted to start daydreaming is that these very reasons was keeping me from obtaining long lasting relationships with others. They all got aggravated at the same thing. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I used to live in the past. I got over it, but it's like I didn't forgive, forget and accept what happened at first. I beat myself up too much. I didn't just let it go. 

When I was young, nobody knew what to make of me. They couldn't tell how smart I was, or who I was. I was a like this wall of silence. I pretended like nothing was wrong, and commenced with classes and activities. But everybody was gossiping about me and laughing at me. 

Problem is I didn't move on with it. I spent years hung up on my situation as a kid. I always wondered what they were thinking. What were they getting at, exactly. Did they like me one bit. Why did I bother them that much? 

More people did comment on me in the workplace, throughout college and into life. But nothing was being resolved. And I missed out on opportunities. 

Bottom line, I wish that I had more self-respect. I do now, but much time has passed. I just hope the future is better than what I faced before. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Now I'm cured. I learned my lessons. I understand what everyone was getting at. Thing is I need a lot of self improvement that I didn't do before. I did lose years to not understanding what I've done wrong, which is tough. My sister easily does things I never did in my 20's and 30's. But she doesn't have AS. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Nobody ever spoke English. Told me exactly what they thought of me, or explained how I looked. It was mean—they often made insinuations in a way they played head games with me. I could tell right off the bat. Real friends help their friends with their problems by describing what's emotionally wrong and giving examples. But I got literally manipulated, and depending on the person, sometimes their actions were quite sick. Shockingly, I could not tell what was going on around me, because I was innocent and I had no experience, and I didn't socialize. So I could tell who was a jerk. These people are in other parts living adult lives now. I've been jumping at shadows for some years. But I eventually got over this and now moving on. When I moved to this neighbourhood, I had faith that I can make good friends. I actually could've if I hadn't be so shy and quiet. I did make a very small group of friends. Point being, I wonder if these crowds I grew up around thought I was being abhorred intentionally. 

But there were teachers, co-workers, managers, customers, peers, people's parents, neighbour's etc. They reacted on me in a very certain way I wouldn't call positive. They had a lack of judgement towards me. Like I was the laugh of the place. 

Strangely enough, after I stopped being a student, and worked remotely at home, things got so quiet all of a sudden. I don't hear rude things from people anymore. I wonder if it's because at the time—I looked like a little kid at 19—now I'm 38. How many people are going to mess with a full grown adult like that? 

Maybe they simply didn't find me a social butterfly?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think that's why I don't sound and reason with things to my age level. Even my younger sister sounds mature socially, because she's out there, and knows what goes on in other parts. She makes me feel so ignorant. She found out about my MD ways, and she thinks I'm really weird. I can't say that I'm surprised. 

Another thing, I learned that the only way to find new friends is to get out of my comfort zone. I just stayed at home all the time, on my computer. My sister actually knows how to get out at night and socialize with people. She plays Dungeons and Dragons, eats out with someone. I could too, but I just don't want to. I honestly am not a night hawk. I prefer to watch TV and read my blogs. 

But I am a daytime person and enjoy doing things when there is light outside. I'm hoping to get flexible and try new things every weekend. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm introvert, and feel like I need to recharge when I get home from social activities. Whenever I do hang out with people in social situations, I'm happy to join in, but for some reason, I always happen to "turn off."  So they will think I'm either bored, uninterested, grumpy, or tired. I try my best to get a strong cup of coffee, or more, to get my buzzing and wanting to talk. I spend a lot of time on my computer, and there's no people around me. I only really socialize at the dinner table, really. 

I try and push myself to go out and pay attention to others over the weekends, mostly at meetups or family get-togethers. Let's be blunt, I'm weird, and love to spend time to myself reading, painting, listening to music, and surfing the internet. I'm not big on "groups." I'm an individual kind of individual. You don't see me with 10 people. You'll see me with at least one friend. I got that from my mother, she doesn't socialize either. 

That's why everybody made fun of me in high school and college. They didn't find me a very cool person who likes to party. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think I'm starting to step out of that world I once lived in. At the dinner table and other places, I notice I'm very quiet and have nothing to say for myself. Everybody else is chatting so normally, about politics and things, like they're actually in this world. It makes me feel so stupid. But it's like I spent years, and years, living in the head of Jessica. Suddenly I realize there's a world out there, and I wasn't there. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I could broaden my social life by leaving my cocoon more often. My dad told me this countless times. But I've been so tied with job searching. To be honest, I'm not very approachable. Ever since the pandemic broke out, I haven't seen that many faces, because I stopped working onsite. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

People comment on me all the time, when I'm on the scene. It's like I don't appear very reactive, and it worries them. They've never met anybody so quiet and reserved. I'm honestly not a very energetic person. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I don't express myself that much, and rest of them are outgoing and extravert. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

How do people react when you're at work or anywhere else, while you are in an MD state?