Fantasy Love Interest

[Khloé]

Hello everyone. I wanted to know if anyone could relate? It’s embarrassing to admit, I guess not in this space, but I have had an imaginary love interest for 6 years at this point… 6 freaking years. He is based on a character from a story I read, and I just tweaked him to make him my own. He has his own story and unique characteristics. He is biracial, his mom died a few years ago, he struggles in his mental health, he’s an only child with a businessman father who never knew how to give him the attention he needed, etc. He is not picture perfect, however, he is handsome to me and I daydream about him when I need compassion, empathy, or to be seen/heard, comfort, to be related to, etc. I have used him a lot to cope and I fear I could never be in a real relationship unless I let go of him.

Anyone else have a love interest or significant other in their daydream world?

[Source]

This kind of thing is... uncomfortably common, from what I've seen around here. I can relate, for one; my own constructed special other has existed in my mind as a persistent feature across many iterations, changing form according to the context and requirements of the dreamscape at any given moment, but always as a supporting character of sorts.

While this kind of imaginary presence undoubtedly serves a purpose (or else it wouldn't exist) I consider it extremely dangerous. You are practically guaranteed to project this person onto any potential partner you might meet in reality, basing your expectations of them on impossibly high standards tailored to this mythological figure in your head. No (wo)man can possibly outperform your personal band-aid god.

It can also get way worse than that, but I'm much too tired to open that particular can of worms right now.

[Khloé]

Yes, I understand that danger of it. Perhaps that can be one of the first things I start deconstructing. I have never dated before, and I’ve always been pretty quirky to people. It’s been speculated I have some form of ASD. It’s hard because I crave intimacy, not just romantically but platonically as well; however, I am not the best at socializing. I’d love to be a great partner one day, but it can feel like my trauma and mental health issues will always hold me back. That’s why I am here to learn how to overcome and know I’m not alone. If I continue to just create my own man, then I’ll never give a real man the time of day. That is definitely not healthy a will hold me back from enjoying something potentially special about being human. Thanks for the reminder and reality check. God knows MDers need reality checks.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Love interests for sure. I have a habit on crushing on every movie and book character I've read and seen. The crushes change every single year. Regardless for 2-3 years I had a fantasy love interest on a Charles Dickens character from A Christmas Carol. You're probably going to think I have weird taste in men. Scrooge. It's all because we both have things in common with each-other. We don't realize or are too selfish to understand how we hurt and effect other people, over our very own needs and ambitions. Don't ask me why. I saw the version with Alastair Sim, and it's his exaggerated, comedic portrayal that drew me in. All it takes is a person to have similar traits as me, and I could crush on them. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You know...fantasy love interests will never promise a real partner. I've had so many fantasy boyfriends—but no real ones. My sister is not like me, she doesn't daydream. She is outgoing and normal. Has been dating and seeing a few guys. Has even had serious relationship. She doesn't understand why the hell I fall into a daydream trance. If I told her what for, she's correct me on that. I am so jealous of her, because she's smart, can take care of herself, has people skills and she's no fool. She probably doesn't have my disability to connect with all sorts of people. She doesn't even see what it's like to have Asperger syndrome. I frickin hate her for it. Even my cousin has no trouble traveling and getting a girlfriend in another state. My point is, I have this compulsion to keep dreaming over something I could make real—if I can change my ways, but it never ceases to resolve itself. I'm concerned for the rest of my life, I'll just not be approaching and talking to people, bobbing around in a periphery and not making any friends.

[Divantha Ekanayake]

Hi Jessica, I'd say the best thing is to make a plan for your life and create some goals for yourself. That can provide you a structure in life. Also, if you have any mental health issues (Just saying because most folks, including myself, in this forum do) , it's better to go for treatments ASAP. 

There is no point in constant worrying. 

[Divantha Ekanayake]

Hi Khole, don't be embarrassed. I have had similar imaginary characters too. But they are not fixated, and their appearances and qualities change as my preferences change over time. 

So I think there are so my others who had/have been suffered with MD can relate to your story. Anyway, I think it's better to give up that character, because it's hard to appreciate real life when you are stuck in daydreams. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I was lured into fantasy romance for years. I believed I'd meet the love of my life someday. I felt that the music and sensations in my mind was guiding me. When really I was only influenced by music and film—not that it guarantee I'd meet Mr. right along the way. When I got much older, I was so disappointed and angry with myself. 

[Kyle C Monroe]

I have... so many characters.  It doesn't help that I'm a gamer and I can actually make viable versions of them over and over again.  But to speak more directly to this, I identify as Aegosexual (It's in the Asexual gray space, used to be Autochorissexuality) and basically means I'm not interested in anything sexual 'in the real', only in fantasy including for myself.  So as there is literally an identify for that and you are not alone even outside of MD (though it does make me wonder how many Aego are unidentified MD).

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm really not sure if I'm Aegosexual, although I do have problems connecting with real live people 'in the real.' However, I find it very worrisome, sexual fantasies are truly all I'll ever have. I've always wondered if there was a real live person out there, who I can connect and relate with on a sexual level. Trouble is whenever I came on the scene, not very many people liked me as a person, and some felt uncomfortable to be around me. I've always hated this reality—and that's why I was an MD'er to begin with. Humans are humans. They have senses. They know when something is "off" about a person. I put up with this all my life. It was like I was born to be an object of scrutiny. I do have high functioning Asperger syndrome. 

[Kyle C Monroe]

It's good to not underrate primal instincts but civilization is what it is because we choose not to act on those instincts and since we act civilized everyone is 'off'.  It's probably more your unsurety that actually keeps people at a distance.  If you can't be sure in yourself, how can they hope to?  Act confident, even if you don't feel it.  You don't need to be immodest or a prick about it, just show them you are fine with how you are (even if you aren't fully, I don't think anyone is).  Eventually that act will become reality and people will have solace in that the person they are dealing with won't be someone else tomorrow.  I'm an odd person but once I got okay with that, I found that most people I deal with daily are also okay with it.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Thanks for your advice, that will help me for sure.