Has going cold turkey MD'ing ruined my mind and making me depressed?

[Teresa 1515]

Nice to meet you all. 

Bit of background. I first noticed about MD a few years ago and found out I had been 'suffering' with it since the age of 5. Although in my early 20's I had a short while when I stopped, after a couple of years I was back on the day dreaming so I feel I have been doing this my whole life almost. 

Time has been a little tight recently and I have not been 'day dreaming' as often as usual.Or at all for at least 2 months. I have been feeling low, quite a scatter brain, not getting jobs done etc (That is without daydreaming!)and just basically feeling lost. Well, the other day  I came across my childhood home online, it had been up for sale but was taken down quite soon after. My parents sold up 2 years after I moved out in 2009, so it has been almost 12 years since being there. I don't know why but I completely lost all my sanity. I cried none stop for almost 2 days. I couldn't stop browsing the pictures, I even went on to google maps and looked up routes I used to walk and even my grandparents old house. I felt bitterness, jealousy towards the people who brought it off my parents & all these memories came flooding back to me. I must admit I have always had a sense of missing my childhood, but nothing like this. 

I think the day dreaming had been helping me come to terms with loosing people and just generally growing up that now I have stopped, I have hit a reality check and I miss life how it used to be. I try to be grateful for the life I have now, but I can't shake these feelings of regret, or stop crying at the happy memories I have. I just don't know what to do. I am guessing the easy route is to resume with the daydreaming, but I have a home to run and keep, other responsibilities I just can't go back. 

Any help and advice is greatly appreciated. Also, if I can help help any of you in any way please do get in touch. We are in this together!

Lots of love to you all. Teresa! xx

[Deep blue]

Do you miss the life you had as a child /young adult ? Are you sad because life was way better back then and now it's not as good? 

Sorry I asked this cause I could not clearly understand your situation : )

 

[Teresa 1515]

Hi Sakshee, 

Sorry, yes I was rambling a little. haha.

I guess I didn't know how much I missed my childhood, until I stopped with the daydreaming. My daydreams were mainly centred around being a child, if that makes sense? Now I am back in reality, it feels clear that I have all these attachments to my childhood which I didn't know I had, because the daydreaming I guess was masking them.?? I think that is the situation anyway.

So now, I have stopped with the daydreaming, I have all kinds of memories good&bad clouding my mind, where I just can't seem to let go or focus on today. So I feel I may as well be daydreaming my own made up fantasies rather than reminiscing on the past, have feelings of regrets, missing my relatives which I have lost etc. 

[Deep blue]

Hey Teresa : )

I'm so sorry for the loss of your loved ones. 

I too had this wish somewhere in my heart to go back in time. I have been daydreaming from a young age and now I feel sad about it. I wish I was a little more present in my life and had more fun back then. You get the chance to be a kid only once in your life. As you grow you become more mature and serious. New responsibilities start adding up and you cant afford to be carefree about life. I wish as a child I had been more present in the moment and tried new things out and pursued more hobbies. But no matter how much I wish I will never go back in time. I've wasted my childhood but there's nothing I can do about it now. So I've decided to let it go and make the most out of the years ahead. 

Also somewhere I still crave for my parents' love. They are very busy and hardly get any time to talk about general topics.  They are also not really good at expressing their love. So as a child I was kinda neglected. That's why I wish to be a kid again and get a little more pampered by them. Now that I've matured a bit, I understand that my parents have always loved me. They might not show it but they care a lot. Plus wanting parental attention 24/7 and wanting their lives to revolve around me is a bit selfish. They've got their own lives to live. So I've let it go and now I just try to love them more.

Maybe you too have some unresolved feelings from your childhood. You should try to write them down and find out what's really bothering you.

Or if this is happening because your past was more happy than your present, then you have to let go. No matter how badly you want to go back to the happy times, it will never happen. Don't waste the rest of your life being trapped in the past. There's no end to it. Young adults want to go back to childhood, middle aged think youth was so much better, and old people want to atleast go back to their 40s again and live life differently. And that's how people waste their entire lifetimes.

All you can do is try to make your present better so you wont have to miss your past.  I know it's easier said than done but there's no other way out.

And about the cold turkey thing... don't go too hard on yourself. If stopping at once is doing more harm than good then it's better to take it slow. Maybe try to restrict the hours of daydreaming. And after those hours are over come back and think about your present. Take steps to make it better little by little. As your present get more bearable, limiting your daydreams about past will get easier. I hope one day your present will be beautiful enough for you to let go your past.

Just don't go to either of the extremities . Don't get totally lost in daydreams but don't stop them abruptly either.

Hope you find happiness again. Wish you Luck !!

[Mary]

I had this experience too. We used to live in a rented flat in another country and moved back to our native place. Even now 11 years later, my sister and I still use Google maps to check up on that place. My mother doesn't like that place because it holds sad memories for her but that was the house we lived in most of our childhoods. I hate that place. Yet I can't help feeling sad and nostalgic when I recall it. It was the place that started the whole Md thing for me because the conditions there were bad and I was practically confined there alone with my mother for most of the day. I would only leave to go to school or shopping/park on the weekend with my parents. You can imagine what would happen to a then only-child who had to amuse themselves in 20 sq feet sized bedroom. So I have zero suggestions on wat to do right :) tbh, I'm doing fine here now. If it would make you feel better, go meet all the people who made up your childhood and catch up with them. A lot of feelings will change and this whole thing is a process of letting go. Many things won't go back to the way they were before and it's better to fill yourself with new and happier things. :) I hope I was of even a little use to you.