What if I don't know who I am anymore?

[Kris]

Hi,

hope you're having a great day.

I have a question - what do I do if I don't know who I am anymore? I'm kinda freaking out right now actually, sorry if I have bad grammar, BUT-

It's been a while since I had a time for myself but now it's summer and I have a lot of free time. I tried to keep myself busy, so I don't have much time for overthinking but I just had to end up here again eventually, rethinking my life choices and myself in general. I have a problem with selflove ar just self acceptance and I tried to work on that a little. The problem is that when I tried to think about myself I got a white sheet of paper, a blackhole, nearly nothing at all. I see myself but I can't say what I'm like. 

I feel like everything I am is just a mixture of my characters. My traits are not mine. I don't know what I wanna do, I don't know what I feel until I "turn" into one of my characters. Can anyone relate or am I going crazy? I'd be also really grateful for any advices.

Thank you for reading this, have a lovely rest of the day. ♥

[Jessica C]

I'm not exactly that way, but I do understand.  I hold on tight to who I am because sometimes I feel the urge to "turn into one of my characters" as you put it.  It's annoying because sometimes I feel that I am my characters, or that my characters are extensions of myself.  I'm not sure if any of that is true, but it is how I feel.  Still, who I am as a person is different from who they are.

My daughter, on the other hand, often says that she doesn't know who she is.  She says that at times she feels like a robot.  She's autistic and this is common for those on the spectrum.  While I'm not saying that this is what's going on with you, I thought I would give you the same advice I gave her.

You are who you are, even if you don't realize who that is, yet.  Look at what you're interested in.  That's part of who you are.  Look at how you feel about certain subjects.  That too is part of who you are.  The same goes for anything in life that you are attracted to or that you don't want anything to do with.

Not everyone has a word to label who they are and how they feel about themselves.  This is OK.  We don't need those labels.  What's important is how you feel inside.  Don't worry on figuring out what to call it or how to describe it.  Just enjoy being you, all of you, in any way that you happen to be.

I don't know if this will help you, Kristy, but I hope it gives you some sort of comfort.  *hugs*

[Kris]

Thank you so much for the answer and for the virtual hug.

Your daughter is really lucky to have a mum like you. I feel kinda numb right now but that's still better than before. I'll definitely save your advice for later when I'm able to think about it properly.

Thank you once again, it means a lot ♥

[Jessica C]

You're so welcome, hon.  If you ever want someone to talk to, feel free to DM me.  :)

While I know what it's like to feel numb, I'm the opposite usually.  I sometimes feel too much.

[Kris]

Thank you for answering, I'll try what you suggested. It sounds like you're getting better now if you already didn't stop MD, so I'll just say I'm happy for you.
Thank you again for your tip, I feel like it could actually help.

[Jessica C]

Some days seem better while other days I wonder what's up with me.  lol  I need a lot of help and am seeking a therapist.  My MD has kinda taken over some days.

[Cain]

I get what you mean here, Kristy. When I'm not daydreaming I don't have an identity. Just numb and empty. I derive my identity out of my feelings in my daydreams. I play roles trying to replicate how I behave in my daydreams. opinions, interests, preferences - All of these are derived from how I would react in my daydreams. 

So yeah, I can releate. We're both probably crazy. 

[Mary]

Everyone is made from multiple characters and experiences. People are very similar to each other. The only thing is they all have different ratios and mixtures. For eg, you could share the taste of your friend and your style from a dear family member, maybe your speech is from a character and the tone from another. We're all simply babies who copy things from the world we live in and project it back :)

[Mary]

Also, no one knows who they are, humans are constantly going through different phases and faces and thoughts and understanding. So how can you know about something that is continuously changing? I didn't know any spicy oats recipe two days ago. The next day I created one out of desperation for a snack and ate it twice. I can easily trounce that idiot from 2 days ago with that recipe. Heck, I can trounce that idiot who started writing this post. I kinda inspired myself while writing this hehe. So don't worry about your existence. You just are and I just am and we should leave it at that. And if you do wanna know who you are... idk? Keep a diary and track your phases? Just write one line per day. You know, one line diary. I surprisingly managed to make one in my school calendar back in 2015 (I was super surprised) and I have never been able to put in more than 2 entries in a normal diary and I always tore up those pages after writing them.