I am Lost: MD, weed and sadness

[Sally]

Hello,

First, thanks for this forum, it makes me feel less lonely when I read them. Thank you for existing. On the other side, I apologize for my English, I am from Latin America and I dont know english yet..

I am Sally. I am 25 years old, and being a MD has made my performance in my university studies very bad. I have not been able to graduate, and that is something that saddens me a lot. I think I've really been sad, depressed for a long time, I had my heart broken two years ago, that person was very cynical with me and my self-esteem fell back to the floor, sometimes I think things have got worse since then, during that sadness I started To smoke marijuana almost every day. The reality has seemed very difficult, very overwhelming, maybe that's why I smoke. I have realized that this illness makes me have very big dreams and with it problems of vocation. One day I am a very famous journalist, other days I am a writer, other days actress, besides I feel that I never work to reach my goals or dreams, for example I find it difficult to study a lot for my exams, for that reason I had to repeat my exams . This hurts me because the people around me do not know and do not understand what happens to me, so I have felt very bad for two years. I feel that during these two years the disease has increased, because every time I think I have less self will, because I have no self Willem to quit smoking or study. I studied law but I do not see myself in that job.

At my 25 years I have two fears: I do not find my vocation and I do not work to be the best in whatever it is that I dedicate myself to. And lastly, I do not experience love, first love for myself, and then for another.

With the latter I would also like to be able to ask all of you how you live love and vocation as MDs.

Hugs and blessings.

[MatthewR]

Hello, Sally. My experiences at university were similar to yours. I also felt depressed and anxious, and I procrastinated a lot. Our daydreams give us a false sense of what we want and who we really are. We imagine only the ideal versions of ourselves. It's like we are stuck playing make-believe as children, constantly pretending to be one thing and then another, but never committing to anything. It's the same in love. I agree with you. I've never really experienced love, because i'm way too self-conscious. I'm only focused on myself and not on the other person. I think the problem is what you mentioned at the end, that we don't really have a love for ourselves. We escape the inferior, flawed parts of us and prefer to daydream, because it's easier than actually living and possibly facing rejection. I'm still struggling with this. It seems silly, I know, but it's a difficult habit to break. Good luck to you in school! 

P.S. What is the clip you posted?

[Sally]

Hi MatthewR

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I have procrastinated during my university period. It is uncontrollable. I have an exam the other week, and I have not been able to study, I have not even taken the books. This is the last exam I need to be able to graduate. I have repeated it many times.

. Today I felt very sad about it, I even cried and I locked myself back in my room. It causes me anxiety. I suffer from depression and ADD. I want to ask you, how do you remove the block so you can start studying? How do you keep the attention?

Thanks again.

PS I took the 9gag video and it reminds me a lot of Herbert Spencer's theory of evolution.

I recently started a blog, you can visit it, although you must translate it into Spanish, I am from South America: https://monkshousesite.wordpress.com/

[Alan D.]

I relate a lot to your experiences and struggles you described with your schoolwork at the university. It's been multiple years now since I've been in school, but when I was studying in college I would spend hours at my computer staring off into space or mindlessly surfing the internet instead of studying. It really frustrated me that I couldn't get anything done. 

I wish I could say that I figured out the secret to being successful in college but I didn't. All I can say is I've figured out there are lots of people that didn't graduate college that could still find meaningful careers. Know that you aren't alone in your struggles and it helped me to hear from someone else who has been through some similar experiences. 

Also, for someone who isn't a native English speaker your writing is wayyyyy better than my Spanish so kudos to you!

[Whitney]

I never thought of it that way MatthewR., but it is like we are children playing make-believe, feeding ourselves fairytales to try to make sense of the world and make it a less scary/overwhelming place. I also agree with AlanD. regarding being able to find meaningful careers without finishing school. I think the key is sitting down with yourself and really thinking about what you like doing and reading up on different careers. Life isn't like what plays out in your DDs. It's far more complex, requires substantial effort, and isn't always clear.

Like you, I've struggled in school and finding motivation to study let alone finish it. Part of it has to do with choosing a career someone else chose for me, not knowing what I wanted to do, and MDD. I also have discovered that I have had a problem with mild depression and anxiety as it has become more severe in the last few weeks. This summer, I retook a course while going through all these issues. I didn't think I'd make it, but I did and ended up with an A-!

The key for me was studying despite the overwhelming anxiety and depression I felt and it actually ended up lessening the symptoms as I fully focused on studying! What I did was go to a neutral room with no distractions and ended up reading out loud and asking myself questions out loud to make sure I understood the information (it also helped to block all the noise in my head). At times I felt frustrated, ended up in crying fits, and wanted to give up. But I kept at it till I exhausted myself every night and told myself that even if I failed it didn't matter as long as I tried and that it didn't mean my life would be over. I've battled with that in the past, thinking I'd be nothing without school and where I would end up. I keep reminding myself that life is what you make it and you create the meaning not society or someone else.

What has also helped in the past regarding school is studying in the library (or a public place) and having friends/classmates that motivate me. I've actually struggled with school during the past two years more so than before because I isolated myself from friends, classmates, teachers which made me less accountable and less ashamed of failing. I find that with family I'm less accountable because they know me and I can get away with more. Outside people are less forgiving/understanding - which makes me try harder. I know that may not be a good way to look at it but that's what has helped me in the past and that's what I plan on attempting right now.

Regarding weed, it's just another form of you escaping from reality and yourself. Lower your dosage every day and begin to process what you feel and more importantly why. Try to be objective. Write it down, talk about it, share it with others because it might help in figuring things out. Think about what you want and what makes you happy. It won't always be clear and maybe forever changing, but that's okay! Life isn't black and white.

I know it's going to be hard (studying and lowering your weed intake) but it's worth it because you're worth it and life can be as extraordinary as a DD or better because it's real!

[Sally]

Hi, thank you all for your experiences.

Whitney, I appreciate your words. But I must tell you that I failed again on the exam. I must present it the other week again. These years have been very difficult, sometimes I think that life is asking me to renounce my dreams, I have believed all this time that I have talent to write, and that is why I see myself as a journalist or writer, but You're right Whitney, dreams require a lot of effort and clarity. On the other hand, I am very afraid, that I must accept, that being a writer and journalist, are those things that are only in my imagination and that I really do not have talent, that is, that being a journalist and writer are so alone Ideals of my mind. The last few months I have dreamed of all the things that I could do when I graduate, I do not know if I continue to study or get a job related to my career. I sometimes think that if I decide to get a job, it's something almost like giving up my dreams. During these last months also, I have stopped dreaming of my parallel characters, and I have dedicated myself to dreaming of possible outings to this problem of vocation. In fact, whitney, I went through something very similar to you, I chose a career Because I wanted to see my parents happy, and today I regret it for that.

When I was in school, I was a very good student, that ended up in the university. It may have been illness and, on the other hand, a lack of vocation. I have many plans in my head, sometimes I would like to go abroad, to study English and French, because I like languages ​​very much, or I do not know if to start a master's degree in journalism, I do not know if to enter to study a university career of Fillology and languages.

I have also heard, that suffering from maladaptive Daydreaming, has to do with an issue that could not be clarified or accepted, I have doubts with my vocation, and I think that may be that. I do not know.

Life is difficult, I have cried every day for this. It is awful.

I greatly appreciate that I can read them.

Thanks for your advice, the library is always good advice.

[Whitney]

I'm sorry to read about your exam Sally. Have you ever thought about taking a break from school in order to work on your depression and other issues? When I was researching college students dealing with depression/anxiety, many said that taking a break to deal with themselves was one of the greatest decisions they ever made. It helped them get the help they needed (focus on that solely) and they were able to reevaluate.

I know what you mean about work. When I think about quitting school and just working, it makes me feel like a failure and like it's the end of the world. But this is the negative thoughts and depressed mind speaking. Work can also have the ability to put things into perspective, relight the fire in your studies, provide distraction/confidence/social interactions, and help you figure things out.

Life is difficult, but it is also your creation. I know it's easier said than done (trust me, I battle myself every day) but most of it has to do with how you look at things. If you tilt your head one way rather than the other, you might get a different view. That's what we also do in our DDs when experiencing different/same emotions/scenarios through different/same characters.

I wish you luck. Don't give up. Breathe and try to look at things from a different angle. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.

                                                                 -Whitney