Very uncomfortable question for me, but ive got to put it out there.

[scooby]

So I signed up this week to this site, but now im starting to be unsure wether i have MD and am going bk to i must just be f**cked up!

I really, really want MD to be the name of what im doing .

The reason im questioning why i have MD is after reading others experinces ive found things that i dont MD and stuff others do that i don't. I'll try go through them all, but like i said very embaressing stuff.

 

My DD's are ALWAYS about being rescued and looked after usually from myself and turn sexual.

For example: Attempting suicide, running away, harming (basically being in emotinal termoil) then someone finding me and stopping me by force. Then being nurtured and taken care of. In the past the persons been a male and the DD's its turned into a boyfriend girlfriend realastionship. But since finding a real boyfriend there usually female motherly figures, no sexual sceanrios come from these ones.

 

The more embarressing ones involved being s.attacked, then rescued. I come out of these ones feeling ive sexually abused myself...

 

*big breath* :)

 

I feel so much shame from this, specially since i havnt had sex with my partner in a very very long time due to flashbacks from past abuse that happens when im having sex him. But still like once a week i go into DD world and end up doing this to myself!

 

Now, things that do match up I have lost days doing this, i act out, i DD about being a singer and being discovered, i become abit obssesed with my charicters, i prefer DDing to  real life and im very self aware and have high anxiety in public.

I dont know if i cant find these same experinces because there to embaressing for other to mention or if it just isnt the same thing.

 

Anyone on else DD the same way as me??

 

P.S Sorry my post is so long and  messy.

[scooby]

Oh, and i've tried stopping but then do it without realizing.

x

[Nomad]

Thanks for posting, Scooby. You're very brave.

 

You're right that our daydreams differ. However, as I've read through other people's posts, I've noticed that we all seem to dream about what we need. A lot of us have kinky sex stuff mixed up in it, including me. I haven't tried this site yet, but it supposedly deals with those issues http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MaladaptiveDaydreamers18plus

 

You're also not the only person on this forum who is struggling to define what MD is. Although many of us have dealt with this thing for years--some of us for decades--the whole idea of MD is new, so we and the professionals who are studying it don't really know what we're talking about yet. I've formed some strong opinions since I've joined this forum, and sometimes I feel defensive when people disagree with me. But then I remember that the person I'm disagreeing with may be talking about something different from what I'm talking about, even though we're both calling it MD.

 

For me, "maladaptive" refers to daydreams that hurt me. I don't believe that all of my imaginative excursions hurt me, so when I talk about MD, I'm not talking about everything, if that makes sense. I'm talking about the ones that hurt. It's not just a matter of me being ashamed or embarrassed--it's a matter of genuine harm. These harmful dreams feel good, but over the long term they don't merely keep me from my life, they sour me on it. They stoke the flames of self-hatred. And I can't control my compulsive urge to keep dreaming them (although I've recently gained what I would call "choice" rather than "control"). I identify with anyone who shares these experiences, even if that person's daydreams look nothing like mine. So that's my def, for what it's worth.

 

I hope I'm not being presumptuous here, but I think I speak for everyone when I say if you want to be in the MD club, you're welcome. It's not an exclusive club, and it sounds like you fit right in :)

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

First of all, don't be embarrassed.  I hope it helps to get it out.  I'm sure we've all daydreamed things we've found embarrassing from time to time.  Just because we don't share it all doesn't mean we're not going through it.  Many people are very shy about sharing things.  Just because you haven't seen those specific daydream scenarios here doesn't mean you don't have MD.  Remember, a previous doctor who studied MD, Dr. Somer, thought that it was all a result of trauma.  Imagine the crazy stories his participants must have shared with him.  I'm sure Cynthia's heard some wild stories, too.  We've since learned that it's not always caused by trauma, but that doesn't mean it isn't for some people.  Your fantasies sounds pretty normal to me.  I've dreamed some really crazy scenarios, too.  I don't necessarily want to share them all, but that doesn't mean they're not effed up.  Our MD is what we need it to be.  Sometimes we need to feel rescued, so we create scenarios to be rescued from.  

Plus, think of all the effed up movies there are out there.  Someone had to think up all those crazy scenarios.  Some of them are seriously screwed up, yet we appreciate them as art.  I think it's pretty normal for the mind to go to a dark place now and then.  Some minds make a good living off that.  Please don't judge yourself too much.  

[Liza]

Hi

Thanks for your post! yes my dd are sometimes sexually violent, which is something i don't understand AT ALL becuase i've never been abused, mistreated, or anything like that... On days when i get absorbed in those daydreams then i come out of it feeling traumatised and in a haze, like i completely lost myself, and there is a lot of self-loathing and disgust at myself for thinking such crazy stuff... i don't have answers, but i just wanted to say i can relate!

 

PS i do also have daydreams with more 'normal' content, if normal is a word i can use to describe this  bizarre condition...

 

Hugs

[scooby]

Thank you people. I'm looking for ansewrs. I dont know if id actually put them to action properly if i new them if you know what i mean.
Just to see if their are others, and determine wether i have MD or not. I guess its also good to blow it open put it out there and give others the olive branch to do the same or perhaps find this site.
The shame that has come from it has often resulted in s.harming, or feeling worsing an kinda indirectly adding to my reasons for suicide.

Any ideas of how to try explain all this ^^^^^ to my counceller with minimal embarresment?

She took the approach that MD is a very positive ability to have, and that its an amazingly reasourcful coping mechanisum that we have. Although it may have been helpful to me when i was young and no doudt its how wonderful things have been made by people, its extreamly negative to me. I cant remember the last time, if ever i came out a DD feeling better than when i went in. Sometimes I feel my most damaging DD's are not actually the violant ones, (co'z if i can get over the shame and iky feeling it gives me then it would be much easier to cope) there the more day to day ones. Im constantly in counselling with myself everyday, but not getting anywhere like im chasing my tail. My virtual Councellers dont really know the answers, there comforting and understanding, although i dont come out of them comforteded or understood, just really, really empty. In the end there still made from my mind, and i sure as hell dont know what to think or do half the time.

Im thinking maybe i should start a blogg, as this is kinda lokking quite bloggy. Ive never kept up one when ive done it before thou. Like never got passed two posts :P ...... *sigh*

I guess your all right about DDing what we need. I met a bloke a few years ago who found out my problems and was really, really supportive. Like a friken... just, was like i actually thought him up. Our relationship was much like ones in my dd's and for that short period that we were to together i cut my dding down alot.

I wonder thou when other ppls sexual DD's started?
With me i would say they were very young, and it makes me think how was this something i was needed at such young age.

Also how do you gauge when your DDing started?
At the moment im saying it started when i was a teen as dont feel i can call it normal play from then on as i would of thought i would of be growing out of it.

The differance between usual childhood imaginary play and DDing?

[scooby]

Sorry computer wont let me edit. *I'm NOT really looking for answers just more insight*

[scooby]

All true! They do very much depend on my current mood too, never noticed that. And if you ruminate you feel worse and then have more to ruminate on.

Yeah, lol. Thought of changing my pic after i wrote out this post, but then thought anyone that would come across it would also probably be suffering with the same problems, so there'd be unlikely to mention anything. Also i live in the uk, it makes me feel a little safer somehow. May still change my profile pic thou...