I'M SO F***ING FED UP WITH MDD AND LONELINESS... IS ANYONE ELSE?

[eternally a child]

Im tired of this problem/habbit/disorder taking over my life and destroying me and taking my life away from me , but its a mistake i make 10,000 times a day. I make it often because if I face reality I face all of my faults and face the fact that Im alone and have no one. But it also means I have to be strong and face my fears or come to terms with my life . Life requires work and dealing with people and if  I let go of my MDD - this fucking curse - then I have to get hurt in the real world. I cant tell if I forgot how to be human or be a friend or if i was ever meant to be a friend lover or someone that meant something to someone anywhere. I havent established real connections with people IRL and when i do I fail miserably and I am like a piece of dispossable trash - because I have subjected myself to few-but not very good people. Its like im frozen in time.

Since i have no real social life i have to resort to FWB and that whole ridiculous scenario. And I recently met someone who i was afraid to meet because i thought they would be a douche IRL but of course after  meeting them and thinking they were ok,  because of my MDD i idealized the person and went against my better judgment and made a fool of myself for a jerk yet again. We were both jerks to eachother but some of what he did was uncalled for. The insane part is that i STILL idealize him in my head or have the ''shoulda coulda woulda'' convos about him in my head. I look at his picture and I kick myself in the ass for ruining it or not doing it diffrently that night. im kicking myself in the ass for ruining it - it being a FWB/ friendship with a hot guy whos my age. Ruining a chance to talk to someone besides the people in my head. messing up feeling like a ''normal'' woman. If i dont MDD i feel sick, if i do I AM STILL SICK . i cant fucking take this anymore.

so many oprotunities wasted

so much time wasted

mdd Is like being in a haze that has robbed me of my life.

I HATE THIS PROBLEM

[Aquarius]

I just stopped short of congratulating this guy on his recent success because I'm worried that would once again lead him to making drunken calls to me,  in some of which he lashed out at me. I've kept a rule for myself - that if he contacts or call then its ok, but there will be no initiative at my end.

I have a history of putting up with emotionally abusive people, so I'm worried that I might get stuck in the same cycle again, all because I want some attention.

But then I think, I just want to congratulate someone 'cause I am happy for them. Why I do have to overthink this