What helps?

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

Now that we've had some time to think about this & discuss it, let's start creating a plan to help.  Let's try and make a list that we can refer to & refer others to.  Here's my question:

What helps? 

Not just what helps you stop daydreaming.  This is a condition we need to learn to live with. 

What helps in any way possible?  Interpret that in every way possible, and be as specific as possible. 

Some ways you can think of it:

What helps make your life better?

What helps you feel like you’re living a more fulfilling life?

What helps you feel like you’re in control?

What helps you daydream less & what helps you daydream more?

What makes your daydreams more productive?

What makes your daydreams feel less productive?

When do you leave your daydreams feeling better & more charged?

What makes them leave you feeling more sluggish?

What helps you feel stronger?

What helps you feel safer?

What helps you feel more confident?

Let’s act like we’re compiling a list of things to tell new people who’re just figuring out they’re going through this & are not sure what to do.  What advice would you give them to help them feel more empowered?

[Emma]

Hi Lulu,  First off, if English is not your native language, then your linguistic achievements should certainly be on the list of awesome things you've done.  You sound like a native in your post.

Second, it's been almost a month since you posted that so I was wondering how it is going for you.  Can you tell more about the details of how you started to get more control over the MD and how you got it out of your chest?  After you write about your achievements, what did you do to carry those feelings over into your life?  Did it help?  I hope you are doing well.

lulu ab said:

I am a new member (20 minutes new) and it has been only 2 days since I sincerely recognized my situation and been reading this website since. I have been in a "zombie state" for last few months and couldn't function-sometimes I forget to breathe-  until I found this website. 

For me, the first step to have a little bit of control over MD was recognizing it and second step is getting it out of my chest.That really helped me to remember I am a person in the world. First of all I figured out I am not a stupid, weak looser that I thought I was all my life.

I have been thinking and analyzing for last couple of days all these questions(why-when etc)  and -though I have thousands of things to tell about it- I will just say I started looking back trying to satisfy my emotions by finding the good things I did with my life. Even little achievements count. I am trying to build an ego that loves me, appreciates me, almost thinks how cool I am. I don't think I will turn to a  cocky person as my ego was far below normal anyway. So my first challenge to stop it is writing down my achievements and trying to create  the feelings of my MD world in the real world. I hope that goes well

ps. English is not my native language-apologies for wrong words/sentences 

[Emma]

Yes this is true, and sometimes I think it all comes down to self-discipline.  The problem I'm having now is that I don't know what to be busy and intellectually occupied with.  I have several hobbies, and I spent most of the last several years trying to arrange my life so that I have more time to spend doing the things I really want to do.  Now I'm in a place where I can.  I have a lot of time to spend on the things that I thought were important to me- to be creative and intellectually stimulated.  Turns out, I'm also just no good at anything.  I've never been good at anything, and so all I do is just go through the motions.  It's frustrating, and easier to just stay in bed and daydream about people who are good at things.  Plus life keeps happening, and bad stuff happens that really is bad and there is no silver lining and no way around it.  The daydreams are so much easier to feel than that.

Tulpa461 said:

Present moment meditation helps.  Being busy and intellectually occupied helps.  Having a consistent creative outlet helps.

Doing for others helps.  When it gets to be too much it's better not to be alone.

[Emma]

Wow Lulu,  First off I'm happy for you that you have found the core of some of your difficulties and a successful way to address them.  Inspirational.  The taking account of your accomplishments sounds really healthy.  This is a simple idea, but it seems like a really useful thing to do.  Part of my problem is that I take account of what I've achieved, but then I reduce it by thinking of what I could've done better or also thinking of what I failed at.  But as for messing up, the past is the past and there is no reason to dwell on it.  As for what I failed at despite genuinely trying, well that's a part of life.  So it sounds nice to think of achievements by themselves and just be happy for them.  I need to work on gratitude also as well as being proud of myself.  For me, I think making a list of things I'm grateful for might be even better.  So thank you for that idea.  

As for your drawing- yes that is really impressive.  I love that you are working at it as a process and not worrying yourself over the results your getting in the short term.  You are right.  You will get better if you keep practicing, and you will learn more as you go.  And anyway, it is the process that matters.  I should write that out and post-it note it to my head.  lol

lulu ab said:

Thanks Emma, I have been living in UK for a while now, it is nice to hear that I sound native at last :)

Getting it out of my chest was admitting it to myself and having the courage to sign in here and write it down. I haven't told it to anyone from family/friends and I don't want to. When I was a child I thought everybody was like me. It took me long time to understand I was a bit strange and I was the one who couldn't keep  my friends. Then I started to think I was a strange creature, learned to keep my strange personality inside and showed the others a normal side of me. I just thought that was happening cos I was a weak person and couldn't cope with anything that happened to me. But last month I figured it out, yeah I am 30 + years old now and finally I figured it out :) To be honest I still wouldn't if I didn't have to search for learning difficulties for my stepson. I have been living all my life with a certain level of physical pain,severe migraine, always been a sick person,having the muscle tone of a jelly fish and loads of allergies etc. Been to dozens of doctors no one could understand it. Then I learned about a learning difficulty called dyspraxia and couldn't believe how it suits every problem I ever had. One of the symptoms is zoning out, having too much day dreams, speech problems ( I have a problem with "s" and sometimes people don't understand me) though I am sh..hot with grammar. When I found out about dysprexia I had that amazing  feeling like I have been enlightened, figured out every step of  every problem in my head. I am not joking when I realized that it is not my fault, I put the music on and made my puppet style dance :)

Sorry for the long post, now I can answer your questions.Its been weeks since I started mood stabilizer (lamotrigine) and I am much better. My head is clear and not fuzzy as it was before. They reduce the amount of daydreaming automatically or at least I can catch my self dd ing and stop it immediately which was impossible before the tablets. I am still waiting for my appointment with specialist to discuss dysprexia, I will post it here if they change my medication. I still believe the first thing to do in order to control MD is accepting that is happening and it is happening for some biological reasons and embrace being a wonderful freak :) By the way, I don't mean every body has to have some special learning difficulties, your reasons might be completely different. 

About writing my achievement question, I sat down and thought about everything I did solely with my own effort despite the circumstances around me-even though they didn't feel like achievements at that time-and I simply thanked my self. I don't want to sound like an out fashion hippy but I truly thanked my self and loved my self  for being who I am and forgave my self for the stupid things I have done. With the help of my tablets I guess, I could manage to replace my sad DD s with happy ones. I know I will never give up DD ing so I am just happy I can control them, replace them with the new ones, stop and start them whenever I want. I really pushed my self very hard to start my drawings and paintings again. It took me few weeks to move and do it efficiently, but I am doing it now and telling my self I did it, I am doing it cos I wanted to and cos I CAN :) So every bad drawing I make goes to bin and I am pushing my self to feel that it is a part of the process and if I keep DDing to be successful instead of working towards it I will never complete this process. So I start drawing again and that feeling I have when I finish a drawing and like it (after some bad trials) , that what keeps me going on, that's how I deal with it.

Emma said:

Hi Lulu,  First off, if English is not your native language, then your linguistic achievements should certainly be on the list of awesome things you've done.  You sound like a native in your post.

Second, it's been almost a month since you posted that so I was wondering how it is going for you.  Can you tell more about the details of how you started to get more control over the MD and how you got it out of your chest?  After you write about your achievements, what did you do to carry those feelings over into your life?  Did it help?  I hope you are doing well.

[Emma]

Thanks again, that really was an inspirational story.  I really appreciate you sharing it.  It's interesting especially to me that you had (at least at one point) a career that most people could not achieve in being an engineer.  I've had a similar career.  Also you have a supportive husband, and so do I.  One of the things I did to myself for many years was be angry with myself that I could not simply be happy with my career and happy marriage.  For most people, this is enough for them.  Why do I have this feeling that there is more I want to do?  So when my career also started to become very stressful and difficult, I carved out a place for myself in life where I could instead focus my time on things I thought I really wanted to do.  But once I had the time to do them, it just sort of freaked me out I guess.  Plus some really awful things happened in life that were out of my control (chronic illnesses of loved ones and death of loved ones plus my own illness which is better now) which ate up most of my time for a long time.  So I haven't really spent any time trying to get better at my own pursuits and have in fact lost interest in my hobbies too.  So now I feel like I'm left with nothing at all.  I do feel better and daydream less when I actually stay busy, but it's been pretty hard to do that.  For one thing, I can't focus and it is just so easy to slip into my daydream and feel satisfied.  

Do you daydream when you are painting?  When you said you spent some time in a vegetative state just DDing all day (which is basically what I'm doing right now), what pulled you out of it?  I've never been diagnosed with anything and don't have medication to pull me out of it, and really I don't think I need that although maybe that is denial.

For me, I think part of it is going to be the acceptance that I'll probably never be very good at the things I'm trying to do but that there isn't anything else that I'm capable of doing well anyway plus I don't owe it to anyone to do anything different.  So it's the process and the practice that matters, regardless of the results.  I think if I could make peace with that, it would stop seeming so overwhelming.

You have been extremely helpful Lulu.  You sound like an amazing person, and I really appreciate you taking your time to come here and talk about this.  How are your daydreams now?

lulu ab said:

When you said "turns out I am not good at anything" I know that speech very very well.That was the summary of my life until last year. I am the living proof of that is just not true. I will share this little story of mine just to encourage ppl here cos I know this feeling so well. I am thankful to ppl here for  sharing all these info and I owe to help.

Since I know my self I wanted to be a dancer/singer/artist. I could kill for it. Then one day in the school we had auditions for a dancing club. I was the literally the ONLY  child who wasn't chosen.  I was 11 and I learned I had no gross-motor skills what so ever. ( which is called dyrprexia-muscle development disorder- as I found out last month and how I wish I was diagnosed as a child so I could just accept the facts instead of feeling ashamed) Then I thought, well I can still draw and be an artist. At the age of 13 I desperately wanted to go to special art school. I cried for months to go to auditions. My parents took me in front of them and told me that I was just dreaming cos my drawings were not even close to be good plus all the artists were basically broke anyway and I was good at maths so i should try to be an engineer or architect.  So I was told and learned that I had no skills for anything. I stopped drawing but never could stop dreaming about it. I became an engineer. I worked as an engineer. Thats what I was supposed to do but that dreams never left me. My friends were having children buying houses I was still dreaming of being some other person with a miracle and feeling more and more weird. About 6-7 yeaars ago I started painting in the nights after work . I couldn't afford any art classes, did't have internet connection. I made some horrible paintings all ended up in the bin. At the end because of some terrible reasons I had to come to UK. For 3 years I cried and cried for what happened to me. I couldn't find any jobs here cos I was an immigrant, no one even called for an interview. So I started drawing again to get through the day with some help of mood stabilizers. My husband kept telling me how great I was even when I drew absolute rubbish and supported me to apply for art school. And I worked so so so hard on my drawings for months and I managed to make a portfolio. Here I am accepted to an art degree for a wonderful design course and hoping to start this September. How much I owe my husband for doing this to me. After I was accepted to school some other terrible things happened ( yeah that things always happen to us for some reason) and my GP had stopped my tablets at the same time. So I was living a vegetable life until last month just DDing all day even though I had accomplished something great I just couldn't see it that way. Now I am using my tablets again and I can look back and say wowwww to my self. I am sure there is something you CAN do,you just haven't put enough effort on it. I painted and painted and put it all in the bin for years. Now I am a lot better at it. What ever it is, you just need to find it and hold on to it and according to me do it AFTER you sort your severe DDing problem. It just simply stops the life.

Emma said:

Yes this is true, and sometimes I think it all comes down to self-discipline.  The problem I'm having now is that I don't know what to be busy and intellectually occupied with.  I have several hobbies, and I spent most of the last several years trying to arrange my life so that I have more time to spend doing the things I really want to do.  Now I'm in a place where I can.  I have a lot of time to spend on the things that I thought were important to me- to be creative and intellectually stimulated.  Turns out, I'm also just no good at anything.  I've never been good at anything, and so all I do is just go through the motions.  It's frustrating, and easier to just stay in bed and daydream about people who are good at things.  Plus life keeps happening, and bad stuff happens that really is bad and there is no silver lining and no way around it.  The daydreams are so much easier to feel than that.

[Wendy Rose]

the only thing that really helps me is prayer. when i take all the things i long for and all the things i am unhappy with and all the needs i have and tell God and feel that He is listening, then my life is balanced and doable. this is how i have stayed out of MDD most of my life. i have periods of DD followed by taking what i learned about myself, my needs and feelings from those day dreams to God. All the safety and love and caring and comfort and acceptance I NEED so much in reality I find in God most of the time. BUT in times like now when the pain is too great, I push God away and stay in the DD mode. most of my life i find that people are amazed at how well i know and accept myself and how i can help them unravel their emotions. i have even recommended day dreaming to people to help them sort out their own hidden feelings and wants and desires. it just seems most people never connect with that part of themselves. they live more 'normal well adjusted lives' but they live them in quite desperation while they follow all the rules. i hate the rules. i want to live, really live. and at times like this when my MDD is out of control I know this is not what I really want, i just can't cope right now with this much emotional pain, personal rejection and aloneness. I dont want to lose the ability to choose to day dream or not. i love having it as an option but now it seems out of control. i know my imagination is a gift from God but like all his gifts it can be used for good or hurt.

now that i have an income without a job, things are worse. i was volunteering 20 plus hours a week somewhere but then i started to feel resentful that my own needs were not being met and have taken a break from it. i plan to go back, i think. i hope i will because if i dont ... yikes.

what helps me most:

1. prayer / journaling
2. caring about what others need and taking the time to meet those needs, because i am good at it and no one else will.
3. not giving myself too much time to isolate
4. staring straight into the belly of the beast, that is my real life and my real self and choosing to be ok with it.
5. finding a safe person to talk to. more difficult than i could imagine and rare to find but it does happen now and then and taking people up on it is not easy but when i do, every decade or so... it does help.
6. Caring that i am wasting my life. i can often jerk myself out of my day dream world when the pain of wasting my life overcomes the emotional pain that sent me to it.

these are the things that help me the most. things that have allowed me to go weeks at a time without day dreaming and even months. i am not doing any of the helpful things right now. it just seems i have lived through the perfect storm recently of hurt and pain and i just want my MDD to take away the pain!!!

like most addictions, my life is now going in the wrong direction. each minute i waste day dreaming is a minute i will not get back but i right now i dont seem to care.

[H]

MD does not exist, ypu have been churning on and on about Cynthia, but you lack the introspective to see that the only thing that ever helped you is the boyfriend you got. You were against people usin swear words, and maniacly cackled some course words like a 14th century witchdoctor whenever someone used the f-word. As soon as your situation changed you are out there sharing pictures of your private parts, oh you dont believe me? Inspect the photos a bit closer. You even managed to kick out a suicidal girl for being suicidal: based on a so-called psychologists advice. That person disgusts me, and even more so of using you in the constant state of evil you are in. When you delete this post, and my account, know this: you do not have md, you are a sociopath, and shame on any council you ever had for being addicted to the medicinal approach. You kicked the only person who heeded you advice. I dent the so called research notes of md to a proper psychologist, she was not impressed. If this ever goes public, i will destroy it and point to the nun who turned lude girlfriend.

[Elaine]

I hope this comment does get deleted. I don't know the story of the suicidal girl, so I won't even speak on it, but sometimes keeping an online space "safe" isn't all kittens and rainbows.

It sounds like you're stalking Cynthia at this point and threatening to Scarlet Letter her. No wonder she left. Mind your f****** business :)

[Daniel K]

This is interesting!! I have also heard medication for OCD also works? Any advice there?

[deborah clarke]

I wonder if anyone has had this experience,i have been a MD sufferer all my life,when i self diagnosis-ed it i was able to stop. For two years, now after the break up of my marriage i am back doing  it all the time, fantasy planning the whole thing. I cant move on but like an addiction i cant quit .any suggestions

[ZabdyM]

Church and friends help make my life better

Spending time working with people makes my life more fulfilling

Being able to spend a whole week without daydreaming makes me feel in control

Spending time around people I feel safe with helps me daydream less, spending time in a bad situation makes me daydream more.

-

When I spend a lot of time in my daydreams, and not doing things I should

-

-

My God makes me feel stronger

My friends make me feel safer

Knowing what I'm here for makes me feel more confident

[Daniel K]

I have seen OCD medications seem to work. Look into possibly taking Prozac which is what I'm taking. Also look into adderall or Ritalin. In addition to that frequent and daily exercise is also applied. Hope this helps





deborah clarke said:

I wonder if anyone has had this experience,i have been a MD sufferer all my life,when i self diagnosis-ed it i was able to stop. For two years, now after the break up of my marriage i am back doing  it all the time, fantasy planning the whole thing. I cant move on but like an addiction i cant quit .any suggestions

[VG]

In my dreams I am blonde. blue eyed and beautiful. One day in real life I caught myself in a mirror with my reddish hair and brown eyes and decided that I can never be the beautiful popular woman of my dreams but my real hair is shiny and my eyes are dark and pretty. I have a husband who tells me I'm beautiful so it's no cure but at least part time it's ok to be me. It varies but the other woman is always with me as a shield from reality. I find staying engaged with life helps as I can isolate so easily.