HOW DOES MD SHAPED YOUR LIFE ( FOR OLDER PEOPLE OVER 30)

[Bee Anchor]

 I am trying to understand how MD has shaped the lives of matured adults and the lessons we can learn from them...

[Alta Morden]

I am now 63 years old, retired and living alone.  I started daydreaming at a very young age, though I can’t recall exactly.  In other words, I cannot remember a time when I didn’t daydream.  My mother has told me that I had imaginary friends even in the period before coherent memories start. I created both kinds of fantasies mentioned in the Schupak paper: those where I was perfect and amazing and everyone was overwhelmed with admiration at my sheer awesomeness, and the other kind where I was the narrator of long and elaborate stories with multiple characters and embedded story lines.  I daydreamed intensively for most of my adult life, and only even started to try and stop in the early 90's.  Since then I have more often failed than succeeded but now I can have periods, months at a time, where I do not daydream.  But it always calls.

Despite this I managed to get an education, find a job which I kept for 35 years, and get married and eventually after 24 years get divorced.  No kids but that was my husband’s idea. But, and this is a huge overwhelming BUT and why I am writing this, the daydreams were always there.  Very little stopped them and even then only briefly and afterwards I would pick up where I had left off.  For years, decades, I didn’t even try to stop them.  They seemed normal because after all they had always been there.  But I was pretty sure that no one else in the whole world did this.  And even from the start they were a source of shame, like a secret vice.  And of course, as many of you mention and is in the paper, an intense source of pleasure, amusement, diversion, distraction.

 

I was probably in my forties when I realized how much trouble they were causing in my life.

-          They drained the colour out of real life, making it seem flat and boring and depriving me of being engaged in life

-          They drained away any genuine engagement with other people.  With the stories running always in the background, I could never fully get involved with other people; I was keeping everyone at a distance.

-          I have no idea whether the daydreams caused or were caused by my social anxiety.  Clearly it is not crippling because I do interact with the world, but it is always there.

-          They often made it hard to sleep, refusing to turn off when I wanted to sleep.

-          When I did it too intensely I got terrible stomach aches and headaches.

-          They would not stop when I wanted them to stop.  I couldn’t control them. Sometimes I would try and stop for even 1 minute, one tiny minute, and I couldn’t do it.

 

So, I started my intermittently successful campaign to get them out of my life.   And it is intermittent, as I write this I pulled out of the last bout less than two weeks ago.

My thoughts and 'tricks':

You need a way to hold yourself together.  Now I discovered and refined what the New Agers call centering and grounding.  You absolutely have to do this.  I used the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram (if interested, just Google it), even though I am none of pagan, witch or wiccan. Twice a day, morning and bed time though the morning one is much stronger.  You can use any centering and grounding routine, just be consistent.  There are lots online, do a search and you can find one that matches your belief set.  Belief in God is not required.

Be vigilant.  I cannot stress that enough.  Once they are inside you, they are horrifyingly hard to get out.  Once out (after a week of what feels like a painful and anxiety-wracked drug detox), they are somewhat more easily kept out.  You are particularly vulnerable when ill or stressed; though I am sure you all know that.

 

Lastly, this is going to sound silly, but try it.  Bells.  Little bells, larger bells.  Ring bells around yourself, particularly your head, when you feel under attack.

 

[Bee Anchor]

Thank you . I was very touched by all that you shared. We need to get more input from the others to build a rich tapestry of MDD lives lived. Also thank you for sharing tips on what what works. Can you say whether MDD had a hand in your divorce ?

Alta Morden said:

I am now 63 years old, retired and living alone.  I started daydreaming at a very young age, though I can’t recall exactly.  In other words, I cannot remember a time when I didn’t daydream.  My mother has told me that I had imaginary friends even in the period before coherent memories start. I created both kinds of fantasies mentioned in the Schupak paper: those where I was perfect and amazing and everyone was overwhelmed with admiration at my sheer awesomeness, and the other kind where I was the narrator of long and elaborate stories with multiple characters and embedded story lines.  I daydreamed intensively for most of my adult life, and only even started to try and stop in the early 90's.  Since then I have more often failed than succeeded but now I can have periods, months at a time, where I do not daydream.  But it always calls.

Despite this I managed to get an education, find a job which I kept for 35 years, and get married and eventually after 24 years get divorced.  No kids but that was my husband’s idea. But, and this is a huge overwhelming BUT and why I am writing this, the daydreams were always there.  Very little stopped them and even then only briefly and afterwards I would pick up where I had left off.  For years, decades, I didn’t even try to stop them.  They seemed normal because after all they had always been there.  But I was pretty sure that no one else in the whole world did this.  And even from the start they were a source of shame, like a secret vice.  And of course, as many of you mention and is in the paper, an intense source of pleasure, amusement, diversion, distraction.

 

I was probably in my forties when I realized how much trouble they were causing in my life.

-          They drained the colour out of real life, making it seem flat and boring and depriving me of being engaged in life

-          They drained away any genuine engagement with other people.  With the stories running always in the background, I could never fully get involved with other people; I was keeping everyone at a distance.

-          I have no idea whether the daydreams caused or were caused by my social anxiety.  Clearly it is not crippling because I do interact with the world, but it is always there.

-          They often made it hard to sleep, refusing to turn off when I wanted to sleep.

-          When I did it too intensely I got terrible stomach aches and headaches.

-          They would not stop when I wanted them to stop.  I couldn’t control them. Sometimes I would try and stop for even 1 minute, one tiny minute, and I couldn’t do it.

 

So, I started my intermittently successful campaign to get them out of my life.   And it is intermittent, as I write this I pulled out of the last bout less than two weeks ago.

My thoughts and 'tricks':

You need a way to hold yourself together.  Now I discovered and refined what the New Agers call centering and grounding.  You absolutely have to do this.  I used the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram (if interested, just Google it), even though I am none of pagan, witch or wiccan. Twice a day, morning and bed time though the morning one is much stronger.  You can use any centering and grounding routine, just be consistent.  There are lots online, do a search and you can find one that matches your belief set.  Belief in God is not required.

Be vigilant.  I cannot stress that enough.  Once they are inside you, they are horrifyingly hard to get out.  Once out (after a week of what feels like a painful and anxiety-wracked drug detox), they are somewhat more easily kept out.  You are particularly vulnerable when ill or stressed; though I am sure you all know that.

 

Lastly, this is going to sound silly, but try it.  Bells.  Little bells, larger bells.  Ring bells around yourself, particularly your head, when you feel under attack.

 

[Alta Morden]

Looking back on it, my MD caused an emotional distance.  Not sure if I would 'caused', but I am pretty sure it was a factor.

[Bee Anchor]

Thanks for sharing Matthew . I  agree that MDD is not a phenomenon of  our age but existed since the dawn of time.... The short story about Walter Mitty is an example of someone who spends his every waking moment in daydream .I hope that this discussion continues to grow so that we can map out the lives of MDDers and benefit from their hard-earned perspective.

[Waq]

I am 35.

hmm, I think it kind of screwed my life.

I had trouble going through college. I was smart in class. But when it came to studying for exams. I could not.

I then got into practical life/corporate life. But then realized I had to complete college and more to get ahead. and somehow I thought, or it appeared people expected more from me so I started studying. AND. I have virtually studied all my life :-) Since there was no accountability. I just kept on going back to books and adding qualifications. Everyone thought I was very smart.

In the end I got great qualifications but at the expense of relationships. because I never had time. I think it took more twice as much time to study for an exam than a normal person.

Day dreaming never effected my work life. I was always a top notch performer. I guess because I was in public. 

Thats the story of my life.

Besides studying, I love running like 10ks etc/working out on my own.  When I run, I can think dream as much as I want.  Interestingly, its quite beneficial in both. I can be rocky or a ufc fighter. it increase my workout intensity.

But overall, i think I have lost too much time.

[Bee Anchor]

 

Waq , thanks for sharing ...Could have been worse though - at least you have a good job and some matching qualifications. Constant professional development is the norm these days and many non-MDers perhaps share your regrets ? Not sure.  Do you have anxiety issues  - thats why you took so much effort to pass exams ? Do you mind sharing what field you are in?

[Robert M. Laramee]

I was a mature adult when I was 17 years old in 1982. 33 years has added experience and knowledge to that maturity. Mind reading is not a string of letters to form words and sentences. Vibrant colorful emotions coalesce with release of expression to form thought and can be transmitted and interpreted with some degree of accuracy from a receptive open mind. To speak aloud is not a validation or denial of the thought.

[Millie]

Hi, 

I turned 30 last year and realised I have spent the last 20 years in a day dream. It started when I was bullied at primary school and had no friends until I was about 15 - they didn't last long saying I was weird and used to leave me out of "gatherings". Turns out I have Aspergers. In a way this has eased the social pressure and I am happier with myself. But the MD means I failed school, failed my degree, cant take up hobbies, cant sleep properly, get caught talking to myself, and cant hold down relationships. I left my fiancé because I couldn't handle the lack of time devoted to my day dreams - and because he wasn't my 'daydream' partner. 

In a way I feel like, because of the aspergers and MD, I have been denied the chance at a real life. I've shunned all my friends (Im practically a recluse) and cant handle a normal life because it takes me away from where I am happiest. I have spent the last 15 years so unhappy that I am suicidal and manic depressive. It's now a case of just living the rest of my life as happy and content as I can be - if that means no relationship, no degree, no friends so be it. 

[Waq]

@ Bee Anchor.

i am in accounting and tax. yes, I do have anxiety issues. I would study for an exam for months and then in the last few days/weeks the stress level would increase so much that I would completely stop studying and just day dream.

you are right could have been worse. not complaining. BUT. what some people achieve at 25, I did at 35.  and their is a huge feeling of underachievement within me. so much so that i try to hide my age.  i know i could have done better. i have blamed it on procrastination and laziness for a long time. but after stumbling upon this forum, i think i its MD. if that is something real and not something all of us are making up. especially looking at my work life, i have never missed deadlines etc. 

just like Millie has mentioned. no friends. almost! except for a few who can bear with someone who will vanish for years. will seldom return calls etc.

of course its difficult to keep relationships when most of the conversations you have are with your own self and not your partner.

Bee Anchor said:

 

Waq , thanks for sharing ...Could have been worse though - at least you have a good job and some matching qualifications. Constant professional development is the norm these days and many non-MDers perhaps share your regrets ? Not sure.  Do you have anxiety issues  - thats why you took so much effort to pass exams ? Do you mind sharing what field you are in?

[JenBren]

I am 45 and have been daydreaming for as far back in my childhood as I can remember.

In my 20's and early 30's,daydreaming took over most of my private life, although I was able to work full-time in a management position and did it well. There were bad days however when I would either call in sick or work from home so I could spend a few extra hours daydreaming, but these were not that often. Back then, being single allowed me the time I needed to daydream on weekends and that seemed to be enough (most of the time). Maybe because there was little stress/anxiety in my life at that time? I loved my job and my life back then.

I was married in my mid 30's and at first the daydreaming seemed to take a back seat. After the first year however, the dreaming took hold once again (probably about the same time I took maternity leave). It was frustrating - not having the time I needed to commit to the dreams because of family demands. In my early 40's, I moved out of the master bedroom and into the spare bedroom and that gave me the freedom to act out the daydreams and the anxiety over it seemed to ease up. I will admit my marriage is not perfect, and I do often wonder how much of a role the MD plays in this. My husband is often away on business, leaving me alone in the house to act on the MD as much as I please while the kids are at school, but funny enough, I don't spend as much time at it as I would expect during these times. Again..maybe because there is less stress/pressure without my husband around? 

I do struggle daily and like Alta, reality seems very dull and boring. My story is always 'on' and I dream when doing dishes, laundry, picking up the kids, grocery shopping...it's constant. In bad times, I sleep very little, dreaming for 2-3 hours before I fall asleep, and again for an hour or two every morning before I wake up. I don't try to stop the daydreams - its too stressful in my opinion and seems to make things worse- so I have taken another approach. Convinced that my main character in my dreams is more the person I truly am behind my mother/wife 'mask', I try to be more like her. I have noticed I'm happier when I do this - more content with life and less stressed. Is it the right thing to do? I don't know, but it seems to work. I just feel more like myself when I do it. I cannot imagine my life without MD and as long as it's controlled to just a couple hours a night (on my good days), I don't feel the need to be rid of it. 

My children are older now and I'm looking at going back to work full-time so time will tell what effect this has on my MD. 

Curiously, my oldest daughter has many behaviours similar to mine and I question if she also has MD. She has talked about her 'character' for years (she's now 10), drawing pictures of her and daydreaming of her in her room with her music playing. She tells me she could sit in the car with me for hours, driving and daydreaming while the radio plays. I would be curious to know if anyone else with children sees any signs of MD in their children. 

[Robert M. Laramee]

My reality: I live alone. A few days ago I was fixing a snack from the freezer. Frozen egg rolls. Two minutes in the microwave and they are ready. Do you think you know where this story might start? Somewhere between the microwave oven and the freezer I looked back and thought the freezer door was still open about 3/4 of an inch. I physically touched the freezer door to close it but it was already shut and secure. I returned to the kitchen about two hours later and the freezer door was open about 3/4 of an inch. Is this psycho kinesis? Was it a premonition? I have experienced peculiar happenings through out my life and have become very reclusive. Anyone else real or imagined? Is this this this too too FANTASTIC to believe?
 
Robert M. Laramee said:

I was a mature adult when I was 17 years old in 1982. 33 years has added experience and knowledge to that maturity. Mind reading is not a string of letters to form words and sentences. Vibrant colorful emotions coalesce with release of expression to form thought and can be transmitted and interpreted with some degree of accuracy from a receptive open mind. To speak aloud is not a validation or denial of the thought.

[Bee Anchor]

 Thanks  for all that was shared so far- keep it coming...Somehow I see a common thread throughout - perhaps ,MDers are individuals that feel that they are without a life mission ?  And then they regress into the shadows of a daydream. That many have given up on real life , seeing that their own life is not full of real meaning...that life does not live up to art? Perhaps we should try to see real meaning in day to day reality instead? I don't know...