MDD is a curse ,I feel like im going f***ing crazy.......a long rant

[eternally a child]

To my mother I always 'have my head in the clouds' ...its even worse than that but how can I even explain this curse to her? The tension between my mother and I has become even worse . Im 27 and live with her again. (I pay for my own food car insurance and cell phone and if I try to pay for extra grocery's or utilities my mother doesn't let me) As I have been back home ive admittedly become very weak and infantile but even when I offer to help or give she doesn't want me to. She then turns around and claims that I don't help and tries to make me feel guilty. I don't exactly have a conventional job but can work from home but the business is unpredictable. We do tarot card readings. My sleep patterns have become terrible because of this f***ing MDD and my weight and depression. I cant get enough sleep .

 

Even when I get sleep and awake I want to stay in my bed and DD. Even when I wake up im either immediately sad or confused sometimes. I hate reality and don't want to face it anymore. I have actual hate for my mother. I don't even want to talk to her even when were on ''good'' terms. All she does it complain no matter what . I was recently given a threat or ultimatum '' change your ways in a month or leave. get up and get out of the house''Ok so now ive gotten up and I leave the house, but now were mad because I leave allllll day and

I don't check up on her or im ''too OCD'' or have an attitude with her supposedly. I cant take her insufferable b****y attitude . Yes im not perfect and I need to wake up and GTFO of here ON GOOD AND STABLE terms. there is no satisfying this woman. How do I get my fight back? What do I do for a living how can I support myself? why cant I support myself? all I crave is sleep and escapism. yesterday I was so  out of it I fell asleep in my car for 5 hrs and woke up confused and sad. I remember being alone and working alone and mainly having my MDD and really going crazy from loneliness but my god at least I didn't have to answer to my assh*le father or mother. I cant take her nagging and complaining and I cant take the fact that other people in her life ( our in laws )curse her out and harass my sister and she would let them get off scott free literally for years , but if I do something as simple as leaving a fork on a shelf or if I have too much laundry we go nuts. My sister took nude photos of herself and sent them to a man she was talking to only from instagram - she did this when she was separated from her ugly and abusive husband.

 

The man she sent the pics too PUT THEM ON INSTAGRAM for the whole world to see - my mother didn't even get mad at her, she just went delirious . she cried on a couch for 5 days. a week or so ago my mother and I argued again. I told her that I couldn't take the double standard or being the whipping boy for everyone else. I told her I was sick of being on the receiving end of her BS. I said ''my sister can make porn and you say nothing! everyone can make fun of you and curse you out and you let it go!''she said ''well maybe you watch porn. maybe youre a lesbian and have a secret world ,and I did get mad by saying 'what were you thinking? you've always been jealous of her just because you didn't get married.'' idk wtf getting married had to do with that but ooook.

I hate it when my asshole loud mouth  opinionated mooch uncle comes over, I know my mother talks about me to him. He has his own damn problems and hes a gossip. he cant mind is own damn business . they come over and talk about how another family member  of ours is enabling their grown children and not letting them be independent by paying for all of their things. this woman has grown children and they are married and their wives don't help either. My uncle - who thinks he knows it all and who lived with my grandmother and his brother for a long while WITH AN ENTIRE FAMILY  has an opinion of course . ''that woman didn't to take their independence it was her job to make them independent and they need to learn and blah blah '' I feel like this conversation was meant for me to hear or was not an accident . I don't want my mother to pay for EVERYTHING and she doesn't. I hate life and work and responsibility , I hate my race or what I was born as , i hate my culture , i hate HATE HATE MDD,  i hate the mistake i made that still haunts me from even getting a lame minimum wage job. i have no real skills . I HATE IT ALL.

[Rae]

I am sort of in a similar situation except my parents are very kind to me. I also live at home (i am 24) I work from home, I pay for my own things/bills.

A lot of people aren't very understanding of people who have who have maladaptive daydreaming and one of the best things you can do is to accept the fact that you have it and try your best to work it out. I know you said you hate it but I felt once I accepted it, it became a lot easier for me to handle. Also learning to not care about what other people think helps (i know this is hard to do when it is your family but sometimes it is for the best). Comparing how your mother treats you vs. how she treats your sister will only make you feel worse, I know what it is like not to be the favorite kid and the only thing that helped me get through that is speaking to my parents about it, nice and calm. It sounds like your mother is not very understanding of you, respectful to you, or helpful to you, and if she is not willing to change there isn't much you can do in this situation. You might have to learn to just coexist around each other rather than communicating in an unhealthy way.

Don't feed into the drama or arguments and don't create them either. Take the higher ground and don't let her influence and make your life miserable. If she wants to argue or nag, let her know that you are sorry she feels that way but you won't participate in her drama, this isn't letting her win this is just taking your power back instead of giving it away in an argument.

As for your family, well from what you have said your relationship with your family has been this way for a while and nothing has changed. Have you tried going to therapy with your mother? Would she be willing to do this? Have you tried therapy or maybe anti depressants? That helped me a lot with my issues of hating everything.

[eternally a child]

thanks for your reply .  I of course fell into the MDD trap and didn't respond right away lol.  I wont act like im perfect or entirely the victim but its hard to get out of this when my parents who are both idiots demean me all the time -well I don't even talk to my father anymore-  and all my life everything ive done is wrong and even my goals and dreams were wrong so wtf can I do , they want me to be a winner but I am told im a loser and THEY are losers too. My mother does try to make it better but its like ive just become exhausted from her BS. another major thing I left out is that in my culture women are just raised to be THE perfect housewives and moms and get married off soon. at 27 to NEVER be married is a no-no its like I might as well be 100. having a normal job or driving or living on your own or dating or dating outside your race is ALL BAD. marriage is the answer to everything to this woman

 

its so hard to not feed into the drama. it burns inside of me like a fire when she starts up again.  I do need therapy but cant afford it. I should look into it though . idk how shed feel about therapy and honestly id rather go alone. I do just try yo co exist but then shell think that I have an attitude by not talking . I guess if I REALLY cared about what they though of me id be their perfect ideal. idk...
 

 

Rae said:

I am sort of in a similar situation except my parents are very kind to me. I also live at home (i am 24) I work from home, I pay for my own things/bills.

A lot of people aren't very understanding of people who have who have maladaptive daydreaming and one of the best things you can do is to accept the fact that you have it and try your best to work it out. I know you said you hate it but I felt once I accepted it, it became a lot easier for me to handle. Also learning to not care about what other people think helps (i know this is hard to do when it is your family but sometimes it is for the best). Comparing how your mother treats you vs. how she treats your sister will only make you feel worse, I know what it is like not to be the favorite kid and the only thing that helped me get through that is speaking to my parents about it, nice and calm. It sounds like your mother is not very understanding of you, respectful to you, or helpful to you, and if she is not willing to change there isn't much you can do in this situation. You might have to learn to just coexist around each other rather than communicating in an unhealthy way.

Don't feed into the drama or arguments and don't create them either. Take the higher ground and don't let her influence and make your life miserable. If she wants to argue or nag, let her know that you are sorry she feels that way but you won't participate in her drama, this isn't letting her win this is just taking your power back instead of giving it away in an argument.

As for your family, well from what you have said your relationship with your family has been this way for a while and nothing has changed. Have you tried going to therapy with your mother? Would she be willing to do this? Have you tried therapy or maybe anti depressants? That helped me a lot with my issues of hating everything.