Something I wrote randomly

[Haleigh]

Under this smile lays a dark secret that I have shared with almost no one. It eats me alive everyday, yet I enjoy every minute of it. It makes me cry, yet I love it. I hate it more than anything in the world, but it’s my best friend. I have Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder. I live in a fake world with fake people. I used to always think I was a lunatic and I needed to be in a staright jacket, until I found out what I have. When I told people, they didn’t understand, but I expected it. I barely understand it myself. Why can’t I just tell myself to stop? Why can’t I control my thoughts? Anyone I’ve told has asked me these things. I ask myself these questions everyday. Why do I make my daydreams sad and depressing when I would rather be happy? Another question that confuses me and others that know.

                Something people that don’t have this don’t understand is the emotions we have towards our characters. They’ve grown to be our best friends, our lovers, our enemies. But we could never let them go. I wouldn’t kill off the two main enemies in my daydream. Ever. And most people don’t understand that. Why would you keep someone around that made you angry and frustrated? Because perfect is boring, that’s why. After about an hour of my characters in a perfect scenerio, I get bored with all the fluff, so I throw in a problem. I can daydream about my characters suffering  through that problem for hours, days, weeks, months, or even years. My characters have been dealing with a huge problem for about a year and a half now, with small problems thrown in.

                So, why don’t we stop? In reality, I don’t know why. It makes us feel good, I guess. We’re addicted to it. But unlike drunks or drug users, we can’t seperate ourselves from our problem. There is no way to free yourself of your imagination. And we need help; but almost no one out there is willing to help us. How many doctors do you see trying to find a solution to cancer. Now look at the number of doctors trying to learn more and understand Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder. Big differenece, right? Even though Day Dreaming isn’t nearly as bad as cancer, they should still look into it like they would any other disorder. It is so frustrating.

I want to connect with people. I want to do something fun without my Dream World interfering with my thoughts. I want help...no, I need help. We need help. But we’re trapped, and like I said before, almost no one is willing to help us.

[Paracosm]

This sounds so much like me. I too get bored of a "perfect" daydream. I love the bittersweet feelings, I love the drama and suspense, but most of all, I love the escape. Real life bores me and depresses me.

I so want help. I feel desperate. Nobody knows I have MD and I have nobody to talk to. I'm ashamed, puzzled, and I often can't believe it has come this far. How could I have let the very figments of my mind take over? Is this real?

Don't lose hope. I know all too well how MD can take control, what it is to both love and hate it, and to feel alienated from the rest of the world simply because no one seems to understand. You're not alone. Seriously, I can relate to what you're going through and I'd love to help and encourage you, although I don't know how I could be of much help, seeing that we have the same problem, lol! But really—it's horrible to feel alone, so if you'd like someone to talk to, you can talk to me. I know we can beat this thing! :)

[Terrell]

With me, I think it's a control issue. What I mean is, the only thing I have in my life that I have complete and total control over, is my alternate/ fake life. Everything that transpires, both good and bad, happy, tragic, bittersweet, etc, is all under my control. I had one female character only a few years ago who had existed for 4 or 5 years, that was one of my favorite creations. Her name was Marnie. She was initially sort of a best friend to my alter ego, but evolved into sort of a "close friend with benefits" type character. Eventually my alter ego persona developed deep feelings for her. Then I did something Ive never done before. I killed her off. Her character was seriously injured in a car accident. My alter ego was a police detective who was notified by a fellow officer of the accident within minutes. When he/I arrived on the scene, Marnie was alive, barely, but knew she was dying. Her death has affected him deeply and still haunts him years afterward. It's the only time I can recall ever having a character die, and I'm still not certain why I did it, other than it seemed realistic. In our real lives, friends sometimes die. Family members are sometimes diagnosed with illnesses and disease. But it's the only world I can exist in where I have total control. Weird, I know.