When You Try to Stop, But Just Can't?

[Jennifer]

I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm sure there's not one MDer who has not a clue of what I'm saying.

Those sleepless nights. All of those wasted hours of your life. Those days where you are supposed to be doing something important, but you just can't get out of your own head. Those days where you feel socially isolated, and you just want to go and talk to your pretend friends. Those days where you hate everything about yourself and just want to be the Idealized version of yourself for a little while. Those days where everything in your life is going wrong, and you need your scenario to ease up the pain. And, simply, just the kind of days when you are so caught up in your daydreams that you just don't want to stop.

 

This is me right now. I have been blowing off loads of homework, I haven't taken the time to prepare for the VERY important Midterm Exams I'm taking all of this week, (very important, as in, if you fail these tests, you repeat the grade) I've had to drop a level in my Tap dance class, because I'm not practicing at all, and to make it all worse, I'm so attached to this make-believe character that I've kept with me since I created my daydream scenario.

Max is his name. He's so beautiful. He's the fiance of my Ideal Me, and I am finding my real self not being able to keep my mind off of him. I find myself in school remembering "times" I've had with him, thinking to myself about him a lot, and thinking about how much I can't wait to just get out of there and spend time with him. It hurts too much when I remind myself he's not real. I can't deal with this any longer. I'm so attached to him, and I need help. Now. But, after trying 3 other times to tell my mother I need help, she relentlessly says "no." She absolutely refuses to help me with my MD. And I know that there's no point in telling her anymore. She'll just turn me away and tell me that MD is not real. What a horrible thing for a parent to do, honestly.

I don't know what to do. I'm finding myself farther and farther away from my real life, and just reality itself. There seems to be nothing I can do about it. I am completely stuck. I'm finding myself colliding with a brick wall, just a stupid dead end. This is't like me. Usually, I'm on top of everything, and school is my first priority. Music was my second. Dance was my third. Now, Daydreaming is my first. School is second, Music is third, Dance is last. But you know what? None of it freaking matters to me anymore. First, second, third, fourth don't mean anything anymore. Daydreaming has just turned out to be the one and only. And I'm falling apart.

I can't be the only one. Please tell me I'm not. So, tell me: Am I the only one stuck in this rut right now? If you're not going through this right now, then have you ever gone through this before? If so, how did you rise above it? Is there even any way?

Answers would be appreciated. Thank you very much in advance. (I apologize for rambling...I just need to get this off my chest, and I feel like others may know what I'm talking about here. That would be wonderful if you do know. I don't want to feel so alone with this anymore, so I'm coming clean. Here's my secret...I can't stop daydreaming.)

-Jennifer xoxo

Click here to see my Ideal Me and her fiance: http://s1289.beta.photobucket.com/user/Elizabeth_Scholtiisakk/media...

My Idealized version of myself is on the left. Her name is Elizabeth Scholtiisakk. (Sholl-tee-shack). Her fiance is on the right. His name is Max Pieczonka. (Peek-zonck-ah). I love them. Both of them. :')

[Amoka]

I get what you mean.I went through the same thing with my end-of-year exams (I failed two of them. Oops. But my decent marks from throughout the year and form other subjects kept me from failing). You are definitely not the only one. I am on holidays now, but I have so much summer homework and I haven't been able to bring myself to do it.

I had no idea how to overcome this thing, except maybe having a daydream character talking me into doing my homework. That worked last week, but it was really weird because I've never had a daydream like that before. My character refused to speak to me until I did at least a quarter of my homework. It worked. Ish. Maybe you could do that except substitute 'homework' for 'study'. 

Good luck with your mid terms in any case! I really hope you do well :)

[Luna]

I'm going through the exact same thing right now. I usually write out my DDS, so I have been writing non stop. I'm applying to college and the application is due Monday. I have four essays due, and I haven't started a single one. I've been too busy DDing to even start. I actually just laid on my bed today for four freaking hours and DDed non stop. I just can't seem to get out of this rut. When I'm this deep in, nothing works. I'm always being pulled back into my fantasy world. I can't leave it or get any work done.

 

You're not alone, I hope you get through this and do really well on your exams.

[Jennifer]

Thanks for all of your kind, helpful replies, everyone! I really appreciate your feedback. I honestly didn't think I would get any answers to this, but you guys positively surprised me and proved me wrong. :)

I'm sorry that all of you are going through this, as well. I truly wish the best for you! I hope you get through it soon.

And to answer your questions, yes, I did get through my midterms. Just barely, but still passed the majority of them. Math was the only one I brutally failed. UGH. But, I was able to make it through.

Thanks again, everyone!

I hope your essays went well, Luna!

-Jennifer Xx

[Lt C]

I know how you feel. I am trying so hard right now to suppress my md but I have no help. I told my husband of 5 years about it yesterday and its like it went in one ear out the other. It was like no bid deal to him. He has no idea how much this impacts my life as well as his. I have been doing this for a very long time and I don't know how to stop it either :( that's pretty awesome you have an actual person that you know how they look and everything. I have that better version of myself in my DDs but I can never picture her face in my mind.... Ever.

[Haleigh]

I can relate. I've had MDD as long as I can remember, but after I moved 6 months ago it has gotton so so much worse. My "friends" in real life replaced me after I moved and started ignoring me. I have no friends in real life. So I have my make believe friends, and most importantly, I have him. His name is Xavier, he is my idealized selfs' boyfriend. Then later as my story progresses he becomes my husband, ect. (I switch from the past storyline to the current one in my DW) I used to be great in school. I'm thirteen, and I had a college reading level. I never made anything below an A- until we moved to my current place. Then when I became lonely, my DDs took over. I'm failing almost all my classes because I can't pay attention anymore. DDing is my only priority. My mom doesn't believe MDD exists. You know what she told me the other day? "You'll be in 9th grade soon. Ninth graders don't really pace or DD or anything; you'll grow out of it." I know my mom just wants a normal daughter. Someone to go shopping with, do make-up stuff with, get our hair/nails done, ect. Well, sorry I'm not your perfect daughter mom. Sorry I spend all my time in my room with imaginary people. Sorry I can't make friends or get a boyfriend at freaking THIRTEEN. Who has a serious bf at that age anyways? And mom, sorry I can't be normal. I would if I could. (Wow, I just read that...sorry I went off on a rage like that.)

[Wish Upon A Wish]

(Don't worry about the rants, they happen.) But really, what's the fun in being normal? Think about it. Would you really want to be normal, the same as every one else? Wouldn't you just rather be who you want to be, rather than who your Mum wants? Would you be happier being who she wants you to be? Think about it.

Cala Wolf said:

And mom, sorry I can't be normal. I would if I could. (Wow, I just read that...sorry I went off on a rage like that.)

[Jennifer]

Hello, Lt C!
Thanks for your comment. I just want to say that I'm SO sorry to hear about your husband. I know how frustrating it can be to come clean to someone, ESPECIALLY when they treat it the way your husband treated your confession. I understand what it's like to confide in someone special, and someone you have faith in to help you and at least TRY to guide you along, but then they go and let you down and hurt you and burn you inside. I'm sorry that your husband disregarded your confession of MD. I know this sounds really stupid, considering I'm only 15 and you're married and are so much older than me, but I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I really am. If you have Facebook and would like to connect on there, I'd be more than delighted to, or if you ever want to write me a message/leave me a wall post on this site, I'll definitely be sure to get back to you. :)
Oh, and I completely understand what you're saying about not being able to picture your character's face! You're not alone, trust me. I even have to remind myself sometimes, while daydreaming, what "I" look like by looking at the photo of this girl. The guy, too. I have a hard time picturing faces. :/

[Jennifer]

@Cala Wolf Yes, very much like what Wish Upon A Wish said, you certainly do not have to worry about ranting. It happens to ALL of us on this site. That's what this site is for. (Thank you so much, Ms. Cordeilla!)
Anyways. What you were saying about your mother...Girl, I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. My God, you are not alone. I agree with you by what you said about 13 year olds not having serious boyfriends. Well, some of them do, but that's the unfortunate ways of our screwed up generation anymore, isn't it? -__- You're 13. You should be hanging out with friends, seeing movies, shopping, you know, girl things. You shouldn't have to be worrying about getting a boyfriend or acceptable friwnds for your MOM. And you know what else? I've been there. I know what you're saying. Last April, 2 days after my birthday, I confided in my mom about MD. I also begged her and begged her for therapy, because it was just internally tearing me up. I was depressed, crying all of the time, frustrated, fatigued, all over my MD. We fought so much and so badly that it got to the point of neither of us speaking to each other, so I tookam it upon myselfA to write her a letter trying to explain MD, and why I really thought therapy was appropriate. She still denied. To this day, I hold a grudge against her. I am still pissed off and hurt inside because of how she treated me. Much like your situation, it is safe to say that I feel my mother was completely freaking wrong. When your own daughter CONFIDES in you, and CONFESSES to you about a problem that is SO hard to talk about with anyone, or even accept that they are living with this disorder, then they should have vowed to help us. Or at least TRIED. Obviously we know that there's not much they could have done, but they could have TRIED to get us help. But neither of our moms did. It just went through one ear and out the other. Cala Wolf, I completely understand. And I'm so sorry. I went through this, and when I did, I was frequently thinking to myself that I really hope no other MDer has to ever go through it, because it was just a walk through hell. A hopeless walk through hell. But, it turns out that many MDers have gone through it. And that's horrible that this is a common struggle for MDers. I'm sorry for that, too.
Cala Wolf-or anyone who actually reads this, for that matter-If you ever need a friend, I'm always an option. Send me a message on here, or leave me a wall post. It can be about anything, not just MD. And Cala Wolf, if you feel so alone and feel as if you don't have friends, I'd love to be your friend! I'm always open to meeting new people, and I've seen your posts and comments on discussions and blogs, and you seem like a very sweet girl. I like you already, and I don't know much about you. But, if you'd like, we could change that. =)
If you would like to talk about your mom and our struggles with coming clean in depth, feel free to send me a message. I hope you actually survived this, LOL. If you did, I hope it helped, or at least made you feel better in some way, knowing you're not alone. You're definitely not.
-Jennifer

[Haleigh]

@Jennifer

Thanks, Jennifer. It's great knowing I can talk to someone that understands me. I was just thinking...If my mom let me get help now, I can still have a semi-normal life because I'm still young, but seeing as my mom doesn't care, the thought of that should be just as real as one of my DDs.