The desire to MD will never leave - but that's okay

[Mils]

Hi, so lately I've been doing a lot of self-improvement and working on myself, and I realised that finally, I am happy with my life. I feel at ease, and I always thought that would stop my want to MD. It hasn't though. And when I did indulge, I realise that my daydreams wanted a different life than the one normal-me wanted. A life filled with adventure and danger, but I don't want that, not right now and not as I spend the rest of my life. 

I still want to MD now, but I do it much less frequently. Instead I focus on other things, replacing it with exercising to work towards my goals, or going out for a walk to get some fresh air. Even calling a friend will help. Just reminding myself what I want in my life (through mood boards, scrolling through my camera roll, etc), it helps remind me why I don't want to have MD apart of it. 

Just some motivation, at least for me. And I wanted to share it, since I'm rarely posting on here anymore. I'd love to hear what you guys think! Have a great day :)

[SA]

@Sakshee Dhumal I have a query for you. The repressed emotions that seem to hit me the most hard are about the times when I was disrespected by others. It was either by people talking over me, yelling at me or not letting me put forth my opinions and I kept mum. Now obviously, such events can't be changed but they do carry a huge message. The message is to become more assertive in life. I want to ask you that is it even possible for me to develop the courage to speak up in such scenarios if they occur in the future or am I, for life, confined to facing these repressed emotions and acting out my fantasies but never developing that trait in real life? 
A response would be much appreciated!!!

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My real life will never look like my MD. I gradually stopped the fantasies. I think it started, because I was frustrated and really confused, and lonely. I could've dreamed until the cows came home and found myself in the same circumstances. I just don't meld well with people, and I was destined to be on my own. MD was a coping mechanism for what I lacked in life.

[Deep blue]

@SA it's fine to have those kind of repressed emotions. 

Some people have a habit of pondering on their daily experiences. Like, they'll sit and think about what all happened in the day. 

While others keep all the negative incidents bottled up. They just distract themselves. 

Now that you've taken off the distraction, it's normal for all those emotions and incidents to resurface. 

You can deal with it one incident at a time. Take it slow.

And from now on, try to deal with new emotions as they come. So there's not much pending stuff to do in future. 

Also, 

If you are smart, you'll stop regretting, learn the lesson, and move on. 

[Yukia]

 With a time machine?

[SA]

I understand what you’re saying. But what about those communications which I wanted to make in the past but kept silent for some reason? Those are the things which haunt and trigger me the most. For instance, if someone yelled at me, I can imagine the scenario and see myself responding in my fantasy. Or maybe someone was overly frank with me and I wanted to draw a boundary. But I kept silent. In my fantasy, I’m drawing the boundary. In reality, those are past events. How am I deal with issues from the past?

[Yukia]

They’re what forms the essence of MD i.e interactions with my characters or saying things which I wanna communicate.

If you want to communicate, you're the only one who knows how and what. You should probably think about acting out your fantasy self in the real world to connect the two realities. That's kind of the boss level in letting go of MD.

Also, you're a former MD-er after all. If I were you, I'd expect to daydream more vividly and intentionally than most people. I'd consider it a badge of honor for overcoming a life-long obsession.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

After I let go of MD, honestly, I feel too embarrassed. Even though it assured me things will be fine—they weren't OK. Now I have to start over from scratch. I find when I was a daydreamer, everything was starting to look dire for me, or very rutty. I wasn't taking care of where my life was going, when I lived in my head. This put me at risk, and I hope I can overcome this lesson, and still have a life. I put myself into a maladaptive state for 25 years. 

[SA]

I believe they aren’t maladaptive anymore. But there are still a part of my life. They aren’t common daydreams where a person gets lost thinking over a situation or person. They’re what forms the essence of MD i.e interactions with my characters or saying things which I wanna communicate. In simple words, when I say I do it in short bursts, I mean to get triggered into the fantasy land which I have created.

[Yukia]

I think my main issue is that those short bursts entail me acting out my daydreams. I’m talking in the sense of saying something or acting things out. That’s the issue.

I still can't put my finger on how to reply because I don't understand why it's problematic? If daydreams no longer hamper your productivity, they are not maladaptive anymore. It's also common for most people to act out their daydreams and talk to themselves when nobody's around. Are you sure it's not that?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I used to want to daydream, but now I re-think this. It was a coping mechanism when I longed for things I could not attain easily and when I didn't socially belong anywhere, and when I was so lost and in the cold. If I wanted my life to be a better place to live in—I really shouldn't have been an MD'er to begin with. The wise thing to do was tell my parents how I felt in advance and seek professional assistance, not delve into dreamland. I made a huge mistake and it coloured 25 years of my life. My adulthood isn't what I should't appeared, and I wound up in unexpected trouble with people. This is the real world—you don't muck around with that stuff, while crossing paths with people who don't know. I was too naive and inexperienced to predict that, and I still have so much to learn. So I had to suppress MD to an extent it now pops randomly in the day, but doesn't overrun my waking mind. I'm so glad that I did this! It makes you feel happy at first, but overtime, your life is a mess.

Yes, I woke up having no idea who I am. I have this clean sleight of a future. I'm not even sure what I'm going to do for a career. I practically have to start over and find new friends. It's the best I can do.