I feel so ugly. I hate my appearance so much i feel embarrassed. when i look in the mirror i think “Why? why did i have too look like this”. my mom tries to make me feel better but like, moms are suppose to say those things. i feel like i cant be myself because i hate my appearance so much (i know that sounds weird) but i dont know. i really care about what people think and i dont know how to break free from that. people from school think im weird and i dont have many friends. too girls bitched me out because i “look like a frog”. and one of my FRIENDS said to me once

“when you first walked into class and you were wearing a band shirt and converse , i was like ‘oh god im not being friends with her’. and then in foods class i thought ‘shes so freaking annoying and her voice is annoying. but im used to it now that were friends!”

        OH????? thanks. that actually really hurt alot, but i dont think she intended it to be. people i talk too think its ok just to say shit like that and it wont effect me, but it does. i just really hate my appearance alot. (not to mention i havent had a boyfriend through out high school yet…and im going into the 12th grade. and EVERYONES dating someone now. and i just looked stupid infront of every guy i liked).

        thats why daydreaming is nice for me. all my main characters are so pretty, like, unbelievably pretty. i think thats what makes me feel so ad about myself. these characters in my mind are so perfect, and then theres me. if i could look like any of them, i would. they all have cool personalities and have fun lives and boyfriends that i wish i had.
but none of that will happen to me.

        i can never be myself, i can never be as attractive as them, i can never have a dream boyfriend. i cant have anything that i daydream about. so i lay in bed after school (or refresh the same tabs over and over on my laptop) and daydream. then i daydream before i go to bed. and i daydream for a bit before i get ready to go to school (im late almost everyday because i ‘sleep in’ aka daydream for 15 minutes before i get up.)

        sometimes ill try to be like my characters and it fails. i try to dress like them, but when i look in the mirror i feel like i looks so stupid and wear something plain instead. its so hard for me to shop because i think i look ugly in everything. im so sick of life right now. This is making me really depressed and shit. im sorry for just complaining in this post and im not looking for attention or anything but i need to get this off my chest somewhere…. this is the only place i can vent about mdd, besides my tumblr blog (i posted this on there too). i never talk about it on my actual tumblr or anywhere else…..i feel like a super hero hiding an identity or something. i dont want anyone to know, that be embarassing.

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Comment by lizzy dagger on October 26, 2012 at 9:00am

All the guys in high school are too immature to date anyways. You are truly not missing out! And from personal experience I can say that having a boyfriend does not make you feel prettier or more confident. In high school, I used to date guys that would always be reassuring me that I'm this and that- which got on their nerves I'm sure. Those compliments would help for a minute, but it did not solve my low self-esteem issues.

I didn't have a boyfriend for the longest time either. And trust me, none of them were worth it once I got them.

Friends are bitchy. I have no idea why they feel comfortable enough to insult their friends, its normal and you're not the only one being insulted by friends. I guess its the whole high school atmosphere. People are immature during this time and lack general tact.


Also, I feel that comparing yourself to other women just doesn't help. It's near impossible to stop comparing, but just remember when you're criticizing yourself you are always going to lose to the person you are comparing yourself to. For example, I dated a guy who told me that Kristen Bell was hotter than me. I told this to the next guy I dated and he said that Kristen Bell was super ugly. Just because someone is a celebrity does not mean that all guys find them hot.

One day you will find someone who loves you for who you are and think you're incredible. There's gonna be days you still feel crappy about yourself and you must deal with them. But I want you to do something. Think about something you like about yourself. I don't care if it's your pinky toe. Just look in the mirror and be like, "hell yeah, look at my sexy ass pinky toe!" Tell yourself in the mirror things you love about yourself. Yes there are things you don't like- but there's gotta be something you do like :) And be cocky! Super cocky. Wear whatever you want, try it on and remember that your character wouldn't care what people think. She's hot because she wears what makes her feel good.

Comment by Nomad on August 20, 2012 at 7:10pm

In order to recover from addiction, I've come to a difficult realization: my perceptions are not always reliable. Addiction is like a demon that I hear in my head: It tells me I'm worthless and that life is hopeless because it wants to beat me down so I make self-destructive decisions. I don't hear it out loud, like a schizophrenic hears voices, but my mind always has a string of toxic opinions going. It's hard to admit I can't trust myself because it's a drag not to trust yourself. But finding a way to get out of my own head is helpful.

Anyway, I don't know if your perceptions are as skewed as mine, but your brain's description of you sounds a little suspicious. And even if you are peculiar looking, lots of peculiar-looking people have style. When I was in school, I had gorgeous friends and friends who got picked on because of their appearance, and I'd say my gorgeous friends have had a tougher time with love and marriage down the line.

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