Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
I feel so ugly. I hate my appearance so much i feel embarrassed. when i look in the mirror i think “Why? why did i have too look like this”. my mom tries to make me feel better but like, moms are suppose to say those things. i feel like i cant be myself because i hate my appearance so much (i know that sounds weird) but i dont know. i really care about what people think and i dont know how to break free from that. people from school think im weird and i dont have many friends. too girls bitched me out because i “look like a frog”. and one of my FRIENDS said to me once
“when you first walked into class and you were wearing a band shirt and converse , i was like ‘oh god im not being friends with her’. and then in foods class i thought ‘shes so freaking annoying and her voice is annoying. but im used to it now that were friends!”
OH????? thanks. that actually really hurt alot, but i dont think she intended it to be. people i talk too think its ok just to say shit like that and it wont effect me, but it does. i just really hate my appearance alot. (not to mention i havent had a boyfriend through out high school yet…and im going into the 12th grade. and EVERYONES dating someone now. and i just looked stupid infront of every guy i liked).
thats why daydreaming is nice for me. all my main characters are so pretty, like, unbelievably pretty. i think thats what makes me feel so ad about myself. these characters in my mind are so perfect, and then theres me. if i could look like any of them, i would. they all have cool personalities and have fun lives and boyfriends that i wish i had.
but none of that will happen to me.
i can never be myself, i can never be as attractive as them, i can never have a dream boyfriend. i cant have anything that i daydream about. so i lay in bed after school (or refresh the same tabs over and over on my laptop) and daydream. then i daydream before i go to bed. and i daydream for a bit before i get ready to go to school (im late almost everyday because i ‘sleep in’ aka daydream for 15 minutes before i get up.)
sometimes ill try to be like my characters and it fails. i try to dress like them, but when i look in the mirror i feel like i looks so stupid and wear something plain instead. its so hard for me to shop because i think i look ugly in everything. im so sick of life right now. This is making me really depressed and shit. im sorry for just complaining in this post and im not looking for attention or anything but i need to get this off my chest somewhere…. this is the only place i can vent about mdd, besides my tumblr blog (i posted this on there too). i never talk about it on my actual tumblr or anywhere else…..i feel like a super hero hiding an identity or something. i dont want anyone to know, that be embarassing.