What is wrong with me?!

[Paracosm]

I don't feel like myself. Honestly, I'm not sure who I am anymore, but it can't be this.

I get irritated over the smallest things, and then the pressure builds and I feel volatile, like a bomb about to go off. I want to shout, scream, and break something. I never let it all out, though. I'm able to keep it to huffing and puffing, emitting steam, and fidgeting, but I can't get myself to calm down. The sounds of people talking, moving around, and the vibrations as they walk irritate me more than anything. I often can't stand people. I want them to stop talking and to go away. I often resort to closing my eyes and covering my ears, or turning on music in an attempt to block them out. I breathe heavily and feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I can't take it.

I'm so unmotivated, but it's not just laziness. I can hardly pull myself off the couch to get something to eat. I can't convince myself to go to bed even when I'm exhausted—and I always feel exhausted, either physically or mentally. A responsibility, even the smallest one, looks like an enormous mountain to climb. I decline offers to play games and have a good time because fun isn't fun anymore.

Boredom doesn't affect me like it used to. When I was normal (whatever my "normal" is), I couldn't sit for ten minutes without feeling restless and too energized to sit still. Nowadays, I can sit for extended periods of time like I'm in a trance, not thinking or feeling anything.

I feel angry and frustrated, but for no particular reason and with no one in particular. In a moment, I can get upset about one thing, and that one thought triggers another and another and another. The next moment, I'm upset about everything in the world there is to be upset about: every argument, negative remark, and distressing experience. I cry over ridiculously small things, but I almost never show it. I feel like my reactions are exaggerated, and I often seem overly aggressive, critical, and blunt to others.

I often withdraw from people because I don't know how to handle myself. I feel so guilty, because I must seem like a grouch to others, but I don't mean to be. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I wish I could snap out of this. When people talk to me or ask me questions, I often have difficulty responding, and I'm not sure why. Sometimes I don't know what to say, sometimes I have to force the words out, as if I've lost my ability to think clearly enough to speak and the words just won't come, or sometimes I worry that I'll come across as rude.

I feel hopeless, like I'm swimming in a sea of gloom, like I'm forever doomed. I admit that the idea of self-infliction has been rather appealing to me recently as a means of relieving tension and feelings of dissociation, but I certainly hope I can't convince myself to go that far, although only because I'd hate the shame and attention if anyone were to find out.

I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. I think it's been getting worse over the past few months, and come to think of it, this isn't the first time I've entered this sort of "phase". I distinctly remember it happening two years ago, and now I'm wondering if it could be seasonal. Unfortunately, time blends together, and I have a hard time remembering my "normal", if it ever existed.

What in the world is wrong with me?!

Can anyone relate?

[jonathan richard chilson]

I have the same problem. I used to let it make me very poor company but eventauly I figerd out how to handle it. What I do is that I divide myself from a situation and look at it through an imaginary tv. Then I deaside weather this person or persons are doing it on pupose. If they are you have a little right to anger but if trying to get them to stop nicely dosent work try to avoid that situation. If its not on porpose then try to come up with a solution to avoid the irritant. Maby if they dont have to do it then you could ask them nicely to stop. (of course if you do that all the time it could irritate them so you should watch there stress level.) But the best advise I can give is to calmly try to come up with a solution.

[Paracosm]

I'm 18 years old. As strange as it may sound, I have no memory of how I felt last year. It's like it never happened, so it's hard to say when this phase started. I think it's been at least a couple months, but it feels like forever. Some days have been worse than others, although I haven't noticed any pattern.

But here's the really weird thing. On the 10th (Sunday), my mood completely changed. I was unusually silly and giggly, but I didn't really feel happy. It was all oozing out and I couldn't help it, even when I tried to be serious. I was laughing about almost everything. My sister kept on asking me questions because she couldn't figure out what was going on. I was actually sort of embarrassed about the way I was acting, because it was such a drastic change. I don't know how to describe how I felt except by saying that I felt more responsive. I was much more talkative and I didn't get extremely irritated when people asked me questions. I didn't feel hopeless and grouchy as I did before, but I still had depersonalization and derealization, and again, I didn't actually feel happy. Honestly, I didn't FEEL like much of anything, but I was BEHAVING in a really strange way and I couldn't help it. Usually when I go to bed, I fall asleep within a short amount of time (even when I'm daydreaming), but that night, it took me an unusually long time. It had nothing to do with anything that was happening, because nothing different was happening. Over the last few days, I haven't been quite as silly or giggly, and I've gotten irritated a few times, but my mood isn't as bad as it was before. I've also been in my dreamland almost full time.

I don't know... I can't figure myself out!

[Paracosm]

@Jenna - I think the feeling of time blending together is actually a symptom of depersonalization disorder. I've never been diagnosed, but I seem to have most of the symptoms. I don't know if what I'm experiencing now could be depression, or if it could be anxiety, or anything else—it's all so confusing, and I think the depersonalization masks a lot of the way I feel because I'm so detached from my emotions.

Thanks for the suggestion. I do like writing, and it does helps a lot to vent. :) But I know that distracting myself is only ignoring my problems, and I can only do it for so long.

@dream lover - What you described about how you were a year ago sounds a lot like what I'm going through. I could be wrong, but I don't think there's a specific cause. I think all the stress has built up and I'm overwhelmed—or something—I don't know, it's just a guess. I'm wondering what will happen over the next few months. This sort of thing has happened before and it could just be a "phase" of depression or something. I've also been looking into Seasonal Affective Disorder, which could be an explanation if it clears up with the coming Spring and if what I'm experiencing now keeps happening every winter. I want to look at some of my journal entries for last year to see if the same thing happened. I doubt I'll find much since I'm usually horrid about keeping up with a journal, but it might give me a hint, and I'm hesitant to throw any names on what I'm experiencing until I really know for sure.

I know the same thing happened two years ago, and it came on so suddenly that I didn't understand what was happening to me. I remember asking my sister, "have I always been this way?" I actually took inspiration from it to develop a character in one of the novels I'm working on. The character is a bit of an exaggeration of how I felt, but she became my way of expressing my emotions in a way that didn't cause disaster.

[dream lover]

First of all...your welcome :) :) . I know how you feel now,i have experienced it.......i felt angry,every small task looked like a mountain to climb,i disliked anyone giving attention towards me,but i also desperately wanted someone to understand me,i hated to hear others voices,i hated when they talked,i couldnt answer even the simplest questions like "where is the shoe?"...i felt irritated and i often shouted the answer,but i immidiately felt guilty,but i couldn't say sorry,every sound felt like pins in my ears,i said inappropriate things at inappropriate moments,i couldnt laugh,i used to DD then,but usually i daydreamed the same scene over and over again.i felt no enthusiasm,i felt everything was meaningless...........that was me a year ago............i still feel hopeless,empty,but i dont have that anger or irritation now.i can think of a few reasons,all of them are from .....real life experience.....
1.you are 18 now,people tends to treat you differently,it might be a reason........i know thats not a good one :( :(
2.it can be a side effect of knowing that your a MD. daydreaming is something we use to cope with our hard reality.i can say for myself,i might have had done some really bad things if i didnt DD,after knowing that it is a disorder,i wanted it to stop. Everyone wants to stop it subconsciously/consciously.but we still have that hard reality to face, so it makes us angry,hopeless..... And many other things...you know many say that other people with harder conditions dont have MD,but they have other problems.. The murderers and sadists who are out there,many of them are victim of cruelty in early life and they used their crimes to cope with it....
3.if you have faced any ........ Bad situation recently it can cause it.
4.if you have a crush... Lolz . Thats certainly not a good reason. I dont know any way to get rid of these feelings,doing something you like is only a temporary solution. It will take some time for you to get back to your ...... Usual self. So dont worry sarah,judging by what i read from your posts,i dont think you have depression.

[Jenna]

I'm not saying you do or don't have a mental disorder, but this reminds me of when my depression and social anxiety really got severe. It felt like time was blending together, and such as what you said above. I'm afraid I can't recommend anything specific, but  try finding at least one thing you love whether it be writing, drawing, cooking, etc. It helps by keeping yourself distracted for a while, and can be a good way of venting your feelings. :)