It's Getting Easier

[Paracosm]

It's only getting later and I should be going to bed, but I'm so fed up. I can't convince myself to end this day just so I can experience another. It feels like such a waste.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I never know why I do what I do. I don't even know what it is I'm doing. All I know is that it's becoming easier.

Yes, it's easier than it ever has been to feel sad and accept the feeling, because I don't feel it anymore. There's only a void inside, and a false face to hide it. Misery has become my only friend. There's something sweet about it and I don't know how to leave it behind.

I feel such a conflict inside between wanting to be understood and the fear of making myself vulnerable, so I've withdrawn into my own world, so that the real world feels strange to me. I don't know how to return there. I feel like an alien, trapped inside an alien world, and trapped inside myself. I don't know what I'm doing here.

I wish that I could just wake up tomorrow and my eyes would be opened—that I could see the world with clarity and feel human again; but as it now, I wake up from a dream and into another, like the living dead. Time blurs together. Yesterday feels like another life, tomorrow feels impossible, and the present moment feels like nothing. I don't think I can be more lost than this.

Oh well. At least it's getting easier, and soon I won't know the difference.

[Paracosm]

Yeah, I have your email address. You sent it with your friend request.

Just sent you an email. :)

[dream lover]

Lolz. :) :) :) .i dont think i would be as awsum as an imaginary friend. You have my email address? I think i sent it.

[Paracosm]

Hey there—I'll send you an email as soon as I set up a new email account. I don't really want my normal email address associated with my craziness, lol. :) I'll see if I can set it up tomorrow. It's late now and I should go to bed. zzzzz

And you're not being disturbing. It's nice to have a real human being to talk to, rather than a figment of my imagination... even though my imaginary friends are incredibly awesome, lol. :)

[dream lover]

Hey,how are you?
Last time you said that it seemed liked your mom wanted to emabarrase you to your neighbours or relatives.you said you liked snakes and cured a few. Maybe your mom was actually a bit proud of you,not everybody can cure snakes,most people would run when they see a snake.it takes courage to do it.
But she couldn't say that she was proud becuase of it,people would think she is weird,they wont.....cant see things from different perspectives.besides,your mom is probably worried about you,any parent would be worried, thats their job :) . By the way,if you are wondering why i am saying good about your mom,u should know a bit about me. My mom isnt the best person in the world,but she is still the best and only person who loves me. So i can never think of a mother as bad.anyway,I want to know more about you. Your social life,family life,your lovelife :) :) :) . Would you mind to tell me?if you reply please reply to my email address.i'm using mobile. If i am disturbing,then i apologize.

[Paracosm]

Well, I grew up around all sorts of animals... snakes, bugs, bears, and the neighbors' annoying dogs. Most people think I'm really strange when they hear I have a snake, and my mom LOVES to tell everyone about how when I was younger I would find all the sick snakes around the house and help them get better. I'm not sure why parents get so much pleasure out of embarrassing their children... ugh. I've promised myself that if I ever have kids, I'll never embarrass them like that, lol.

My novels aren't yet in a state that anyone could read them. Right now they're just bits and pieces, I haven't even finished the storylines, and I'm too much of a perfectionist to let anyone see them before they're finished, lol. I'll let you know when you can find them in the bookstore. ;)

[dream lover]

Nah......you didnt ruin my day,and if you think you were ranting then you dont know what ranting is, :)you should listen to my english teacher or my dad(big fat men,has white skin,wears wierd glasses,never shuts their mouth,too friendly with girls and for some reason really hate me,apparently girls find them rather attractive,they must have had a head injury or something). Anyway...i found your ranting quite interesting. :) :) You cant enjoy nature for a long period of time,espically alone.about your pets.......turtles are normal here but a snake as a pet is something i have only seen in "national geography". :) :),its not wierd,just unusual . I never had a pet,when i was a kid i wanted a pair of rabbits.but i never got them.i feel uncomfortable around all animals,i hate and fear all kinds of insects.......i have been living in the middle of a really busy city since i was 4 and i have lots of neighbours,but i dont go anywhere cause i dont like when people whisper behind my back, most people think i am a a bit mad(which isnt totally a lie since i'm an MD :) ).i dont talk in the phone much cause everyones too busy,i used to go shopping but i went with my mom or my aunt and they both used me as a trolly,they needed someone to carry the bags......i think i'm ranting now.........Lolz.do you mind if i want to read your novels?its probably not a good idea since my exam is just 20 days away,i havent read my textbooks but I love novels and i have read a lot :) :) ..........you said they were based on your dreamworld so it's okay if you dont want to share them.

[Paracosm]

@Madelyn - Wow, that's exactly how I feel! I feel like loneliness is part of my identity, like I'm not me without it. It's almost as if I like it, and sometimes I think I really do, but I also hate it and wish it would go away.

I know what you mean about feeling exposed when you tell someone about yourself. I don't think most people understand how much courage it takes to talk about the way I feel, because I don't like making myself vulnerable. It's not so much that I care about what people think as it is about how I feel once I tell people. I've told my sister, and I told my brother the other day, but I don't think either of them can truly comprehend how deep the loneliness and frustration goes. My brother seems to think that the way I feel is normal, I'm just stressed out, and that all my symptoms will go away when things get better here. He doesn't seem to get how WRONG it feels, like everything inside is out of whack.

Have you ever read the description for the Enneagram personality type 4? I can relate to it SO much, and I wonder if you could too. Here's a link: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeFourOverview.asp

@dream lover - Hahaha, thank you. But don't worry, I couldn't even spell my own name when I was 3, lol.

Daily activities? Um... oh boy. I don't do much of anything. I suppose most people my age spend their time playing sports, talking on the phone, hanging out with friends, and shopping. I live in the middle of nowhere and we don't have any neighbors, so I can't really "get out". I can walk and walk, but there's only trees and hills and more trees and hills, which I suppose sounds great to some people, but it's so lonely and I feel like I've lost my appreciation for nature, anyway. I can't drive and I don't have anyone to drive me, so my options are pretty limited. I was homeschooled and I never made any friends, so it's not like I can call anyone when I'm bored.

Most of the time, I sit at home and browse the internet until I reach the very end of the internet. I used to have a blog, but my computer broke and this one is far too slow, and I've lost all motivation and sense of enjoyment anyway. I love writing, and I'm working on a couple novels (both inspired by previous daydream worlds, and both created in an attempt to stop daydreaming—that went well, lol), but honestly, I don't like to sit at the computer all day. I'd rather be out and about, if it was possible. In the evening, I often watch some TV, which is about the only fun I have all day.

I have my responsibilities, of course. I have a couple pet turtles and a snake (yeah, I'm weird and I like reptiles), but I don't feel so much for them anymore. I usually make lunch and dinner, because while both my parents work at home, they are always too busy, and apparently they know how so NOT busy I am, so I got volunteered.

Basically, my daily activities are: wake up, eat, and go to bed.

Anyway, that was really depressing. I hope I didn't ruin your day, lol. Thanks for listening to my ranting.

[dream lover]

Your welcome sarah. :) though i felt like a 3 year old baby when i read my own post after reading yours.you write really well.... I read your story and i couldnt help thinking about that lonely girl in that lonely town.what do you do nowdays?mind sharing your daily activities ?

[Madelyn]

Oh my goodness, I totally get this. I get the 'misery is a friend' thing. I hate the loneliness, but its been a part of me so long, I don't know who I am without it and that's scary. I also feel the same way about kinda knowing what you need to make things work, but being completely powerless to get it, its so frustrating! I hide away too, I guess we all do to some extent. I really want people to get what I feel and how exasperating and exhausting life is, but you either get shut down, told to grow up, or people realise you're not 'normal', and treat you differently. How exposed I feel when that happens! It is getting easier for me too, to be like this. I just think of the frog in water coming slowly to boil. By the time I've realised what I'm missing out on, it kinda feels too late. I really hope things take a turn for the better for you over the next bit. It sounds like you deserve it, after feeling gross for so long!

[Paracosm]

@dream lover - Aw, thanks for the encouraging words. :) I get what you mean about being hesitant to join this site. It took me a while too, and after I posted my first blog post, I started regretting it, but then I saw how nice the members are, and I'm glad I joined. It's so nice to be among like-minded people and fellow sufferers. :)

Don't ever think you're going to be alone all your life. I have difficulty talking to people too and being stuck at home all the time, I don't have many opportunities to meet new people. It's SO frustrating, but I'm trying to learn to accept that being alone is part of life. It doesn't matter how many friends you have, because at some point you're going to be lonely.

As the saying goes, it's always darkest before the dawn. I'm trying to remember that, but more importantly, instead of obsessing over how bad I feel, I'm trying to focus on what I CAN do right now. My options are limited, and stepping out of my comfort zone is so scary, but I won't get anywhere by doing nothing.

I've been frustrated over the fact that I can't change people, too. I wish my relationship with my parents could be so much better, but it's the same day after day. I keep telling myself, "your opportunity to come. Someday, things will be better." It's better to be aware of what's wrong in your life than to be ignorant. Like physical pain, emotional pain is there to alert you when something is wrong. It's uncomfortable, but it's actually a wonderful thing. This perspective has made it easier for me to bear it—at least for today. ;)

I've been alone for so long, but now I know there are people out there just like me, and we can support each other. :) I refuse to think that I'll never have friends or be loved. Chances are, most people aren't going to understand me, but someday I'll find that one person who does and appreciates my unique character. The same goes for you. :)