Things have apparently gone further downhill

After finishing my latest reply to Eretaia's giant 4-part post, I went to read my first ever post on this site, just for the heck of it. I think I'm a bit shocked by how low I have sunk since then.

Here I was, a couple of minutes ago, expecting to find childish ranting and general bulls- like usually happens when I read my old posts. Now I think I really need to do something. So what is that something, you may wonder.

Oh, that's the fun part. How about a guessing contest?

I had to be recently reminded of what a nice bowl of broken spaghetti my mind has become, only to find out that I had written a complete list of all aspects of my wretched condition myself, more than a year ago. "Knowledge is always useful." is the last sentence in that post. Well said, kiddo, damn well said. It sure enough helped me realize that I've been further blinded in the meantime.

Such fascinating irony. I'm always so damn quick to despise my past self because of his lack of experience, and I just basically told myself across time, that I was wiser then than I am now.

My daydreams probably reflect this. Their content has evolved and changed dramatically, and they've become frighteningly intricate and detailed. Detailed enough that there's a dominant one now, that I've started to write down in the form of a story.


There isn't much more to be said at this point, find that post if you want to know the details. Past Source can tell you more than I can. First post, November 2014, you can't miss it.

PS: Eretaia, I know this contradicts my answer, but the edit time window had already expired. Besides, throwing this here prevents your post from getting cluttered with my inconsistent rambling.

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Comment by Eretaia on December 16, 2015 at 8:01am

It doesn't mean getting away with it, it means accepting that you fucked up. Forgiveness is the absolute stage of affirming your mistakes.

It's okay, these things need time.

Comment by Camoran on December 15, 2015 at 4:20pm
That's already half done. I'm already forgiven by the victim, but I can't forgive myself. It would mean getting away with it.
I'm not blaming a blind man for being blind, I'm blaming him for sticking forks in his eyes without thinking of the consequences.
Comment by Eretaia on December 15, 2015 at 3:27pm

I just want to tell you something. I don't know who you hurt and how much you hurt them and I don't know if you'll ever have a chance to apologize to that person but there's someone else who needs an apology just as much as your victim - and that's you. You seem fixated on past and not being able to correct what you messed up but when you are numb, you're not yourself. It's like blaming a blind person for not being able to see and react in time. Like I was said, we are all vile, we all hurt and get hurt and while some damage may indeed be irreparable, there can always be an attempt to say sorry. Both to your victim and yourself. Maybe, just maybe, learning to forgive yourself is what you need most in this moment.

Comment by I was on December 15, 2015 at 7:28am

You'll find a way. I'm glad you admitted to your cowardice. I pray that He gives you the courage to break free from your own shackles. You have no control. Your control only tightens the shackles. As for the innocent I am sorry. We are all vile and for the wounds of the unfortunate we are all responsible. If you feel the need to share it with a friendly ear, feel free to do that.

Comment by Camoran on December 15, 2015 at 7:05am

Only barely. Fear, anger, pain, disgust, anxiety and, very rarely, quiet are the only ones I can really feel. Everything else is simulated, limited and fake. I used to be confident that full native support for emotions would be the last missing piece, the one that would finally get the machine to run. Now, I'm no longer sure.

Failures must be either reverted or prevented, there's no such thing as 'sorry'. Trying to compensate for damage that has already been done is a weak attempt at fixing the unrepairable.

There were rules to follow, criteria to match, conditions to meet. As long as I did all that, I was stable and productive, I was 'fine'. Then I grew soft, and look at me now, spitting bulls- to the four winds about distortions, inconsistencies, invisible imaginary voids, etc. while desperately trying to evade my own responsibilities. A fitting punishment for one who doesn't follow his own rules, isn't it?
Mistakes have been made that can never be fixed, possibilities have been missed that will never repeat.

Worst, an innocent was hit in full by the consequences of my weakness. Someone who didn't deserve it, got hurt. A total failure in limiting the negative effects of my decisions to myself was the drop that caused an overflow.
Failures, of any kind, are unacceptable. You ask me to accept them, you're asking for the impossible.

The last part of what you said shows that I've been using the wrong word. All this time I meant my own 'logic', my routines, whenever I said logic referring to myself.

Comment by I was on December 15, 2015 at 6:16am

No. You can be down in the dirt or on mount olympus, it doesn't matter, in both the situations you must do what you must do. It's not your place that hurts or feels good but if you are able to do what you have to. A son of a billionaire can feel wretched and tortured if he can't carry the legacy. Son of a pauper can be happy at simpler things. If you, a King, can't bear to be in a pauper's position, lest feel happy in it, it's because you have attached your ego to 'better' things and you can't let go of them. Letting go of them feels like killing yourself, being that pauper will kill you! But some wisdom suggests one is not one's possessions, physical or otherwise, but something else. It will take a reincarnation for you, the King, as a new you, the pauper, to bear that situation. A reincarnation, i.e. complete destruction and rebirth will be the only way for you to let go. But there is something else you can do in this life. You can't reincarnate but you can resurrect. You've fallen and you can't make peace with your situation, you fail to accept it and move on. You can't move on, accepting it feels like killing self. It's shitty, but what must be done must be done. You are stuck.

Some humility will do you good. Are you humble? Can you submit yourself? But you are wretched, even you don't comply with yourselves and you'll ask infinite questions to others and never agree. Moulding you is tough because you have to understand first. There is no submission in you only resistance! But this resistance giver is not you, it's the one holding you in prison. You gave it the key to you cell. You are only the intellectual part of brain and nothing else. You have no foundation, you destroyed your foundation to escape from yourself and logic needs a solid foundation. It is nothing of itself.

You need to accept and move on, and it's gonna be harder than killing yourselves, but something's gonna pull you through, it always does. It's your life force. It's the real you behind all the facade you put. Maybe you need to be put in more pain before you are ready yourselves. Maybe you need more pain to mould yourself to see the reality.

Comment by Camoran on December 15, 2015 at 5:01am
Admitting that the last standing fragment of 'myself' is a sand castle, is the least hard thing to do. I'm not afraid to acknowledge and say that I've fallen to pieces, I'm having a hard time keeping them together and I don't have any solid clue about who/what I am. The internet isn't a place for such personal details, but I have already lost everything that could be lost. The real problems begin when you expand the view to the real world consequences.
This wretched, shattered condition has been afflicting me for years, and in those years it has brought to events that cannot be reverted. Actions that cannot be undone, damage that cannot be repaired, take your pick. Even if I am restored to a working state, it's still too late unless a functional time machine is invented and built.
Comment by I was on December 15, 2015 at 1:10am

I'm really sorry for the situation you're in. I pray for you and I regret that's all I can do because I'm not much better off than you or anyone. And for the thing you say that the only part of you left is your logic, that's untrue. It may be the only part of you your ego has attached itself to and therefore you are under a false sense that that's you. That may be the biggest thing keeping you from you, this distance you have from yourself, there's a big wall of your logical self in between pretending to be you. But it's doing a bad job, your logic is a failure, have the courage to admit that! your every word is bitter, maybe you feel anger to everyone and everything or you might've buried the anger too(but it shows) and you don't feel anything.

I myself got really disheveled yesterday after a couple weeks of feeling happy, but it only does one good to be like that every once in a while, it means something is imbalanced and gives a chance to correct it. I had to, in the past admit many bitter things to myself, to get out of the cycle. Many humiliations, in-competencies and falsities had to be brought fourth so I could feel myself. I didn't even know I was hiding them. They were in really really deep and as soon as they started coming to me I turned red! You've got the fighting spirit so fight it, there is no other way, just don't keep beating yourself up. Or atleast have the courage to see and admit the facade. It's a slow process though, keep that in mind.

Comment by Camoran on December 14, 2015 at 5:27am
The logic I'm talking about isn't real, cause-effect logic. It's a partial, situational adaptation of logic, more of a hardcoded routine. Causes and effects don't always match true logic.
I know it won't get me far and I know it's flawed, but it's all I have. Take that away and I'm left with nothing. My feelings are locked and annihilated, everything significant I ever got done is in another world and my memories are corrupted by the machinations of my fantasy.
My way of thinking is the last remaining aspect of me, the only proof I have left of my own existence.

About the layers of distortion in whatever I say, expect to find a lot of those, every time, and don't be surprised if I speak in riddles and incomprehensible, watered down sentences.

About your last question: i don't know, yes, and yes. Quiet is something I haven't known in years, maybe more than a decade.
Comment by I was on December 14, 2015 at 2:53am

You don't prize these 'calculations' do you? I've experienced they are useless when overdone. You might have to feel a level deeper. I remember being in a frenzy of thoughts and words for about two years before I gave in to something. It was a sort of acceptance. And now I realize it was me shifting from logic to something else. My world had no place for anything but rational thoughts. I had no emotions, no feelings for stuff but they all existing somewhere in my dreams. In reality I was only words and descriptions and rationalizations. Now I think of it I can't remember how I did it but I think I would suggest you to disregard logic first. And if you feel a sharp pang when I say this it's all the more proof that you're held captive by logic. But if you know what I'm saying or it's not a problem to you, all well and good. But the agony in every word you write tells a different story.

I'd rather be a weak minded idiot rather than a deluded idiot ignorant of his own situation. I'd live in my own skin and that's the best thing one can do. Everything you say is lapped up in layers and layers of distortion, or so it seems to me.

Do you have some problems like forever racing thoughts, forgetfulness, can't sit in quiet for a while - things of that sort?

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