I'm done jumping back and forth from blog to blog ranting about things that are bordering off-topic, so I'll just put it all here.
Some say daydreaming is a curse, others say it's a tool. What I say is that it is what you let it become. In my case, it's become a monster, a completely different, intricate and complex dimension that has mixed and stacked with reality. It has free reign on my memories, dictates how I feel, dictates every damned detail of my life, because I unconsciously decided to live suspended between reality and dream. Everything I think I have only exists within this dimension: power, feelings, self-confidence, solid knowledge of what happens around me, and many other things. Today for the first time, a person tore a hole in the barrier between this world and the real one, and I was able to see the way things truly are. It's all fake, it's nothing but a giant illusion that uses every second that I am not focused on reality to take hold of my mind and begin pouring false hopes and feelings into it. It's stubborn as hell, and breaking out of it for good is something I can't do alone. The thing is, I need direct help, and by direct I mean someone right in front of me who's watching over me because they care, and relentlessly slaps me in the face with reality whenever I fall back into the illusion, until this no longer happens.

And when I can finally get rid of it, I will be free.

Right now I wish I was a god so I could bring here that person who opened my eyes for some brief moments, and start working.

This is because coming out of the illusion for good will be the same as falling out of a nightmare, and I will need someone right there with me, helping me get back up and make my way through a reality I was never able to see, helping me begin my real life.

But the illusion won't let me do any of this, it wants to destroy everything and claim me for itself, and devour me until nothing is left. It won't let me see a solution even if it's right before my eyes, because it's a blinding light that blocks everything.

Someone has to force-drag me out of it, because I can't do it on my own, the illusion won't let me escape.

I don't really know why I wrote all this, but I figured it would help in some way, knowledge is always useful.

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Comment by Camoran on December 9, 2015 at 3:41pm

I have very few 'anchors'. No job yet, no relationship, nothing. Friends are few and we're having a hard time hanging out due to mismatched timetables, so I spend most of my time at home doing whatever comes to my mind, including DDing of course. I hate how there's always something wrong with my computer, but the frequent errors and crashes are one of the few things that 'pull me out', forcing me to focus on finding the problems and fixing them, otherwise I'd have just a huge useless metal box.
Since you asked, it has been affecting my memories severely at least since 2012. If I look back at any point between then and now, my memory is either distorted or completely overwritten by the fake shows my DDs put in place. I used to have a relationship in 2014, for example, which got slowly replaced by an idealized 'ghost' version, kicking the real deal out of my mind. Now all I remember is a huge corruption filled with fake happy faces and simulated feelings, thanks to which the pieces of real memories I do have are completely void of any significant meaning. Entire months thrown out of the window, and for what?

"Broken? I feel fine... # So did I, and look at me now!"

Comment by escapingreality on December 9, 2015 at 1:24am
I could use a slap in the face right now.
Have you got any external "anchors" at all? Like a job or anyone you have made a commitment to?
my teachers and classmates are my biggest motivators. If I wasn't on a course that demanded 100% engagement and focus, I wouldn't be able to do anything. My MDD would take over completely. I can't deliver 100%, I can barely deliver 50%, but the pressure to deliver at all keeps me chugging along, albeit miserably.
I'm interested to learn about how it affects your memories...
Comment by Camoran on December 7, 2014 at 10:49am
Which didn't work, it's gotten even worse, I'm having a hard time distinguishing reality from dream.
Is it because reality is garbage?
Comment by Camoran on November 23, 2014 at 6:18am
@Henry Thanks for answering, I might just give it a try though I think I'd get bored, but who knows. Right now I'm experimenting my own method for cornering dd, which is basically ticking every trigger and then enforce a no-dream state (in other words, killing the trigger), pretty much a zero tolerance, tabula rasa approach.
Comment by Henry on November 21, 2014 at 12:17am

I said almost everything to help you but nothing is working. Maybe you can try my favorite solution. Sharpen your mind by playing puzzle games or any games for your brain. It could be a Chess or sudoku etc...

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