Talking about love, or What if...

[Julie]

What if I fall in love with that man?

 

Love is a triumph of imagination over rationality. You lose control. You act irrationally. You do stupid things. You compromise, when you don't need to. You don't compromise, when you have to. You might run an emotional roller-coaster a.k.a. "I hate myself for loving you" or even "I love to hate you". You might get miserable "He's a drug addict, beats me, steals things from home but I won't leave him... because I love him".  You might get depressed a.k.a. "I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here?". You might get very depressed a.k.a. "If I show you my weak side, will you still hold me tonight?". Anyway. This is a matter of choice. You may date and even get married without true love, without passion. Yes, you get attached but not that much to lose control. Or, maybe, I'm totally evil and egoistic.

 

Ok. Too long introduction. Getting to the business. The question is can you imagine yourself in love with someone so vividly that you fall in love with that person? I mean: totally random person, whom you barely know and who's not even your type. I guess, I'm a freak as this happened to me. I stopped day-dreaming but allow my mind to wander, when I'm really bored and can't do what I want. So, I thought: what if I fell in love with someone? And then, like in Summer Night Dream, I fell in love with the first man I saw. Ok, not really, I forced myself to fall in love, found positive features, merged them in a "big picture" (sorry for business language) and realized that he's not bad at all. Then there was a storyline, and I liked it. And everything happened in a few hours.

 

Now I feel miserable as all those negative things from the introductory paragraph are waiting for me. I feel double miserable as this was not even sincere. I feel triple miserable because I broke my real relationship because of this and I couldn't even explain why. I feel quadruple miserable as this is the first time I'm in love and I have no idea how to handle it. And I feel five times miserable as this is not a mind game, this is day-dreaming again.

[Vendetta_Crazzed]

This keeps happening to me. All my life every single time. I was molested for 2 years because of it. there was a guy in highschool who i had a thing for, and im not sure how to explain it but the sex abuse worker called wut he did "corrsion" probably spelled differently. he was the first one i told about my daydream worl. and he used it against me and messed with my head so bad i didnt even relize what was happening. all of my daydreams involved him. and now years later since i removed him from them, i dont even know remember one good thing i ever saw in him. but point is i let my fictional version of him take over my mind.....and never saw the real thing untill i got hurt really bad

[Julie]

Thank you all for comments. Sometimes the best advise is to learn that others experienced the same, so at least I don't feel that much confused. Yesterday I tried to cool down and was trying SWOT technique applied to that guy (oh, poor mind brainwashed by business) - his Strengths, his Weaknesses, Opportunities from the relationship and Threats if it happens. This is bad to apply to people and it seemed to work as see him now as a subject for analysis, not passion. Indeed, with cold analysis he looks much worse when I imagined and I feel that my day-dream is evaporating. This makes me scared that I won't find any love as I'm approaching analytically even this delicate subject. But I probably should stop whining and wait. It seems not possible to work on love or develop it, so I'm just waiting. Good thing is that I broke a real on-off realtionship, I sincerely don't regret about it.

[Harry]

Even I have fallen in love with a real girl in my dreams. I know a few things about her true in real life. Rest of it I have imagined in my dreams. It seems so real because I try to put more and more details about her from real life as much as possible. So,I get confused myself sometimes whether it is purely fantasy or not. I have never spoken to this girl. I perhaps never will or atleast i do not think i will ever be in a relationship with this girl. I am hardly the guy i am in my dreams. I get confused whether to abandon it or not. It is after all a fantasy. This thought of abandoning it though triggers further daydreams where i am able to change myself and actually get in a relationship with her. This just keeps me dreaming about her for longer. Gives me false hope that I might 'really' get in a relationship with her. So,I just daydream more about her. But I am quite convinced it is just a fantasy and should be abandoned.

 

[Delorean Jones]

Haha, yeah I totally can. I liken it to taking off my glasses to make someone more attractive. Well, there's SOME good news. If you broke your relationship for this wondrous imaginary man then. You probably weren't that into the first guy to begin with. 

 

I think it's important not to put your rationality at odds with your imagination. I can totally relate in a much more geeky way ~ I broke up with someone I actually knew and had a great relationship with for some chick I knew on the internet. She didn't ask me to, mind you. I just felt so strongly for this mostly imaginary distant girl I couldn't focus on what was in front of me. There's no point in mulling over it, but. It's definitely something I wouldn't repeat.

 

You have great powers of imagination, with it you can turn frogs into princes. I don't think love is about imaginative transformation though. Maybe you should write down what you really KNOW about this person, and what you've kinda imbued him with. It's important to keep control over your fantastical powers of wishful thinking lest you be left with frog-y mates. An easy way to do this is to give things time. I kinda always figured If I find the girl of my dreams, I might FEEL love at first site, but i'd only date her when I KNEW. Your heart and your brain are both on your side, you know? I dunno. Hope it works out.

[Laurean]

Out of all the things you could start a relationship for, love is not only the worst one  but also short-lived.  Yes, love is error-prone, nevertheless, at its basis there's a real need, a craving for recognition that turns to boredom as your feelings are returned... later it's just sex and as you become more and more adaptable,  there's no real difference between partners.  As you grow up, safety, stability and material comfort will have a higher priority.

 

That is the normal course of events, yet from time to time I end up saying to myself: "there must be more to life than this!". There isn't. :)

[Julie]

And of course, he's not a celebrity, just a normal person whom I met recently. With a celebrity it would be easier as it would be classified immediately as "imaginary love" and stopped.

[Julie]

This is actually a problem. I can't distinguish if this is a super real dream or real love. The guy is real. I knew some things about him and I collected more information about him, talking to other people and from Internet (Facebook, LinkedIn, even some of his movies on YouTube). So, it's real at least partially. But to merge all the facts within a few hours takes imagination, so he's probably 50/50 real and imaginary. Also, the love itself is 50/50 real and imaginary or, maybe, more imaginary than real. It couldn't be like this - you tell yourself  "And now I'm to fall in love" and you do. But this is how it was. I know, it's wrong, normally one should either experience a stike of passion or slow development of attachment and this was none of them. I know, why it happened - I didn't want to feel so miserable, living for 26 years without experiencing a strike of romantic love or true attachment (although I was in relationships). The problem is that I got attached now to 50/50 real/imaginary person :(

[khaughey66]

Sorry I'm a bit confused.  Is the relationship that you've got going on with the guy that you made yourself fall in love with happening in real life or is it just a super real daydream?  I hope that question makes sense to you.