Where wild minds come to rest
Some time ago there was a Danish movie Adam's apples. It was about a priest, who was very happy and despite all bad things surrounding him, kept optimistic. He was radiating health, telling, how good his son was in soccer and at school and from time to time became a bit sentimental and sad, remembering his dead wifte (who had died accidentally because of choking). Then one of the characters discovers that the priest is terminally ill, his son is mentally and physically impaired and his wife has committed suicide because of this. The priest also knew this but pretended not to know. The character tells this to the priest many times and the priest gets back to reality and falls into depression.
There was also a Czech movie, which title I don't remember. It showed a few happy couples. In all the couples the wives were betraying their husbands. So, two couples broke and lived unhappy lives, children suffered, their joint ventures collapsed and so on. In one couple the husband decided to stay with his wife although he knew, the children were not his. And they lived happily ever after.
Why this ramble? Today was the first time I cried at work, after four years. I survived without day-dreaming for 5 weeks and can't get back to it. I'm looking at life realistically now. And I'm not sure, if this is a good job for me, if these people are the ones I was looking for and so on. I just realized that I'm not doing magic, I'm just doing some forecasting and some budgets optimization. I saw that I'm the only person so excited about budgets optimization and for all others it's not a mind game, it's just work. I just realized that my boss is unpredictable and undisciplined. She just forgot about the conference call and I had to lead it on her (silent alignment) behalf. I just realized that my department head is not even half as smart as I thought. I had a complicated puzzle to solve, got lost and asked him for help. He was staring at the excels and saying all the time "I don't get it", "I will take it home to solve". Please. The smartest man for me doesn't get it. And then he left home and said, he will think this in the evening and I realized, he still doesn't have the answer. And I was leaving the office, crying like an idiot. The worst thing is that I can't even blame them because they were part of my imagination.
I don't know. I'm lost now. I should quit but I don't know what else to do. Another job will be just a job, no magic. I thought it was magic, partially reality, partially my imagination. I believed in this career bullshit that a perfect job is the one you like + the one you good at + the one well paid. It seemed the right choice.
One thing is still unexplained. How didn't they notice that I was not only living but also working in fairy tale world? People at work knew about my day-dreaming but thought it didn't apply to working hours. Why living in a fairy tale was so much appreciated and called "integrity", "purpose", "values", led to promotion, rating in top (single digit %) and salary classifying the one among top (double digit, below twenty %) earners?
Is our whole company (c'mon tens thousands of people around the world) living in a fairy tale?