Strange and painful couple of days :(

I've been in a sorry state the last couple of days ><. Went round my brother and his girlfriend's new house. Had a lovely time but it would have been even better if my wisdom teeth weren't causing me excruciating pain :'(. Had to have soup at one point and put up with some horrendous pain for a couple of days. Finally got to the dentist today and it turns out that I have a slight infection that requires antibiotics. Also have to rinse it with a syringe full of medicated solution :/. 

Also, I found out something while I was away. Some idiot rammed into my mum at the shops with a trolley because he wasn't looking where he was going and he then proceeded to get in my mums face and yell abuse at her. Without going into the awful details too much, apparently the C word was used at least 14 times at he also called her a fat S word. I was absolutely fuming when I found out. I started having violent daydreams while around my brother and his girlfriend which is a weird first. I started daydreaming  that I smacked the guy in the face which is totally out of character for me. I started almost having mini convulsions where I was so angry and almost acting out my daydreams of hitting this person. 

It's got me thinking, it's strange. I always used to be so afraid until recently. When I had a huge row with my mum over that girl I was seeing, something changed inside of me. I have become more short tempered and more inclined to stand my ground and fight rather than run away. My mum said to me that I couldn't face the fact that when I looked into the mirror my mum was who I would see staring back at me. I was horrified that I could be like someone I regard as so inappropriately angry. Now I am starting to believe it's true. I feel it, like something has switched on inside of me. Like some kind of gene has activated. I have somehow over this last month given up some of my placid temperament and acquired my mums blunt attitude towards people who annoy me. I don't know whether to be happy at standing up for myself or concerned....

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Comment by Aaron Wolfie on June 6, 2014 at 7:29am

I agree, I guess I feel slightly upset that I don't feel as placid as I used to no more.  I prided myself on my docile nature. I hope it is a happy balance. You are right I don't have it in me to be a violent person. I am incredibly considerate of other people's feelings. I think you are right I think it's just that pendulum :). Plus I think the whole thought of someone hurting your family is enough to turn the stomach of anyone, so maybe it was a natural response xx

Comment by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on June 5, 2014 at 5:06pm

Well, the pendulum swings back and forth until it settles around the middle.  You went from it swinging one way, where you were perhaps overly-passive and let yourself be bullied, and now it may be swinging in the opposite direction, but it will swing back and forth until you find your happy balance.  That's often how things go.  I think that it's a good thing that things are stirring within you.  You need to learn to stand up for yourself.  I don't recommend getting into big fights with bullies, as you may end up looking as foolish as they do, but you shouldn't let yourself be pushed around either.  Rage can be dangerous, but I don't think you have it in you to be dangerous.  I think your pendulum is just swinging.  You'll get to the middle.  Hang in there.  

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