Ever since I started daydreaming when I was five years old, I have based most of my daydreams on books, movies, and tv shows.  I never daydreamed about real people.  I did, however, struggle with feelings that my daydreams made me a freak or that I was irresponsible for allowing myself to indulge in this fantasy.  Over the years, I tried to stop on several occasions, but it never lasted for long.

About a year ago, my sophomore year of college, I learned about MD and discovered this website.  Suddenly, I didn't feel like a freak.  I still had a desire to stop daydreaming, but it was more of a practical issue than a shameful issue. 

My daydreaming has actually gotten a lot better since I have been in college.  I started avoiding some of the books that triggered my daydreams, which took away a lot of my passion for daydreaming.  Meanwhile, I became very interested in some academic subjects, which helped to keep me distracted.  Still, I never completely stopped daydreaming.  I still daydreamed about my book-based fantasy world sometimes, and actually, my academic interests sometimes triggered daydreams in which I would talk to random people about crazy things like Arabic morphology.  Still, these daydreams didn't bother me as much as the ones of my childhood did.

Amazingly, in the past several months, I have found my niche in a social group here at college.  Honestly, I can only attribute this to the grace of God; for the first time since early elementary school, I actually feel like I have a good group of friends.  This helped my daydreaming a lot.  I still daydreamed some, but not as much as when I spent all of my time by myself.

So, in generally, until a few months ago, I would have said I was doing really well managing my daydreams.  They no longer controlled my life or caused me significant emotional distress.  I thought I had overcome.  And pride comes before the fall.

A few months ago I met a guy who, although I don't want to admit it, I think I might be in love with.  I refuse to say that we are really in love because there are a few extreme issues keeping us apart, and I don't know when if ever those issues will be resolved.  In the meantime, we are "just friends!"  

And in the meantime, I daydream about him.  All the time.  At first I didn't notice it; I thought I was just thinking about him because we are friends, and of course I like to think about my friends.  But in the past few weeks I have come to realize that these are unmistakably daydreams.  This is where my mind goes whenever I get bored and cease to guard my thoughts.  I make up all sorts of stories and situations in which the issues separating us are resolved and we are able to be together. I will go through the same story over and over in my mind, adjusting little details, dwelling on certain sweet parts, getting wrapped up in the emotional rush.  And then I come to my senses and realized what I am doing. 

I can't believe I am doing this!  I thought it was bad when my daydreams revolved around fictional characters from fantasy novels; now I am doing the same with with a real person, one of my very close friends!  I play with the details of his life, imagining what is going to happen to him (and us) in the future.  It twists and distorts the way that I feel about him, so that I actually feel a little confused sometimes when I talk to him in real life.  I have never been boy crazy; I never would have imagined that a guy could get inside my head like this.  It is stressful enough having to deal with all of the real-life issues in our relationship.  Now, I have these crazy daydreams that keep me thinking about him all the time.

Maybe it is not all negative.  I think my daydreams have given me a canvas to do some deep thinking about him and me and our relationship.  It has shown me some things that I did not realize before about our situation.  It has helped me imagine some possible outcomes and anticipate some situations that we might face in the future.  If any of the conversations I have though out actually did take place someday, may I would be glad that I had been through them so many times in my head so that I am prepared.

Still, I feel a little bit defeated right now.  Not permanently defeated.  I am a Christian, and I believe that I can doing anything through God's grace.  I believe that there is a purpose for ever trail, including this one.  But is frustrating to see myself slipping back into the world of intense daydreaming.  I thought I had overcome this, and now it is staring all over again, even worse now than before.

Sorry to end on a depressing note :(  I just needed to vent.  Thanks for reading.

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Comment by Angel on April 28, 2011 at 9:03am
Vent away, the blog here is good for that!  I've noticed for myself that I will daydream a lot more when there is a situation that is seemingly impossible to overcome.  Like the one you are in now.  Since you mentioned your faith, I think its alright to tell you something a co-worker once told me from the Bible.  With faith the size of a mustard seed you can move mountains.  Whatever happens, I believe that you will make it through.

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