Persona Vs Real Life, and my story

When I was 7, my parents divorced. While I don't remember if it affected me or not, I do remember developing MD in that same year. It helped me a lot to distract from everything, and I built up this persona in my mind where I had freedom and power. 

As I grew older, my MDs made me feel like I was invincible. This took a hit to my social skills and awareness, and led me to get bullied once I entered high school. I thought that if I became my persona in my daydreams, the everyone would like me, just like the people in my daydreams did, and my life would be perfect. Sadly that's not how things work, and I couldn't reinvent myself with little freedom or power. The bullying got worse, until I got really depressed one year. I was 13, and rarely left the house. I isolated myself and spent my time spiralling, crying and maladaptive daydreaming. I struggled a lot, and the only place I felt accepted was in my daydreams. Where I could be pretty and popular and take revenge on my bullies. It was violent, and it still is tbh.

I moved schools, and it's taken me years to recover from that depression. I've built up my social skills, gone through friend groups, made friends and enemies, until finally, I have some self esteem and friends. I'm happy with where I am, or at least I think I am. My MD has been getting much worse lately, taking up a lot more time. I don't have time to study, to complete assignments, to talk with people after school, etc. Lately my daydreams have been about proving people wrong, that I'm popular and cool and confident. Which maybe means I'm not happy right now? 

My daydreams have always been about proving people wrong. Proving to people that I'm capable, strong, confident, know my worth, and ruthless, but I'm not. And it's difficult to wait for me to catch up with who I imagine myself to be. I hate it, and I tell myself I'm gonna stop, but I can't. I never do. 

I really want to talk to people on this website, since I spent my whole life thinking I was weird, that I don't fit in, or that it's just me doing this. When I found out I wasn't crazy, that there was a name and community for it, I cried. I'm so happy to be here, and I'm happy I'm not alone :)

I'm gonna keep posting on this lil blog thing, even though I'm not too sure if many people are still active on here. But if you are, I would love to hear your story and chat!! Thank you for reading mine :)

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Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 29, 2023 at 1:39pm

I never would've thought of it as a kid that I'd be stuck in a rut today as an adult. I thought I was going to thrive in a career! I never realized how extremely important it was not to daydream. I should've got serious and concentrated on where I wanted to be in 25 years time. I decided to engulf myself in MD, and thought it was telling me my future will be better than ever. I fell behind, LOST, and got nothing. Now I'm in a pickle I'm fighting to escape. I'm an artist, but it doesn't pay the bills, and I don't even live in my own place. It's horrible. It's definitely not a dream come true. I always wonder what the heck I was thinking. My parents worked very hard to get the lives they have today, and so is my sister. But it's like I'm this looney toon that doesn't see that. Probably because I used to be entitled. Now I have to save myself. 

Comment by prettysoul on October 27, 2023 at 3:46pm

I'm super glad you joined this forum, welcome! I accepted your friend request so if you want to chat, just leave a message :)

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 24, 2023 at 7:28am

Honestly, the persona of my dreams is well liked by everyone, and my life is interesting. In reality, my life isn't funny, I am struggle and not happy at all. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 24, 2023 at 6:57am

When I was a teenager, I was just like you. I yearned for attention, friends, and esteem. I used my MD to cope with this, but it only did more harm than good. Ultimately, it greatly impacted my whole life, and my adulthood barely recovered. To this day, I'm staggering to earn my independence. I still don't have any friends. Matter of fact, my real life sucks the big one. I wish that I never did MD, because it blew everything out of proportion, made people think I'm unhinged and some of my relatives now distrust me. I made a mess of everything without even realizing it, not it's extremely hard to break free. 

Comment by Dee Wards on October 23, 2023 at 9:43pm

I just saw this.  I will respond tomorrow.

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