Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I notice when I do to the kitchen, and my mom always strikes up a conversation about politics, or it's about my daily habituals and health problems. I begin to feel very annoyed and want to get away. I don't carry the conversation, I just listen, and before she's done, I'm already walking away. 

I wonder if maybe everybody I've ever met in the past, found me rude and bitchy, and abhorred. I didn't want to TALK. I didn't want to strike up a conversation. I didn't really want to interact with them. So they gave me hell about it. They stopped liking me at all. That's how I failed to make good friends and relationships, plus I hid in my shell and lived in my own world. So I basically made myself miss out. 

By the way. Are you still blogging in this post? I've noticed you're not coming back.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think I chose the wrong career...I don't feel driven. I'm not hearing back from employers either. I find it a huge concern. I'm aiming to find something before Christmas, but what are the odds? 

I decided I might not be attending a program in the winter. I'm not impressed by those programs the government is providing. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I've come to a conclusion. Real life will never look like my MD, ever. I feel like I blew everything away, by living in my head too long. Heck knows where I'll be down the road. You think things are going to get better, they don't. Unless you do something about it yourself, for real. Those year that went by could've been way better if I hadn't been daydreaming and payed attention to my existing life. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

LOL. I post a lot. 

I'm just thinking, if I finally found my partner, he would be just like me or he'd be a mirror soul. 

It's no wonder I got frustrated looking at the wrong guys my whole life. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

So, did you manage to get a job? 

I'm still unemployed and searching, believe it or not. It like the Never Ending Story. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm shocked that I still live with my parents at 35. Most people my age do not have that problem. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

On top of that, I believed in my own daydreams...and I should've woken up, well in advance, and realize nothing works out of daydreams...not even friends and relationships. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel so stupid. I definitely should've focused on ME and where I am going. I never should've relied on the prospect of being saved by someone. A person like me is going to be on her own, for quite a while. I don't think anybody was aware of the fact that I was "there." I never even told anybody how I felt about everything and what I wanted. They all just noticed that I didn't talk. I mean, I was invisible. 

The whole thing is so stupid...I should've done more for myself—way more. Between my mom and I, things just went south. I kick myself for not being more serious, and listening to other people's important advise. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My problem with me is that I don't express myself, so people just think I'm dumb. I simply do not talk! Much. I come out being so boring and uninteresting, and stupid looking. It's not an attractive trait. People ignore me or they think I don't speak and understand English. I'm like a gnome. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

An important thing didn't come to my mind. What if it's all up to me and nobody will be there? We watch movies, and it fills us with hope that we'll find love. It's honestly a crock of shit. It doesn't work for everybody, especially for those who can't attract others.