Where wild minds come to rest
Darkness to Discipleship.
Ever since I was a child, my imagination has been extensive.
As a kid, I had not just one imaginary friend, but a whole tribe.
An imaginary baboon tribe.
Being a child my imagination had the freedom to run wild.
I’d write letters in baboon language
Run around the fresh green grass, leading my “tribe” to safety.
Even leave my sister to play with my imaginary friends instead.
But every child dreams, and so no harm was seen.
With time, surely this habit would be weaned.
Then I moved to Georgia, and had to make new friends.
Shy and quiet in a scary new place I sought comfort,
ways to spend my time.
Into my room I would retreat,
draw Disney princesses and imagine silly daydreams.
They started out as fairy tales-but soon turned quite grim.
For I sought adventure, and I sought thrill,
I’d imagine myself a princess; in a tower, in a jungle, trapped, or in adventure.
I’d have to find a way to escape, to save someone, to find the secret treasure.
Harmless daydreams I said they were.
Ways to pass time and nothing more-
As one may say it’s just dark clouds, or a slight breeze,
I didn’t see the storm brewing,
It was far off in the seas.
Little by little I lost control,
And the darkness settled in.
Now to pass time…and to fall asleep as well.
I’d daydream more and more.
The stories grew richer, and slowly more intense.
No longer a princess, I was now myself.
But the loss of a princess meant the loss of a prince, and the demons entered in.
Adventures became kidnappings, and my mind became quite dark.
I began to feel uneasy, but really had no clue,
It’s just a daydream right? What harm could it do?
Of course I was in school, and who really loves class?
I’d get quite bored and so I’d daydream to help the time pass.
More and more of my life was slowly slipping away.
Clouds grew darker
Yet I was still unaware.
I drifted freely through my dreams-yet bleeding, unknowingly letting sharks know I was there.
I felt quite uneasy, as my daydreams grew more dark.
I was a victim of a kidnapping, by some nasty men.
Beaten, raped and tortured, and it never seemed to end.
In class, in bed, in my room, at my desk; I daydreamed all day long.
I told myself it would end. Surely by next year…or next…or next…or next…
What started as a daydream sadly soon came true.
I was a prisoner—of my mind.
Of a daydream with no end.
The sea of my brain was a hurricane,
Winds and waves, lightning and thunder
I couldn’t escape, even in the water, sharks were circling round.
Everywhere I looked more triggers were found.
I screamed and fought, distraught beyond belief.
The winds scattered all sense of hope,
The sharks tore in to my brain with their terrifying teeth.
“Help me Lord!” I would cry out but still feel so alone.
I sat there in my blood and tears, scared and confused.
why? Why? WHY? WHY!?
I was so abused.
My mind controlled me and I hated it.
My daydreams I despised.
Imagination was an awful thing and it led to my demise.
I hated it
Alone I’d scream and shout and cry
WHY GOD WHY!?!
MAKE IT STOP
MAKE IT END
But they’d press on and on and I was giving in.
I’d try to stop—
Maybe succeed, but only for the time being.
They’d come back stronger
All I’d done was move to the eye of the storm.
I couldn’t get out
They tore into me causing me to doubt.
I found a community—
Alas, not ALONE!!!
…wait…so many were in love,
Cherishing their “gifts”
This was the WORST thing of my LIFE!
I wanted it terminated!
I hated by brain.
Hated my imagination.
Hated a part of myself.
I’d pray and pray and keep strong faith,
I was a person of joy and love
With a God who loves,
He’d deliver me for sure—
Still they never ended.
I lost hope
I couldn’t float.
I’d resist—but they’d tear me down.
And beat me,
It was as though God was nowhere to be found.
But I perused
Deliver me Lord
I need you.
But not my will but yours—
I don’t understand—
I'm scared and confused—
So I simply place my trust in you.
And then the storm subsided.
I felt his touch—
He was there and that was enough.
Through fervent prayers
And perilous fights—
He delivered me from my fearful night.
He took me in, and held me close.
He’s not abstract, he’s not a ghost.
He’s real and present.
My Lord and Savior.
Loving me despite my failures.
He created me with such great joy,
My mind he would not destroy.
I began to understand,
My imagination—was part of his plan.
A beautiful gift
A precious trait,
For it greatly strengthened my faith.
I enter prayer now and feel him there.
I imagine him sitting next to me—
Hear his voice and feel his love.
My darkness is gone
I enter discipleship with the Lord,
No more daydreams—
But real. True. And fervent prayer.
What was despised,
For through it—
I know my LORD.