Lost, I guess. Summary of the past few weeks.

[Taylor]

I apologize in advance for jumping around and making little sense.

A few weeks ago, I met someone online and was talking to them quite a bit for a few days. It was definitely in "real me" fashion, and as a result, the dding stopped in its usual fashion. I guess I was having DDs about this person. They were kind of brief, I guess. I have a hard time just "doing things" without envisioning it as something seen through the eyes as someone spying on me, and its a bit more fabricated than it really is, but based on real things, I guess. It was a form of DDing, but a bit of real life was occurring so I ignored it. I don't talk to this person anymore and the DDs started back up again. 

As far as my real feelings, I originally wrote this blog post to address how I just feel lost and stuck, I guess. I deleted my Facebook because I hated looking at people having lives. I hated seeing how people had friends and did silly little things and how they seemed to like each other so much and that I didn't have that. I felt like I had to get over this point in my life by deleting my Facebook, so I did. I'll admit that I occasionally log back on because it was a bit of my DD fuel. It was where I found people to base my DDs off of, experiences, etc. I did it tonight and I regretted it because not long into it, I started feeling as if the DD me was not good enough for the people they were with. My DDs are usually done in an observation point. Third person, and usually through the eyes of someone looking into "dd me"s life. I felt as if the observer would think that DD me wasn't as good as I wanted her to be so I got cluttered because I guess it hit me because they are my rl feelings about myself.

I also go onto a blogging website that also lowers my self-esteem because I feel as if everyone is better than me. I look at peoples blogs and get upset that my life doesn't appear like that. I wish I had a carefree, woryrfree life and that I was more interesting that I am. This is also the reason why my DDs are the way they are. I tend to be the one to observe things and wish I had such an experience or was a certain way, so I always imagine that there was a person who would observe me and admire everything that DD me did because I guess I wished that people saw me in that sort of light. I don't even get much attention on the internet. I guess it makes me feel upset because it reminds me of my real life. I get worried because I haven't done the same as others my age.

I guess you can say that my entire life is revolved around comparing myself to other people. 

I guess I just want to say it somewhere because I guess the more I try to say it I feel like I"m filling myself more, but I'm not. I just feel empty and I don't even know what to do anymore. I doubt there is anything even wrong with me

I need to go to sleep, but I guess I just need to write everything down

good night

[roxanne]

You sound like a lovely person.  You can't compare yourself to others.  They probably aren't having nearly as much fun as they say they are on Facebook.  Look for something you or your DD character (or both, as I would do) find something that really interests you.  Do volunteer work with animals or at a hospital.  Develop a skill in a sport.  Join a political action group - lots of young people there.  Join a Church or church social group - explore what religion means to you or just meet other people in a safe way.  Catholics have Peace & Justice groups at some church in your area - you don't have to be catholic to join.  They help the homeless, fight racism, help immigrants from Africa ( remember The Lost Boys?)  Anything that gets you out & makes you seem more interesting/ valuable to yourself.