Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
I apologize in advance that this may be a little messy. I'm not sure where to start.
I've always been indecisive and afraid of settling. It takes me forever to make some rather trivial decisions such as the things I want and the things I want to experience. Sometimes I feel as if my daydreams have caused this by taking out my "identity," so to speak, and that I want to be very careful with who I "really" am. I always wished that I would "be me" naturally; as in no hesitations when it comes to silly things like clothing, music, how to speak to other people, introductions on the internet, etc. I'm not even sure how to do that anymore.
Let's use a DD as an example. Now, as I've said in previous entries, I base my DDs off people I've met or people I've come across on the internet through people I've known, or through blogging websites. I use experiences or the person themself as inspiration for the things I do in my daydreams and the people I associate with in my daydreams. Naturally, as my method of discovering this is by browsing through social networking sites and being observant and admiring the things I find, I base my DDs in a similar fashion. That some person who does not know DD me, but is similar to irl me, is fascinated with DD me and stalks DD me. Anyway, when I'm out, I either DD about being at that place and documenting it, or just DD about other things. Today, I went to the mall with my mother and I was DDing that I lost my mother in a department store and that I was tweeting about it to all of my friends. I also was DDing about having a job in said department store. I know, that sounds lame, but that's how I've always done it because I have kept myself inside for the past few years.
On that note, I feel as if I have missed out in a way. I don't mean that as in actually hanging out with people, or going to dances, or any other high school thing I never did. I don't regret that. I mean that in the sense that I feel as if not doing those things, not having a job, etc have caused me to not fully develop or something. Many people who meet me guess that I am about 14 - 16 (I'll be 18 in 2 weeks). I do look young, but I assume that I act younger than I am. I most likely come off as naive and unassertive. I don't know how I can make that up. People have always told me that if I would "pretend that I have confidence" that I would eventually "get" it and that it would work. I don't know exactly how that would work. For one thing, if I pretended that I had myself together, wouldn't the real me come out eventually? Similar has happened before, but I think that is a tad different and that I couldn't compare it. Secondly, no matter what, I usually feel as if people are judging me. Yesterday I walked to the store and I felt as if people on the street were staring at me as well as the people in the store. I feel like that everywhere. I have a staring habit, but I try to control it. I'm genuinely interested in people, and also more recently, I just feel a bit down when I see that a person seems to have themself together when I don't even know what I'm doing myself.
I start college in two weeks. I am going to a community college because I wanted to sort myself out before I actually left the house, and also because I was afraid. I used to think that if I just sucked it up and actually left for college, that I would learn to adjust, but I've realized/thought that it may not actually work that way, so I decided to just stay here for the time being. Now that it's getting closer to everyone leaving, I start to wonder if I should have actually gone for it. But I don't think so. I probably would have made friends easier than going to the school I will go to, and I may be able to focus more on my work. I'm just afraid that I will just slack off like I did in high school, and that it would be too difficult for me. I'm not expecting to make friends because I know that CCs are usually an "in and out" type of thing. I feel as if I may be missing out on something, but at the same time it may not work out the way I think it would. I think I will take this time to start therapy and begin to fix everything before I decide what I want to do with myself.
That's half of my confusion in regards to experiences. My other confusion lies in the idea of friends. I never had friendships that I really enjoyed. I never felt very comfortable with people, and from things I've seen from other people, I wish I had friends like that. However, I will never know if their friendships are the way I see them, or if they are actually similar to the ones I've had and disliked. At the same time, there is nothing to me and I'm boring. I can't attract the type of people I feel as if I would enjoy. People also seem to drain me. So honestly, I don't know if I want friends or not. I also feel as if I try to be more social, that I"m abandoning something. I guess I have a difficulty with leaving a certain place because I feel as if I can't go back or that I "changed."
Well, I should go to bed now. I do apologize for the mess and I hope that if makes sense. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far.