Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
Hey Everyone, I haven't been on here for a long time but I've been having some deep thoughts so I was just wondering if many of you feel the same way. Do you guys ever feel as if your entire life is fake? I feel like the only place of comfort is in my own room. I go to the grocery store, I feel insecure. I feel like everyone's watching me but somehow I pull myself out of that feeling of insecurity. I feel like I can't be my true self with anybody. Nobody truly knows me. They only know the a few bits and parts that make me. They think I'm a "simple", quiet, "innocent" girl but not many people know how much of a complex person I am. I don't have many people to share my feelings or thoughts with. Sure I can be my silly self with my mom at times, but I can't tell her everything. And as for my friends, I feel so detached from them. They say if you truly care for someone, you will make time for them. It shouldn't be an obligation. But with me, it's always somehow been a chore. I always find every excuse in the book to avoid having sleep overs because I just can't stand to be or live around other people. I'm an only child living with a single mother by the way. Sure I care for my friends but can I be myself with them at my full ability? I can't. I will be happy every day, because I go to school, come home and do whatever I want in my room and most of the time that includes studying or daydreaming, writing, or looking stuff up in the internet(I'm a very curious person). My mom never forces me to do chores because she knows I have the poorest time management skills. But just the moment, I'm put in a social situation for a little too long, all my insecurities, my past, bad memories all seem to come back. I'll think so negatively that it's like these situations literally drain me and make me feel like shit. If I'm in a social situation with too many people for too long, I will come home feeling like shit. It's like there are some bad memories that I have which I don't think about ever but the moment I'm placed in a social situation, it's like reality hits me. I'm so vulnerable. And I've noticed this about myself. I tend to build a larger exterior wall around me for everytime someone says something hurtful to me. And it's ridiculous.
Sometimes, let's say I'm doing something with a friend and she criticizes me on something that I did. Next time, we do the same exact task, I'll avoid doing it or simply let her do it even if I know I can do it well. I know I am an HSP(highly sensitive person). We tend to underperform in front of people. But I absolutely hate it.
My maladaptive daydreaming is also getting in the way of my school. I used to get amazing grades but my grades aren't as good as they were last year. I never want to go to bed on time and I never want to go to school. And I've produced a habit of going to school late all the time and I hate it. I just don't like doing anything anymore. My head is not in my work.
And I don't know. Life just sucks. This week was the prom for the grade twelves. And I was actually thinking about how my prom will be next year. I just feel like prom will be a wreck for me. It would be another situation where I realize that I'm a failure. I know I'll feel inferior and feel as if everyone's united, having fun, had great four years of high school, made friends, was known, had fun while it lasted except for me. That's how I feel every year on my birthday. I always feel like another year has passed me by and I wasted it and I have absolutely nothing to be proud of. In my daydreams I have this idealized version of myself and she's nothing like who I am in real life. I'm getting older and older but I don't know if I'll ever be her. I wish one day, I get as confident, beautiful, and strong as her. I just don't know when that day will come.