Introduction!

[Sally]

Hi guys!

So, I'm writing this quite late in the night and I am unable to sleep. I am an insomniac and it suprises me everyday how well i am able to cope on such little sleep. When I explained MD to my partner he suggested that continuous day dreaming and insomnia may somehow be linked? Whats your opinion on this? I am riddled and plagued by MD at the moment, I think for any addict we suffer phases where we feel we cannot cope, that there is a whirlwind that has taken over our lives and taken any control we have from it. Other times, we may enjoy our addictive behaviours. We must be one of the few support groups for addicts where were all continuing to 'use' our drug.

So, I know that when I was about 7 I had one of these moments, where i could no longer cope with my addiction. At that time in my life my fantasies were very pirate based. I think partly because I believed pirates kept loads of cats and parrots, so i lived on a strange pirate ship with the cats and parrots and the pirates, and we all loved each other very much and it was a massive, fun family. Unlike real life which had none of those components. If i think hard enough, sometimes there was pirate men who were scary and intimidating in a fearsome way that only a small girl can ever feel. I know that I must of been suffering for a while because I remember I had it before I moved house a few years earlier. I was still on the pirate ship then. Despite having never travelled, I imagined the feel of a boat swooshing around the ocean. So what happened when i was approximately 7 is I told my mum about these obsessive dreams.Only absolute naivety and complete lack of undersanding that you have when your a child, along with isolation from any one else who could of helped me would drive a person to do such a thing, because my mum was completely nuts. I mean she was talking to her hands, pretending she was the devil, shouting, she never slept, she would be throwing pans at walls til the early hours, she was repeatedly sectioned but never sectioned enough really, and I was an only child, and she was a single parent. So I remember her using it in her manic, maddening, fuelled mumbo jumbo nonsense talk, she told anyone and everyone, often shouting to the rooftops that I have a problem. People who have very serious problems that is very clear to everyone like to put the blinders on themselves that they in fact suffer from the affliction in order ot cope with it, but then both devour and shun anyone who has a similar problem, and that was what my mum was like. So, I was in fact bullied and harassed by her at any opportune moment, often publically in order for her to keep this idealised version of herself that bore absolutely zero  reflection of reality, which had similarities to MD but my mum actually did believe she was in a lesbian relationship with the queen. Everybody must of thought, well, no suprise there really that your kid has issues. I mean, I looked like i had issues, very over weight and wearing dirty clothes. I felt that I could not physically cope in my environment. One of my obsessions when i was very young was wanting to die, I didnt have the concept of suicide i was too young. When  i was 5 i gave myself a serious head injury in a failed attempt. At that time, I lived in a house with no carpets or wallpaper, but she had taken my crayons and drawn all over the wall and smeared her period blood everywhere. Oh, and electricity was very intermittent.  I was seriously bullied with nobody there to contextualise it or make it ok, or do anything about it. We both were seriously bullied. Oh, and she's blind as well. I think thats partly why I'm so literate, because I had to compensate by being able to read well from a young age. I'm also an excellent cook because of it. Everybody from my area is in jail and seemingly incompetent at everything. Because I didnt live in reality I wasn't socialised by it. I was a massive book addict when i was little as well, partly because we didnt have a TV.

So, after that I've continued to suffer, but i've put the absolute blinders on myself over it and I've refused to really think about MD or admiit it to myself that I really have this problem. Its such a funny thing to be consumed by something that you just don't recongise the existence of. The human mind is such a wonderous thing, even though mine is obviously completely broken I'm so impressed by the complexity of its brokenness. I've also lost control of my drinking habits also. I am currently sober, I'm not drunk all the time or anything. I just wish i was drunk all the time, but you have a lot more control with alcohol, (not to condescend alcoholism , i understand its very serious, and please note that I didn't define myself 'alcoholic'). I think part of the appeal of drinking is because I find day dreaming so laborious and burdensome and repetetive, like literally its the same people, the same things said, the same scenarios over and over. All alcohol does is inebriates you, I think i still experience MD but I'm no longer bored out of my wn mind by it. I just keep adding more and more cats. Oh, and is this same dream that I've been having since I was 8. Yes, things have obviously evolved and adapted and changed and so on. But i know that when I went to London Zoo i was thinking the world had become uninhabitable and that these vampire  alients come down to earth and were put in this magic portal spacecraft that can contain the whole population of mankind, except magic happens there and its a bit different from the reality we experience.

I had a big breakdown a while ago, and finally googled what was happening to me and took accountability. I honestly, could not believe there are other people who suffer this. I had suffered so much alienation and self loathing thinking i was the onnly one. And I did get a bit interested in the forum, i think actulally there has been some major changes in my life since discovering this forum where I've realised whats happening to me and therefore taken some decisive action. Am i cured? is it any better? no. I've had momentary tingles where im in my body and experiencing what iits like to be sally. Which , to be fair thats a bit of a breakthrough. Personally, i think buddhism could really help us because we dont experience being in our body and bodily sensations very easily, so its about really focusing your mind on basic things that we forget exist because were in a convoluted mega drama that spans universes and we don't really care about how were breathing. Its also reallly focused on disciplining your mind. and yeah, were going to be the worst at it to begin with , and yeah it will take us way longer to learn but i thinki its got definite potential. Also, being british i don't really care for gods, religions and afterlifes. Whereas in the version that i practise one of the people leading explained rebirth as you are continously in control of your actions, and your very next action can act as a rebirth into the next. Ie, actions have control over our emotional and much higher state than that, and therefore to be mindful. And I'm often too dreamy to be aware of what my body is doing, but i control what my body is doing, and really focus then i can stop the dreaming.

Sometimes, I think are we people who cannot effectively handle stress and therefore end up in this situation. Like theres people who effectively handle stress, setbacks, challenges, who live in great, envious environments and live these great lives...because there go getters who can set goals and go for them. and then theres the people who don't have that. And when faced with stress i tend to recoil and think i'm not 'mentally well' enough to deal with it. Even though i'm vvery confident seeming and charasmatic, i don't show any signs of not being 'mentally well' (any more). It can be something really basic that i've done 1000 times, if you add stress into the mix i'm a mess and i start down the whole "i'm a mess, my whole life is a mess, oh god everything is out of control" mantra, which is essentially correct. Thats a very valid portrayl of my life, because, I don't live my life so i've let it go to rack and ruin. I dont set myself goals "because i fail at everything" and there is no point. Partly because i drink so much. But its a chicken vs. egg , are we how we are because we suffer MD and its made our lives collapse and cascade around us, or are we MD because our lives are too stressful for us to bear. You dont have to of gone through trauma to not be able to effectively handle stress, either. Its merely a  perceived issue. So MD will have an impact on how we react to it. I   feel at this point i have complex PTSD with few flash backs after sucessful EMDR therapy, but i identify more with MD... partly because i stopped having flashbacks a few years agom but PTSD is like my whole personality and whats come to define me for so long its like if i lost it i would loose me. I have created a version of it that seamlessly fits like some quirky personality rather than a mental disorder.

I also believe MD is creates a very strange sense of self, identity and ego. Ego depletion, its like we've chosen to erase ourselves from reality.

Also, i was thinking after reading http://www.wakefieldexpress.co.uk/news/local-news/the-indoor-genera... , did anyone grow up not really leaving the house? do the kids described in that article sound like there probably going to grwo up unfit for reality and probably go into an MD stasis??

Cheers for reading guys, just got so much on my chest recently.

Take care

[Fallen Messenger]

I don't think those kids are at much of a risk since they don't have the obsession that we sadly do, plus those kids may or may not accept reality, which I believe is the sole cause of MD, so those kids individually may or may not have that phycological problem with them.

[MatthewR]

 I think MD is like a shell that grows around us to protect us from pain and loneliness. I think your daydreaming helped you survive some pretty awful circumstances. To save yourself you had to remove yourself by turning inward. I also believe that what you say about stress is true, that some people are just more prone to anxiety than others. Some people deal with shame, others with anger. I think people who suffer with anxiety try to cope the best they can. I'm glad you shared your story. Take care, Sally

[maro]

I also believe MD is creates a very strange sense of self, identity and ego. Ego depletion, its like we've chosen to erase ourselves from reality.........smart phrase :)