Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
Hello, my name is Taylor. I'm going to apologize in advance that this may be a long introduction and that it may jump around to different things quickly.
I have probably been daydreaming for most of my life. When I was a kid, it was simple games of "pretend" that I would play by myself quietly, etc. It was usually just characters I made up in their own little worlds.
My daydreams started becoming about myself when I was about 11 or so. I had a crush on someone in my class (I was the "unpopular"/outcasty kid in school) and I would imagine that we would have this little six-grader-esque relationship. However, it then began to turn into not just that particular situation, but paired up with imagined friendships with ''popular kids'' and that I was one of them. When I was in 7th grade, the same happened. 8th grade was the same, but I began to pair up the stories of 7th grade with it.
I continued to do this throughout high school. I would use people from school (and I feel extremely weird admitting this) or people from my area that I found on Facebook through mutual friends. I would open up word documents and type up conversations between me and a friend or mine, or arguments, or blog entries about my daydream life. As of now, I have 3 different daydreams that I alternate between. The first one started my freshman year of high school, and I pretty much got bored with it because I always dreamed it a year ahead (if I ever go into this one, it's usually years ahead of when it started). The second one started halfway through my junior year of high school. The third one started briefly the summer before my senior year, but I didn't want to imagine this one so I kept myself out of it, but I went back to it occasionally, and as of now, it's my primary daydream. I feel bad about leaving the others behind, or being in a certain one, so I sometimes force myself into the others. Recently I have only allowed myself to listen to music that fits my third daydream unless if I am in another only because I don't want to "ruin" my daydream memories attached to a particular song.
I've ran into MD a few years ago after looking online. I figured that I had it, but I just shrugged it off and went back to my daydreaming. I graduated high school a month ago, and I wanted to get my life together. I have no friends, or technically, friends I don't feel comfortable around/that benefit me in any way, and I have no self-esteem and basically believe that I am inadequate and just am naturally below everyone else. I know that to fix this, I have to get over the daydreaming. I feel terrible because I have wasted the past month basically daydream. It's not as if I have anything else to do, or that I feel any sort of motivation to do so. It's as if I want to, but I see no point in why or always just figure that it will turn out terribly. I guess I have little sense of self. I try really hard for things (in my real life) to be presented as ~me~ instead of letting it flow naturally. I am extremely indecisive and think that it is crucial to do/present myself in certain ways for my real self. I feel as if my real self really isn't anything.
As far as how my daydreaming "interferes" with my life: basically it's all I do. Wherever I am, I am in my daydream. At school, out, talking to anyone, I daydream and use situations I encounter into my daydreams. I've procrastinated with my daydreams, I half-do things. I have a feeling that it isn't necessarily my daydreams that are the reason, but maybe the reasons behind the daydreams, so I won't blame my procrastination and things solely on the daydream. I start college in the fall, and I want to do good in school. As I had previously implied, I have no idea what I want to do and I don't feel as if I have a sense of direction.
This is where I will end my post. If you've read this, thanks so much! I really hope I feel comfortable in this forum because anywhere else I go, I always feel like the odd one out.
*Also, the description of my daydreams are super brief. There are more than I have listed that don't even have myself in them.*