In Deep

[Lily]

OK. I had to get this out somewhere and well, this is the only place to get it out. I've been daydreaming hardcore since my boyfriend left to go out. Usually I do it like in between watching TV, going online, etc. Today I am in DEEP. I haven't stopped to do anything. I don't even know why I left I had to get this in words but I did. I never really considered this an addiction. When I found discussion boards online and then found this website, it was the first time I ever thought about it in that way. Lately, as in the past two days, I have finally seen it for what it is. It is an addiction. I have never tried to stop but let's be real, I couldn't even if I wanted to. It's something I do naturally, without having to think, and it's something I can do anytime, anywhere, for however long. Obviously I'd rather do it alone with no one around and that's what I've been doing since probably 7pm. I haven't even stopped to take a breath. Just doing it non-stop. My daydreaming is so effed up to. Why would anyone want to fantasize about what I fantasize about? I mean the world I've created is a terrible one. Abuse, drama, chaos. It's sick really but I love it. I love that world. I love the people I've created. I love the version of myself I've created. OK I will finally admit it... this is an addiction. It's no different than a drug. Only, not only do I have my daydreaming drugs, I have my actual drugs too. I took 2 painkillers earlier and had some glasses of wine but even more concerning than that, I've been binge fantasizing for 4 hours straight. That's definitely not a record for me or anything but I don't know. There was just something in me that brought me back here and something in me that just had to get it out and had to talk about it. What's even crazier is that people out there may actual read this! I'm not just typing away, as I often do, on my mac and then saving my rants for no one to ever see. You guys may actually read this. That's incredible to me, in a good and scary way. OK, well I've ranted for long enough so I'm just going to post this now. I'm not going to read it over because I know if I stop to do that, I'll highlight all of this and hit the delete button, x out of my web browser and continue on with my insane world. I may still continue daydreaming until my boyfriend comes home (and even then I'll keep it going in my head) but I will at least have posted this. At least I will have in some slight way reached out to someone out there, knowing that they will know what I'm talking about and not think I should be committed.

Wow. This surprisingly felt really good. Apologies now for the giant stream of jumbled thoughts.

[The1andonlyAbber]

I've gone on 8-hour binges before. And when my MD was at its worst I would literally daydream constantly. So you're not the only one who does this, don't worry.

[The1andonlyAbber]

My daydreams aren't always pleasant, either. A common theme is my character being a different species and people trying to make her species go extinct. This probably has something to do with the fact that I used to be bullied severely.

[Tila]

Hey,
I can relate to this, just as I can relate to almost every post on this site (what a strange phenomenon we are all caught up in, lol)
I know what you mean about deleting your post after spending an hour writing it!
The perfectionistic editor in my head tells me that nothing I write is interesting enough, and no one will take the time to read it.
But I did read your entire post and it was great and taught me a little something. Don't apologize!!

[Nomad]

Thanks for the post. I totally relate. I like abusive, dramatic, chaotic worlds because I can feel strong and herioc in them. I don't always feel that way in the real world, which is abusive, dramatic, and chaotic but also complicated and bewildering to me.