today i started at my first job. i just had an anxiety attack and started screaming a lot. i am feeling sad and empty and confused and very very very pathetic. i don't like my chosen field and i don't remember my classes, i feel like i am falling off a cliff. i feel like i am an imposter in my own life and i can see the time when my bosses are going to realize how horrible i am. and worse: i need this job, i need to help my mom urgently because we are in a very very bad situation and i should take the brunt of it all but i can't, i am not strong, i am weak and horrible and pathetic and i just want to hide in my room. i can't take it anymore.

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Comment by Valeria Franco on February 16, 2022 at 1:05pm

Dear G, I'm so happy you are feeling better!

Bad days will come, but they will be just days and not your whole life.

keep us updated :-)

Comment by Yelena Cheeli on February 12, 2022 at 5:51am

Oh Victor, we could just hold hands! I am just... going, I don't have much to do except accumulate tears for the end of the day but I am trying to find ways to make it easier, if I can try something to help you, don't think about work at the end of the day. If you have something due next week, don't spend the weekend in despair about it, this is what I am doing and it has helped me to stay a little sane.

Comment by Yelena Cheeli on February 12, 2022 at 5:45am

I was so touched by your words.... This was so sweet and I can't remember the last time I read something so beautiful like this. I have been there for a few weeks now and I am calmer and more confident than before (but still slipping, some days I feel that confidence slipping away from me). I am doing what you said, I come home and let myself fall apart or daydream then the next day when I go to work I put on a mask of confidence, which surprisingly has not been as hard to put on as I thought it would be.
I think I'll get somewhere, I'm feeling optimistic these last few days.

For Valeria Franco

Comment by Valeria Franco on January 25, 2022 at 12:19pm

Hey, darling! I'm so sorry you are going through this!

Stop saying all those words to you, they don't help and they aren't true. Nobody can be all those horrible things.

Anxiety is something you should face with a professional. In the meantime, find a way to cope with the current situation. 

You are bringing on your shoulder too much weight, no wonder you are anxious. 

It's sort of unnatural to have to take care and provide money for parents unless they're very old. It's a sort of reversed parenting. You are not weak or bad because you don't want this situation for yourself.

You have the right to desire the life you want and be helped.

So, now you have to face this situation. Ok, you don't like the job, but you may find some pride in it because you are doing it for a noble cause, to help your mother.

This pride can be a motivational leverage to wake up in the morning and go on.

You just cope with the single day, day by day, until you find a new balance.

Nobody will see you as an impostor. If they have hired you, it means they were happy with you, and don't fantasize about "all the things they'll find out you can't do". There will be many things you won't be able to do, as it is in whatever job.

You will ask and they will teach you. 

And all this would be the plan for the next few months. 

When you come home, you can sometimes hide in your room, find a safe space where you can be yourself. Breathe. But also look for other places to be yourself together with other people. 

As soon as you get your anxiety a little bit under control, and you are more comfortable with this job, then it's time to think of a plan for your situation. 

Who can you rely upon? Are there relatives who may help your mother?

What other job could you do? Are there some classes you can take to start over with another field? 

People start over again and again.

Just face the "emergency" situation now, and then take control over your life.

Little by little, big changes will happen.

I have started over so many times, I've done so many different jobs myself, I felt like crying so many times.

Once I had a panic attack just after my shift, I cried on the train home. I felt so many times I had wasted my life. 

But it wasn't true. Every time, I have met people, learned skills, opened my mind, got stronger. 

And now I feel I'm in control and I'm happy about my job and life. 

I hope this was helpful. Let us know how it goes tomorrow.

(Kiruba Victorr, for you too).


Comment by Kiruba Victor on January 24, 2022 at 9:46pm

Hey, I'm going through exactly what you are going through. I'm almost a month in my job in marketing and I'm not liking it. I want to switch but I'm afraid I might end up jobless again. So do tell me about what you've taken and we can share our experiences with this feeling, G.

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