"I can stop anytime."

[Amanda Lynne]

     That's what I noticed I tend to tell myself when I'm daydreaming. "Ahh, I can stop if I want, I just don't want to right now." "I'll start tomorrow!" But I can't and I know I can't. It's like I can't control myself. I can't trust myself to not daydream. I don't know how to discipline myself. I procrastinate. & this isn't something I need to put off. I wanna be a little better for next school year. I swore this summer I'd do better but I feel I'm doing worse. That's what's really irritating lately. Ive acknowledged the problem. I told my mom. I go to counseling, and I try to be honest, but I'm so shy and just nothing comes out right :/ I went to the doctor, he said it'd be TWO DAYS when he gets the results to me. It's been TWO MONTHS -.- I get so depressed and anxious at night and then I build up this hope for the next day and right in the morning I freaking daydream. I say it's better to tell myself "It's okay, just keep trying" when I catch myself in a daydream instead of beat myself up and that does work better. But I also have this attitude "Oh well, I already screwed up, no use trying now."

 

     I try to think, just regular thinking instead of dreaming but I find that I don't like myself. I'm weak, emotional and I find my thinking is either shallow and mean or deep and too nice. I daydream about everyone looking at me. Being impressed or surprised or admiring me. Like it's all about me. I know it's not, but I don't know how to not dayream about me or not introspect. And ever since I found out about ADD I feel like "eff it, my brain's messed up, what can I do anyway.. -.-" In a way I care about other people way too much. When someone does something bad I daydream I be there for them or help them or something, but it's crazy how I let other people's problems affect me so much, and I am not trying to compliment myself, it's a terrible habbit trying to take responsibility for everyone in the world. And when I daydream about people sympathizing with my problems and stuff I'm like NO ONE CARES in the back of my head. I can't stand when I do that, act like everything's about me.

 

     I scare myself with how depressed I get lately. Never been this bad off before, but I am so sick of this fighting. I know I am outrageously hard on myself, my counselar says it to me all the time, but what should I do, be proud of who I am? A weak, insecure, narcissistic, lazy daydreamer? Woo, go me.. (And please don't think I think of anyone else on here that way)

 

      I let everyone's opinions and beliefs affect me. I wanna have my own dreams and beliefs. I don't even know my favorite color!! I don't know where to start.

 

      I'm sorry, that was the most depressing, wishy-washy blog ever, I just had to get it out.. Hope everyone else is okay

[Dusty]

I know how you feel too :(. The DDing definitely has kept me from having a secure sense of identity, in high school I was in all of my DDs, but in each one I was a bit different. In real life, I felt that people were constantly watching, noticing and judging me but I found that I felt less and less like that as I grew from teenager to young adult. I still know how you feel about the weak and lazy part, I still often feel incomplete, not good enough, not a full human being, after 20 years of daydreaming for entertainment, replacing what would otherwise have been more fulfilling hobbies and social relations.

Also, you do sound like a caring person, and all of us here are caring and supportive as well. I know many people I've met elsewhere will go on and on about their problems until the cows come home (sorry for the cliche :P) , and then as soon as I start to talk about mine they turn a blind ear or change the subject, or try to sort of one-up my problems with theirs. It IS hard to find people to sympathiese.  

I really hope you do feel better soon, at least you were strong enough to tell your mom and get professional help! Admitting to yourself that there is problem and seeking to change it are the crucial steps to solving said problem. Don't give up!